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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No gift from grandparent

42 replies

ThatsNotMyCherry · 11/01/2020 07:41

So I’m wondering if this is a bit odd or not. When DD was born the grand parents saw all the gifts coming in from family and friends and offered to pay for an item that we had bought for her. They were going to do a bank transfer to DH (they have the details). They mentioned it to us twice and the second time DH said ‘thank you that’s very kind, you don’t have to though’ To me that’s just something people say to be polite because talking about gifts is a bit awkward. After that no transfer was ever made and DD didn’t receive any gift and she’s now 6 months. Maybe my view is coloured by the fact that I know that several years ago they bought a large gift for their other DS child and I also know that they can be a bit stingy despite being fairly well off, on the hand maybe in light of DH comment what they did is perfectly reasonable. If someone said to you when giving a gift ‘you don’t have to’ would you then not give the gift?

OP posts:
OhWellThatsJustGreat · 11/01/2020 07:48

I would see it as the opening to an option not to do it, but would still do it as I like buying gifts.

It really depends on the dynamic of the family. When I had ds last year my parents and inlaws have us money to put towards things, but didn't actually buy anything. And Christmas they both got him weaning stuff as what do you buy a 5 month old?

LadyGuffers · 11/01/2020 07:50

I'm not sure I would care either way after six months...

FullOfJellyBeans · 11/01/2020 07:59

I guess I'd be a little upset they bothered for their other grandchild and not DH but other than that I wouldn't be bothered they didn't get a gift - not everyone does. If they're stingy it may well be that DH offered them a get out and they jumped at it (maybe their other child was more forceful about actually getting the gift!).

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 11/01/2020 08:06

DH failed here. The correct response was 'that will be lovely, how kind, i'll text you my/DC's ISA bank details, thankyou' or similar.

CentralPerkMug · 11/01/2020 08:10

I think your DH's response was perfectly normal, though only if he truly meant it! I would regularly respond like that, though I would say it because I hate anyone to think they are obliged to provide a gift.

Have they spent much time with the baby? To me that is much more important.

slartibarti · 11/01/2020 08:26

Your DH should have said "How lovely, thank you".
It's annoying when an offer of a gift turns into an argument with the giver trying to persuade the person to accept something.

Beautiful3 · 11/01/2020 08:36

Your husbands fault, sorry. If he said that to me then I wouldnt bother. Next time he should say, "that's very kind, thank you".

AdoreTheBeach · 11/01/2020 08:36

Another one here of the same opinion as previous posters. Your DH words were taken for what he said. The other grandchild’s parents may very well have been more direct.

My niece had a DC, they (she and her DH) rang to give my FIL the news and asked for a specific travel system. Her DH rang FIL back next day with their bank details and said price of travel system, please do bank transfer now as we have bought on your behalf. It was over 1k!

So, learn from what happened as the baby’s first birthday will come around and your DC will have no gift. The other grandchild will.

Interested to know what happened at Xmas. People usually make a big fuss about baby’s first Christmas.

Queenoftheashes · 11/01/2020 08:39

I mean technically you don’t have to means you don’t have to if you’re looking for an out. But everyone knows that’s just something people say to be polite and it’s actually expressing gratitude and amplifying the extent of the gesture for the benefit of the giver rather than suggesting they don’t bother.

diddl · 11/01/2020 08:44

So you think that they should have transferred the money even though your husband said no?

I don't understand why they couldn't have asked for ideas if they wanted to buy & couldn't think what though.

heartsonacake · 11/01/2020 08:44

YABU. If your DH doesn’t want his words taken at face value he shouldn’t be saying them.

He (and you) can’t be annoyed because they followed what you told them.

Jomarchsburntskirt · 11/01/2020 08:54

Your husband has given them the choice of opting out. They have opted out. Simples but mean of them.

Original poster
ThatsNotMyCherry · 11/01/2020 09:06

Yeah can see the point about DH’s comment.

I said something similar to my sister recently because every time she sees DD she has a gift for her (no kids and first time aunt). I told her “You really don’t have to, you’ve given so much already” if she had then said “Oh ok then” and taken the bag back I think I would have been a bit ShockGrin I guess it is different but shows how we sometimes say stuff like that.

OP posts:
Molly2016 · 11/01/2020 09:07

@MrOnionsBumperRoller is right. Your DH should have been more assertive. I bet their other DS received a big gift because he was probably the driver behind it.
If it is really bothering you, you could maybe follow up with a casual ‘oh we’ve been checking through our bank statements as part of a new year thing to keep on top of finances and noticed we didn’t receive anything when DS was born. Do you have our bank details? We were worried it had gone into the wrong account’.
I’d only do this if it’s really bothering you though, I can’t help but think you’ve missed the boat given it is 6 months later.

KeatesCat · 11/01/2020 09:11

It sounds like that took your DH at his word - so I guess they viewed it as an obligation they've been released from rather than a genuine wish to give a gift/help.

It does seem a bit mean/odd for a grandparent not to a gift, especially as they are well off and gave a significant gift for another grandchild.
However, as a one-off I wouldn't read too much into it.

Your husband has presumably learnt now to say that unless you genuinely mean it. I would be more interested, as CentralPerkMeg says, by how much time and genuine interest they give to your child in the future.

ConstanceL · 11/01/2020 09:13

If your DH didn't facilitate this by giving them your bank details the first time they asked, coupled with the fact that when they asked for a second time he basically told them not to bother, I can see why they didn't do it, and they may even feel that you have rejected their kind offer, while accepting gifts from other people. But as a pp said, six months later why is this even crossing your mind?

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 11/01/2020 09:17

I had similar with my GParents; we have a silly in-family joke that if we named our children after them, they would give us cash. We gave our child the middle name, as did the rest of us but more for lighthearted family tradition than cash. Mine was the only child they forgot to give cash to!

CakeandCustard28 · 11/01/2020 09:19

I wouldn’t be bothered, your DH told them not too. Silly to expect them to pay when told no.

Blackbear19 · 11/01/2020 09:20

He's given them a cop out and they jumped on it. How bothered is DH?

If he's hurt then I'd mention 'did you ever make that transfer as we've never recieved it' making it clear that you were expecting something.

Original poster
ThatsNotMyCherry · 11/01/2020 09:20

Oh I’m not going to say anything about it now just wondered if it was odd really.

I thought about it because DH and his brother are sending them away for a weekend for their upcoming anniversary and on the gift card they were planning to write that it’s from their GC lol so just occurred to me about the gift

OP posts:
diddl · 11/01/2020 09:23

Why couldn't they just have given money as a gift?

I can see why your husband said no to giving the money for something that you had already bought.

This doesn't to me mean though that it's OK to then do nothing-think for yourselves or ask like the others all probably did!

heartsonacake · 11/01/2020 09:23

I said something similar to my sister recently because every time she sees DD she has a gift for her (no kids and first time aunt). I told her “You really don’t have to, you’ve given so much already” if she had then said “Oh ok then” and taken the bag back I think I would have been a bit Shock

Thatsnotmycherry That’s a totally different situation. She’d already bought the gift at that point so of course she wouldn’t take it back. Your DHs parents on the other hand hadn’t yet bought anything.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/01/2020 09:29

Perhaps they have forgotten they haven't paid. Nothing you can do now I think. At the time you could have checked whether payment had gone through. I guess there is a chance they did pay and transfer didn't come through.

SusanneLinder · 11/01/2020 09:33

I personally found it a bit weird that Grandparents wouldn't buy at least SOMETHING for a grandchild. I am a grandparent and always bought a baby gift for my grandchildren. Even when finances were tight.
If my daughter had said "you don't have to " my answer would have been " but I want to" and would have transferred the money anyway, but that's just me.

Medievalist · 11/01/2020 09:35

your DH told them not too. Silly to expect them to pay when told no.

He didn't tell them not to. He told them they didn't have to. Bit different.

I agree with the op that her dh's response is just the sort of thing people say, especially to family, and I'd be very surprised if anyone thought, "oh, okay I won't then!"