No gift from grandparent

[ThatsNotMyCherry]

So I’m wondering if this is a bit odd or not. When DD was born the grand parents saw all the gifts coming in from family and friends and offered to pay for an item that we had bought for her. They were going to do a bank transfer to DH (they have the details). They mentioned it to us twice and the second time DH said ‘thank you that’s very kind, you don’t have to though’ To me that’s just something people say to be polite because talking about gifts is a bit awkward. After that no transfer was ever made and DD didn’t receive any gift and she’s now 6 months. Maybe my view is coloured by the fact that I know that several years ago they bought a large gift for their other DS child and I also know that they can be a bit stingy despite being fairly well off, on the hand maybe in light of DH comment what they did is perfectly reasonable. If someone said to you when giving a gift ‘you don’t have to’ would you then not give the gift?

To be honest it’s a bit of a pattern of behaviour to say they will do something and then not do it. On DH 30th they kept going on about wanting to treat him and talking about all these fancy restaurants in London.They start making a huge fuss about their own major birthdays and anniversaries months in advance so we always book something very nice for us all or for them. In the end when nothing was done so I suggested one evening that we could all go out to Nandos as a family as we hadn’t been able to do anything with them to celebrate his birthday. I ended up paying for it even though I had taken DH out on his actual birthday for a fancy meal and the point was really to give them the chance to do what they had been taking about for ages

When DD was born the grand parents saw all the gifts
The grandparents? Do you mean your parents or PIL? What an unusual way to describe them.

They mentioned it to us twice and the second time DH said ‘thank you that’s very kind, you don’t have to though’ To me that’s just something people say to be polite because talking about gifts is a bit awkward.
What did either of you say the first time?

If you said nothing and then this was the extremely formal response given the 2nd time, I'd not bother. Sounds like some weird dynamic in your family, as if you are talking to and about strangers.

Op you’re not wrong, it’s a bit odd. If someone says you don’t have to the correct response is , we want to give you this gift and for the recipient to then say thank you.

Unheard of in my opinion for grandparents not to give a new grandchild a gift!

Bizarre thread, what would a 6 month old need ?.

I suggested one evening that we could all go out to Nandos as a family as we hadn’t been able to do anything with them to celebrate his birthday. I ended up paying for it
Sorry but it's you who is at fault. You fail to communicate properly with them. You need to be far more aware of the terminology you use with them because that comes across as just wanting to do something with them and nothing to do with them treating him to a meal as a (late) birthday present.

They are cheapskates! You paid for their meals for their DS's big birthday? Freeloaders.

No present for their DGC but all the DGC are 'treating' them? I'd stop that in its tracks. Your DH needs to learn to accept offers with simple thanks and bank details! (How come his DPs don't have those already?)

I think I was fairly clear I said something like “because we didn’t get to go to (fancy restaurant that they kept going on about) how about we go to nandos instead and celebrate?” I think mentioning the restaurant they were talking about treating him in should have been obvious

They do have bank details already

What a miserable pair.

I'd take a guess their DD (your SIL) knows what they are like and therefore acts accordingly.
PIL "We were think about giving a gift"
SIL "That would be lovely you could get xyz"

PIL "We were thinking of booking dinner"
SIL "Great get the diaries out"

Honestly give them less wriggle room, make sure you are accepting of anything they offer.

@CharlotteMD
"Bizarre thread, what would a 6 month old need ?."

Next size clothes, next stage (and above) development toys, things for a bedroom etc.

If someone offers to give you something you want, accept it graciously.

English people have a real issue with saying things they don't mean then getting upset when people actually do what they're told!

DH said ‘thank you that’s very kind, you don’t have to though’

I would take that as a polite way of turning the offer down. Sorry OP.

Next size clothes, next stage (and above) development toys, things for a bedroom etc

That's the responsibility of the parents to provide that. Along with food and nappies.

Like @Blackbear19 said, you need to be much more direct. "Yes thank, that is very kind. Do you have our bank details?" If they don't pay up in a few days - "we didn't get that cash through yet - did you send it or should we check if there's a problem with the bank?" "Did you still want to take DH out for his birthday? When is good for you? Did you want to go the fancy restaurant? It's not too expensive is it - there are a lot of us. You could take us all to Nando's if that's more reasonable. Shall I book it or do you want to? It's very kind of you, we'll enjoy that, thank you for the treat".

Is there any reason why you find it hard to be clear around these expectations? Does what I wrote sound rude to you? And stop saying things you don't mean! Accept gifts graciously.

My aunt said she'd buy a steriliser for ds 14 yrs ago.. Never happened.
Said the same for dd.. Who's nr 2 never happened. Then said I have a spare bouncer chair if u want for GPS house.. I said that be lovely..
She dropped it round 3 weeks ago... Only 2 yrs late lol..

I would say that it’s your DH’s fault, he should know his parents by now. Is he trying to prove them that his financial situation is very good, hence expensive weekend away and answer ‘you don’t have to’ about a present?
I would ask them about it saying that you are checking that the banking side went ok but you need to be sure that your DH wouldn’t say anything again about not needing any presents. So I would have a chat with him
Lesson’s learned. Next time keep all agreements about money clear and simple.
Money issues are often difficult to discuss even with your own family. I really struggle to do this with mine. They prefer to give/receive big flashy presents, whereas I prefer to give/ receive small tokens and to buy what I need myself. It’s very tricky tbh.

I asked DH about their attitude towards money and he said they were always a bit stingy when they were growing up but he does also think that him and his siblings weren’t always wise with their spending whereas my parents were very generous but me and my sister never took advantage of that and were always careful with money they gave us. I guess that attitude continues into adulthood. Even now that I’m grown up and have my own family and job my dad keeps offering me money which I obviously refuse

I have a couple of dcs who have recently left uni and are trying to find jobs. Conversations will go along the lines of:

Me: let me give you some petrol money because you've been running lots of errands for me/pay for a new interview suit/give you some money towards x,y,z

DS: no it's okay

Me: yes, I want to

DS: really, you don't have to

Me: I know I don't have to but I really want to.

DS: well if you're sure ..

Money matters are awkward and some people find it difficult - even impolite - to accept straight away.