I find my DCs teacher patronising and I don't know what to do...

[letsjog]

I am probably U ...

Everyone does nothing but sing praises about her and I know she works hard and is very involved in everything and I actually found her lovely initially but I find it really hard to talk to her without being interrupted (by her) or talked to like one of the kids, I often feel like she doesn't really like me.

There was a mixup at the school and they thought I hadn't supplied something they asked for for one of their activities - I did I was actually one of the first that brought it in, and I got a voicemail that sounded very patronising listing all the different times parents were reminded and how all these notes went out and I still hadn't brought it in.
It was found after the weekend and she quickly approached me and gave a bit of a half hearted apology and moved on to something else with another mum.

Parents bring the DCs into the classroom (it's reception) to make sure they put all their things away etc. Quite a few parents have younger DCs with them.

I have my 2yo with me who often stands in one of the classrooms toy areas and plays with one or two figurines they keep in the baskets there. I allow him to do this because it keeps him occupied so I can monitor my 4yo as well and make sure he puts all his things away properly.
I always, always make sure my 2yo puts the toy back in the basket before we leave.

The teacher has now started getting him (2yo) before DS1 is even finished with his things and telling him to put it back where it belongs, today she even took him there by the hand and he threw the toy at the wall because terrible twos are in full force and he doesn't like being physically taken somewhere like that. I just ask him to put it back and he does because it's a part of the routine and he then gives his big brother a cuddle and off we go.
I did mention that we always make sure we put them back before we leave (it's rarely more than 1 toy sometimes 2 2-3inch sized figurines - I wouldn't let him drag any big toys out of their places) but she didn't really say anything.

I don't know if she thought I was letting him take the toys home? He does sometimes bring one of his toy dinosaurs on the school run which are a similar size so it could've looked like he was taking something in the past but they are a different type of animal/creature in the class' baskets.

At the parents evening all she had to say was that my DS was struggling with XYZ and was being monitored in XYZ. He's one of the youngest in the year, doesn't get into trouble or break rules but is very energetic and all over the place and lacks attention because he's mind is a million miles a minute.
I had to ask her for positives and how is he getting on socially/does he seem to enjoy school/ have friends (all the things that matter to me as a parent with a Reception aged child).

She never seems to have much time for me but on the contrary for some other mums...
I feel like I'm reading too much into this but I constantly feel like I'm being judged when she's around and it's making me feel like I'm lacking something or not doing enough as a mum.

Maybe she talks to me like one of the kids because its hard for her to switch off from teacher mode.
Maybe I'm lacking some social/people skills.

AIBU? Is it me?

I'd say 50/50.

Toy thing. No he's not making a mess but they can't have lots of children doing it so it's easier to say no to everyone.

My ds first parents evening was like that. I also asked if she had any positives. She actually struggled. I pointed out I knew he was challenging (asd) but actually he's very lovable and everyone previously has said how he's good at x y and z. So suggested she tried to look for some positives so she didn't let his presence wind her up so much!

The voicemail was just plain rude. I had a rude voicemail from a teacher of ds once. I recorded it from answer machine to iPhone voice recorder and sent it to the teacher (it's an mp4 file) and HOY asking them a) why the tone of voice and b) how did they expect ds to have known to do something at 11.15am to allow them to ring me at 11.30am with a message about a consequence when his lesson that day was 2.15pm?! Oh and also the call was about not turning up to a lunchtime detention (lunch is 1.15pm!) how could he have possibly failed to turn up when it was still 11.30 🤦‍♀️

I know people say teachers don't just decide they don't like children and their parents.

But I work in education and I can assure they they do! And some aren't subtle about it.

I think she had a nerve to call you and berate you for not bringing some item in that she had reminded parents of multiple times (I know you did actually bring it in). Can’t get past that bit, who does she think she is to be telling parents off like they are one of her reception kids

I couldn’t say but some teachers most definitely do label parents - often wrongly - and then treat them accordingly.

So, they might think ones ‘over-protective’, one is ‘not very educated’, etc. I’ve found that then impacts on how you’re treated. And yes, teachers do have their favourites among the parents.

I’ve found DC’s teacher hard to get on with this year, and yes, that potentially does impact DC because any points I raise might not be listened to or properly taken on board. That’s what makes it frustrating not wanting to be ‘liked’ for no reason as some PPs have suggested.

So I sympathise, OP.

As a teacher, I most definitely have parents I don’t like. That is decided entirely on how they interact with me. If you’re rude and entitled, I’m not going to like you. If you are constantly chewing my ear off about your little darling not being supported (I assure you they are), I’m not going to like you. However, I am a professional and I won’t let that show. It’s sometimes easier to talk to some parents than others. Maybe the other parents ask her how her day has been...

Your 2yo cannot play with the school resources. You making your life easier in the morning makes the teacher’s life more difficult. It will add to her finding you to be a frustrating parent. I’ve had a parent let her twin babies (less than 18m) crawl around my classroom during a session for parents to support their child with an activity. I have giant Y5 children who are unaware that they might have to look down whilst walking. She made her life easier by not trying to pin them down but she made my life harder because I had to factor them in as well as my 30 10yos! YABU!

Lots of people being hard in you here. I'm with DS in the classroom every day for 15 mins before the 9am bell rings. Most of rhe parents are, the teachers encourage it. It helps settle the kids into their morning tasks and gives thebteacher a chance to grab any parents for a chat. There's a good 5 or 6 younger siblings that come along and they are all welcomed and encouraged to play in the home corner or book corner. Just ignore how the teacher talks to you, you guys really don't need to talk at all unless there's an issue. Other than parents evenings I never said more than 'good morning' to DS's.

I think what is making life difficult here is having so many parents in the classroom in the morning. My DC's school was pretty relaxed, but aimed at parents out of the classroom after the first few days, and ideally not even in school asap.
If she doesn't have enough adults in the classroom to get every child sorted, then she'd do better to have a rota of volunteer parents to provide 1 or 2 extra bodies in the morning.
But schools I have known have a simple routine of: stuff on pegs outside classroom, (and maybe before that lunch boxes in the hall) then book bags in drawers and water bottle in tray. And 4/5 year olds cope with this no problem. With maybe simple reminders, and a visual timetable to refer to (and a bossy organised child will help out).

Actually there's more than 5 or 6 younger siblings that come into DS's year 1 classroom each day. Prob more like 10? If they weren't allowed to interact with stuff it would be a very different atmosphere. The teachers know the little ones need to be there for a brief time and they accomodate them for everyone's sakes. Not stationery or their exercise books etc, but the book corner and little toys, no probs. I'm relieved DS's teachers are so welcoming and understanding after reading this thread! Some more draconian types clearly about.

I had similar when my ds was in reception, she was very patronising and critical of my ds. Reading between the lines I think she thought I was a push over parent. Like your child my ds was young in the group and she was very concerned about progress. She was an NQT and I'm a teacher with at the time a decade of experience. We had long discussions where she told me the gaps were increasing and I explained that he was 4 and he would get there when he was ready. She left the next year, took a break from teaching, maybe shes returned to your local school??
I ended up just smiling and nodding and hoping for a better teacher next year. The problem is, in my opinion, the KS1 curriculum, which is simply not appropriate for immature 4 year olds. We agreed to disagree about that.

Just read your next post, 3-5 TAs! Where in the uk are you? Is it state?

I can empathise, op, and think the teacher should have been able to find at least one positive thing to say at parents' evening. We are talking about a four year old. I say this as a teacher who also gets the stress teachers are often under.

Try not to get too emotionally involved. In all likelihood, your DC's teacher is just trying to do a good job but maybe is a bit, well, overzealous about it at times. Personally, I would not worry about a two year old playing with two small toys...I also would not have phoned every parent and lectured them either.

Focus on the positives though. He/she is presumably doing a good job? He/she knows your child's weaknesses and maintains order in a reception classroom.

Don't worry if the teacher likes you or not. It doesn't matter as long as your child is ok. Get in, say hello, be polite and get out!

At DD's school the Reception and Y1 teachers stand purposefully at the classroom door which opens out onto the playground and I'm now wondering if is to stop parents wandering in with their DC!

OP I think the fuss over the toy dinosaurs is over the top, they are small toys your DS is playing with for few minutes. Not sure why the need for all the drama. I also sympathise re the parents evening. I posted on here because at DD's last parents evening her teacher had almost nothing meaningful to say about her and I felt she didn't know her at all. I was told off for expecting too much and I've lowered my expectations accordingly now.

I'm sure some teachers can be patronising and get annoyed / a bit hostile towards parents who dare to question them.

Are there 30 children in the class? Of course you are most concerned about your child/his relationship with the teacher/ your relationship with the teacher, but be realistic, drop off and collection time are really hectic times of the day. Are you honestly expecting the teacher to have time for a little chat with you 30 parents? How many times a week do you think is adequate? Let's say a quick chat, for one minute twice a week. For you all the parents. That equates to an hour a week, at a time when in the morning she is monitoring the arrival of thirty children, watching out for light fingered siblings, lunch box and book bag putting away, nobody heading out of the door , and in the afternoon she is overseeing the safe delivery of each child to the right carer, and trying to grab a quick word with the carers of children who have fallen over/had a bump/been upset/ had a toilet accident/covered themselves in paint who need to have that information.

Your child's teacher is not there to be your bff. If she sounds abrupt then that is because she hasn't got time for soothing your ego. If you are really worried about your child then ask for an appointment after school to discuss things. And in the meantime keep your two year old under your control and out of the classroom.

It might be you. It might not be. But this whole thread is bonkers. You are placing far too much pressure on the teacher to ‘like’ you. Step back.
Treat the teacher like an employee in a shop. She doesn’t have to like you. She doesn’t have to indulge your 2 year old and it is ok that she makes mistakes.
She just has to do her job.

I think people have made some assumptions here.

I never disrupt her to chat about "my little darling" I have had maybe 2 or 3 chats with her (apart from parents evening). Once when I thought I would mention to her DS might be a bit tired as he shares a room with his younger sibling and we've had a bad night so I thought I would give her a heads up.

Another was when we both ended up walking side by side (she and a TA come out to greet the children at the playground and everyone walks up to classroom when the bell rings.) and I asked how has DS been getting on since parents evening (we started doing a few more things she suggested to us) she said he's still behind and getting extra support and that he's aloof and can't pay attention/is all over the place.

I'm saying 3-5 support staff/ TAs
I think there's a couple who are a bit younger training/learning who help out with the kids on a more practical level which help out and 2 - 3 proper TA one P/T who do more academic work (reading/writing etc as we regularly get notes on progress in these from them).

I'm not expecting my DC to be mollycoddled or receive any special treatment and I am not precious about it, I know his strengths and weaknesses but sometimes it feels like it's all about ticking off a sheet rather than taking into consideration things like summer born DCs might take a bit longer since some are nearly a year behind their peers and at this age it can still show.

Do you have a communication book? Perhaps you could ask a few specific concerns in there or ask in there for an extra time to chat to her about your son if needed.

Please put your younger child in a pram or sling for the drop off.

but is very energetic and all over the place and lacks attention because he's mind is a million miles a minute

that has nothing to do with him being summer-born...
I realise it's disappointing to hear, but you should be extremely grateful that the teachers care enough to have notice problems with your child and monitoring to help.

Would you genuinely prefer they lie, and your child struggle more and more?

You cannot excuse everything on "summer born" .

Sorry I know my last sentence went off the topic a bit. But I did think by the praise she was getting that she would also be invested in the emotional/social aspect of DCs not just academic. Maybe my expectations were too high as some PPs have mentioned.

We just went from nursery where we always got good feedback in most aspects of DCs development to "he's behind and aloof" within a few months.

Her description of him sounds pretty extreme even for a 4.5yo.
No you cannot 'blame everything on being SB'. But that is the difficulty in being youngest it's hard to know what behaviour/achievement is to be expected.

letsjog to be frank with you, expecting a teacher to start discussing your child's progress when you are walking alongside them into the classroom is a bit daft. How can you have a meaningful discussion in that situation. If that situation arises again I suggest you keep the conversation to did she have a good weekend /isn't the weather lovely for the time of year/ oh I like your boots.

YABU.

You should not be letting your 2 your old play with the toys, even if it’s only one or two and even if he always puts them back. They are not for him and it is causing issues for the teacher.

Your 2 year old should be in a pushchair or holding onto your hand. You can supervise your 4 year old (if you absolutely have to) while holding him.

@viques all I asked was "is DS getting on a bit better with his writing now?" as she mentioned he had trouble with it and we did excel sizes at home.

Exercises not excel sizes.

I think people are assuming that you try to chat to her a lot because you say in your OP that you find it hard to talk to her without her interrupting.
However your last update you say you've only tried to talk to her a couple of times and one of those was just giving her a heads up that DC might be tired.

The toddler playing with resources is a big issue and you need to stop him - would you find it acceptable for someone else to allow their child to touch things in your home or workplace? If he won't stop (i.e. you won't make him), he needs to be in the buggy.

It might look like a box of toys, but the whole classroom is the learning environment for your older child and his peers. There might be a specific number of toys in the box ready for a lesson. The teacher doesn't have time to re-count the toys to check she still has an odd number, exact sets of each different type, a specific toy at the top etc. etc.

If the school expects parents to accompany children to class in the morning then surely younger siblings are to be expected? In which case I see no issue with your two year old quietly playing with a toy. I think you're getting a hard time OP, but I often see that on posts where teachers are involved.

Teachers definitely have favourites - so it is possible she may just not like you. There's a mum whose child is in my DDs class and it's noticeable that the teacher doesn't have much time for her. I've spoken to this mum many times and she seems really lovely and is very respectful of what the teacher says but the teacher is noticeably frosty towards her. Her little boy, while a lovely friendly child, is similar to how you've described your DS - a little "all over the place", finds it hard to pay attention etc. and I think the teacher is possibly taking her frustrations out on his mum. She keeps telling her (in earshot of other parents which seems really unprofessional) that she needs to talk to her DS and he has to start paying attention. Which I found very bizarre - he's three and it's preschool! I think there's a definite lack of understanding for what's developmentally appropriate for 3/4 year olds even by so-called professionals in the field.

Anyway, suffice to say there's not a lot you can do if she's decided she doesn't like you, so try not to let it get to you and just hang in there til summer and hopefully he'll have a different teacher next year that you'll click better with.