I find my DCs teacher patronising and I don't know what to do...

[letsjog]

I am probably U ...

Everyone does nothing but sing praises about her and I know she works hard and is very involved in everything and I actually found her lovely initially but I find it really hard to talk to her without being interrupted (by her) or talked to like one of the kids, I often feel like she doesn't really like me.

There was a mixup at the school and they thought I hadn't supplied something they asked for for one of their activities - I did I was actually one of the first that brought it in, and I got a voicemail that sounded very patronising listing all the different times parents were reminded and how all these notes went out and I still hadn't brought it in.
It was found after the weekend and she quickly approached me and gave a bit of a half hearted apology and moved on to something else with another mum.

Parents bring the DCs into the classroom (it's reception) to make sure they put all their things away etc. Quite a few parents have younger DCs with them.

I have my 2yo with me who often stands in one of the classrooms toy areas and plays with one or two figurines they keep in the baskets there. I allow him to do this because it keeps him occupied so I can monitor my 4yo as well and make sure he puts all his things away properly.
I always, always make sure my 2yo puts the toy back in the basket before we leave.

The teacher has now started getting him (2yo) before DS1 is even finished with his things and telling him to put it back where it belongs, today she even took him there by the hand and he threw the toy at the wall because terrible twos are in full force and he doesn't like being physically taken somewhere like that. I just ask him to put it back and he does because it's a part of the routine and he then gives his big brother a cuddle and off we go.
I did mention that we always make sure we put them back before we leave (it's rarely more than 1 toy sometimes 2 2-3inch sized figurines - I wouldn't let him drag any big toys out of their places) but she didn't really say anything.

I don't know if she thought I was letting him take the toys home? He does sometimes bring one of his toy dinosaurs on the school run which are a similar size so it could've looked like he was taking something in the past but they are a different type of animal/creature in the class' baskets.

At the parents evening all she had to say was that my DS was struggling with XYZ and was being monitored in XYZ. He's one of the youngest in the year, doesn't get into trouble or break rules but is very energetic and all over the place and lacks attention because he's mind is a million miles a minute.
I had to ask her for positives and how is he getting on socially/does he seem to enjoy school/ have friends (all the things that matter to me as a parent with a Reception aged child).

She never seems to have much time for me but on the contrary for some other mums...
I feel like I'm reading too much into this but I constantly feel like I'm being judged when she's around and it's making me feel like I'm lacking something or not doing enough as a mum.

Maybe she talks to me like one of the kids because its hard for her to switch off from teacher mode.
Maybe I'm lacking some social/people skills.

AIBU? Is it me?

Tbh these things can be difficult to unpick. Mainly because they are based on perceptions of other people's behaviour.

In honesty it can be difficult to switch to adult mode when talking with parents. Some teachers manage it better than others (that includes with staff). Then again some parents feel they are being talked down to when they aren't often because of their own experiences with teachers as a child.

The phone call may have been one of multiple that she had made and No. 1 reason parents give is 'nobody told them' hence why she mentioned the previous reminders. At that point she did not know it had already been brought in. She did apologise and you feel it was half hearted, it may or may not have been. Again it's about perception.

What are the other siblings doing while your little one is playing with class toys? If they are also playing with toys, it would seem odd to single yours out. If they aren't, maybe yours shouldn't be either. However, I think the reception drop off seems rather involved at your child's school. Most go in without parents.

As for talking more with other parents, there might be more going on there. SEN, issues in school, so more conversation. Also some parents, and I include myself in this, can't shut up. So it might be they talk more rather than the teacher prefers them.

Parents evenings can be very short so it's often about getting the most important information over and it's not easy to know what parents think is the most important topic. Academics, behaviour, friends, enjoyment, confidence etc etc Also it is a two way process so you are supposed to ask for information. You could ask some of the other parents if they felt she focused on the negatives too much too.

Tbh the teacher isn't thinking too much about you anyway. She may be a complete nob or the best teacher ever or something inbetween. I wouldn't worry about how she sees you unless it becomes a problem for your child, then you can make a specfic complaint.

From what you say op it's really impossible to say. I wouldn't worry too much about it though.

I would stop the 2 yo playing with the toys as even though you may put them back carefully others might not and the teacher probably doesn't want all the younger siblings playing with them.

In terms of the negativity at parents' evening again I wouldn't worry, different teachers have different styles. Some focus on areas of improvement others simply try to reassure parents their child is OK.

It's stressful when your first starts school but I imagine over time you'll have much less interaction with her so as long as you have no concerns about your DS in the classroom I would not worry too much about whether or not the teacher is slightly off with you.

I would also add that some primary teachers I think are just in the habit of addressing everyone like children. My previous landlords were both primary teachers and I always felt they were speaking to me like I was about 8! Must have been a manner they'd hit used to using in formal situations.

I felt a lot like this when mine was in reception. Are you or have you been a professional yourself in the past? I think I maybe found it hard being on the other side of the fence as “just a parent”. Also remember at the first parents evening feeling like other parents and the teacher had loads to say to each other and teacher didn’t really have anything to say about mine. Looking back she was probably hating all the parents chewing her ear off for hours about their darlings!

Sounds like typical primary teacher behaviour so don't take it personally. I find secondary teachers are much easier to deal with, more respectful and less patronising. Hopefully you will have less contact with teachers the older you DC get. We have one with SN and have had to sit through more painful meetings than I count. DC just started secondary and the teachers there are amazing. So polite and friendly, and they don't talk to you as if you are a naughty 5 year old.

Based on my experience with teachers and only the ones I have dealt with when my 2 DCs were young. (They are now in their thirties).

Some teachers can be over bearing, patronising and bloody rude!
That is not to say that all teachers are like that.

I can see where you are coming from OP.

Do you need to go into the classroom now? Tbh it may be something or nothing, but you still have two terms to go and wise to pick your battles. You will not like every teacher your dc have.

If I were the teacher it would really annoy me to have to deal with toddlers and their parents at the start of the day, and I would be asking the HT to review the arrangements. Teaching reception is hard enough without random toddlers interfering with a carefully set up classroom. I think you should leave your Reception child at the door and say good bye there without taking your 2 year old in at all.

The teacher isn’t there to bolster your self esteem. Maybe as you’ve just started into the school system you were expecting the slightly lovey dovey nurturing mother too type approach often taken by professionals dealing with babies and toddlers. Schools don’t operate like that she doesn’t give a damn about you as an adult and rightly so. So what if she “doesn’t like you?”

It is the most annoying thing when parents allow their children to mess with stuff in the classroom. Toys or not they are not for your younger child. It’s now 4 months into the school year, you can be in and out in seconds and your younger child doesn’t need a toy. Throwing toys at the wall sounds totally like unreasonable behaviour to me, but then I never put bad behaviour down to terrible twos, I put it down to bad behaviour and dealt accordingly. The teacher taking him back to return the toy is a polite way of telling you to stop him doing it. The fact he threw the toy at the wall shows her you aren’t the sort of parent to give a shit about things like boundaries.

Maybe she finds you annoying and a permissive parent? Maybe she is just really busy with 30 4 years olds and hasn’t got time to police someone who can’t control their own younger child? Maybe you need to look at what you do yourself rather than overanalysing her actions. Parents of first children in school always overanalyse stuff. By the time your two year old gets there you’ll be drop kicking them into class with glee and not giving them a second glance. Try not to overanalyse anything, therein lies madness and years of unnecessary worry. And please stop your younger child doing things to annoy the teacher, she has enough to deal with looking after your eldest and his cohort. To anyone other than you he is not sweet or cute or anything else, he is just annoying.

She apologised for her mistake, so I wouldn't pay any more mind to that.

I don't know a single school teacher (and I know several) who would be pleased with a toddler grabbing the class toys. For a start, they may not be age-safe and then there's the fact he could break them.

You need to keep hold of your toddler's hand while you're watching your 4yr old hang their coat up etc.

The parents evening, well yes she should have given you some positives.

Perhaps she is and you are correctly picking up on this. I can’t tell from your post.

I’m not sure if this helps or not but my DC is also in Reception and parents have been actively told to not go into the classroom with them so that they can independently put their bag and coat away. My DC is also one of the youngest but we’ve chatted about it and so far (still in the first week since this rule has been implemented) all is going well. Could you try something similar so you say good bye at the door and don’t go in? I do understand the issues (I have two younger ones with me on the school run) but I think it’s better to try to stop doing anything you think is causing an irritation with the teacher, rather than explain/justify and continue allowing it to happen.

Can you start bringing a toy of his own with you? Maybe 2 so he has his hands full? Or send your child in their class on their own? ( Im surprised they let the parents in the classroom, ours you wait outside for them )

I sympathise, my 3 year old behaves similar if he manages to get in the classroom ( he tries to run in while kids are coming out ) He went through a short stage of pulling all the outside toys out and refusing to put them back and then running in the classroom and disturbing the children 🙈

I ended up putting him in his pram for a week for the school run and he was really good for a while after that. Is a pram an option for you?

Please don't let your younger child play with the resources in the classroom. They are not there for him.

As a previous poster mentioned, the classroom environment and provision is carefully planned out and put together. This take a lot of time, effort and money (which is often the teachers...at least 60% of the resources in my classroom have been paid for by me!)

Getting your classroom ready to go to them have it tampered with by smaller children is infuriating.

That goes for the outside area too. In my previous school due to the layout of the building, parents had to pick up from our outdoor area. It was constantly being trashed by younger siblings being allowed to run free while they waited, and no amount of polite reminder letters seemed to make a difference.

Imagine if every parent had a younger child wanting to play with "just one or two" toys. It would be chaos. YABU.

Imagine if every parent took every sibling into the classroom and let them get stuck in! How many times a week are you in there? Does this go on every day? I think reception parents are allowed in to grab and go, not for detailed daily debriefing!

Teacher has noticed your child struggles with XYZ and has told you so. So she's aware of your child and has flagged up a few concerns. That's what she's there for. Did she say he lacks concentration and his mind is all over the place or is that your take on it? She probably "has more time for other parents" because you're in her classroom every day tbh!

Your child is in reception. You've got another 14-15 years of teachers. Let them do their job.

Nothing you've said about the teacher is any cause for concern.

To be honest there were/are some of DS's teachers that I really didn't click with. It happens even now at 15yo ( though have a lot less contact thank god) . You will not get on with all their teachers and vice versa. As long as she is doing her job and doing good by your child then all is good IMO Don't take it all so personally , though having said that I still seethe now about some of the things DS's year one teacher did even 10 years on so I get it

I often feel like she doesn't really like me.

Perhaps she doesn’t but, really, why should you care? As an adult you need to get to a place where you just couldn’t give a fiddler’s fart if your kid’s teacher doesn’t like you.

OP why don't you ask her if you can have a quiet word with her when she has the time - perhaps over your son's development and what you can do to address the issues she raised? then you can calmly ask her briefly about other issues eg your 2 yo's behaviour when dropping your other DS off.

i'll be honest that I guessed your child was in Reception before you said it, because these are the sorts of issues that really won't worry you as your child moves up school.

The teacher is there to teach your child and not be your friend.

• she made a mistake, which she apologised for
• your toddler should not be playing with the toys in the classroom
• yes, it would be nice to have had some positives at parents' evening. However maybe she felt it important to focus on the thing that might be an issue. I've been to loads of parents' evenings where the teacher says my DC is well behaved, a joy to teach, well behaved, a role model for other children ... eventually they run out of superlatives, but these type of parents' evenings are not actually very helpful.

How is she actually as a teacher? Does your DC like her?

Yes you should have been given some positives at parent eve.
Your toddler shouldn’t be messing with things in the classroom. At our school parents aren’t even allowed in.
She apologised. Mistake was made. Move on.
Interrupting? Maybe she’s trying to get a move on and get home, start teaching, tidy the classroom, speak to the next parent?

She probably "has more time for other parents" because you're in her classroom every day tbh!

EVERYONE is in her classroom everyday, please read my OP properly - it's been encouraged until at least Feb half term depending how the children get on. There's about 5 different things the kids need to remember to do in the mornings and we do not do it for them we just make sure they get done and prompt them if they get distracted chatting to each other or doing something else.

And I rarely if ever speak with her unless there's something I really need to discuss - nothing as such has cropped up for at least a month or more. I'm hardly hounding her.
She generally has a good natter with some of the other mums at drop off (usually the ones without any extra siblings in with them they have to watch) so it's not as if she hates being disturbed. Also she has between 3-5 classroom assistants t/as in at any given time too.

As I said in my OP I am aware it might just be me overthinking so I am taking all replies on board.
I will try to keep my 2yo away from the toys but I imagine that will make everything take even longer than it already does.

Can't for the life of me see the need for you to be 'supervising' your 4 yr old putting something in a tray when they arrive after, what, something like 15 weeks of school ?
Of course your 2 yr old shouldn't be messing with the resources.

There was a mistake over the thing you took in not having registered, and, despite everything else she has to do she still took the time to apologise to you.

but I find it really hard to talk to her without being interrupted (by her) or talked to like one of the kids, I often feel like she doesn't really like me.
Why / when are you having all these chats ? Maybe she needs to make the point she is there to teach and keep 30 dc safe, not stand around chatting with parents ??

She doesn't need to 'like' or 'not like' you - she is your dc's teacher, not a potential friend.

When both my sons were in Reception I found the teacher really lovely, BUT she did talk like a Reception class teacher! I guess that's what makes them good teachers for that age.

Can you pop your 2yo in a pushchair for drop off? This would solve the toy issue and also allow you to focus on getting your 4yo settled.

It's only a few more weeks till Feb 1/2 term so you could just put it down to one of those things.