Is this grooming?Or just loving?

[garysgreat]

Can I ask you opinions on this please?
I have a friend who has had a hard life.She was brought up in chaos and dysfunction and has low to no contact with all of her family.
Her relationships in the past vary from being ghosted, abused in all ways.
She has met a man who on the outside is charming, caring, loving.
She has fallen hard and' can't believe' her luck'.But I am worried and I can't think why?

He makes all decisions in their relationship, when they meet, what they will do, who they do it with, when she goes home.
He is 6 years older than her. She is 27.
He has specific sexual preferences which she does not but has decided to put up with it as she loves him.
He is incredible self obsessed, vain and selfish with his time.
He needs lots of alone time.He told her that he doesn't know of he believes in the marriage/kids package !
My friend is always available and does not listen to advice about living her own life.
He says he loves her, treats her well when they are together, is generous and kind to her, but always on his terms.
They are together since last Christmas.
What is going on? Why do I feel worried about it?

i'd be running for the hills, he's controlling her, this isn't love, there's a similar thread like this today on here but from the 'victims' current point of view.

I read some of it which hit a nerve but he is such a charming and lovely man who is very kind to my friend and does. And says all the rights things so I hoped I was being over sensitive

Any one else please??

The problem is if she 'doesn't listen to advice' then what can you do apart from be there if when it goes wrong.
He does sound controlling from what you've said but some women like that, mistaking it for love.
Is she voicing concerns or is this what you've picked up in conversation?

Yes it sounds toxic. She needs to have therapy otherwise she will never get out of this pattern.

Sounds very much like my ex-BIL. 😳 if it is, RUN FOR THE HILLS

How long have they been together?
What's her relationship history like?
Is she quite independent or is she vulnerable (aside from the shitty childhood)

At the beginning she was frustrated as he would not meet up regularly and often went under the radar. She fell very hard for him T the beginning and declared her love almost straight away. She told him her life story and all the abuses that she suffered at the hands of a controlling much older man.she had broken up with the ex partner of nearly ten years a few weeks before so jumped straight into the present one.
He didn't treat her badly but he didn't see her regularly either and it took six months to meet his friends or family despite living in the same town.
Friends always came first. In fact everything came first.
She was blown away by him and still is although is frustrated that there is no plan to move in together or discussion about marriage or kids.
He has told her that he understands if she wants kids but he very likely does not so not to depend on him. She has now changed her mind about having kids.
She is also sexually frustrated due to his sexual issues which he will not investigate or treat. Her pleasure doesn't figure by the impression she gives me.
He organises dates/ holidays/ weekends away and tells her when it's done and what they will be doing. She sees this as romantic and that's what upset me.
To give an example, they went away last week. He organised it and gave it to her as her Christmas present.She wanted to eat/ relax/ bathe in the hotel for the night away together( they have been with his friends for the all Christmas period) He said that they would be going out for drinks and that was that. I asked if she tried to persuade him. She said there was no point.
He is very flirtatious and is mostly surrounded by a bevvy of women.. friends.
Sorry for the detail but I really want to be honest and try to get an idea of what is happening as I do not want to discuss this with her without being clear in my mind.

Cross posts @GiveHerHellFromUs .
She is very financially independent as she has a poorly paid job and has to budget to pay rent and bills and keep a car. She manages that well.
It's unusual as she is self sufficient but when it comes to men, she falls fast and hard. Previous partner was abusivr and once again had a sexual preference that she despised but went along with to keep him happy.I would think that her self esteem is low.

I think she's probably not going to accept what he's like but I would be worried for her. It sounds like he's controlling and she's accepting it on the basis that he's doing nice things and is convincing her he knows what's best, bless her.

If I thought that he was kind and doing nice things for her out of goodness, I would be happy for her but it seems to me that she is compromising so much that is important to her for him.
Do these controlling behaviours.. conscious or subconscious escalate iye

This looks to me like a guru grooming a potential acolyte

Tell her to never let him move in, sounds like she's financially independent so keep it that way.

Of course it is concerning but until she is ready to listen to you there is nothing you can do to help sadly. Just be ready.

Sometimes being lovely and kind and saying all the right things is quite simply a calculated act, a mask that’s useful to wear.

If your friend won’t listen, all you can do is gently and carefully point things out in the hope that she’ll stop and think and a tiny sliver of doubt will appear. If he is putting on an act, once she begins to doubt him, she’ll notice more and more. Perhaps suggest she watches to see how he charms his female admirers? If it’s an act, she’s more likely to spot it when he’s doing it to others not herself.

He sounds egocentric and controlling to me.

I would have a sit down with her and have a heart to heart, state clearly that the way he's treating her is not normal and that he is abusing her. Let her react whichever way she wants but end the conversation by telling her that you will always be there to support her if she needs it. It is very important that she doesn't wake up one day and feel trapped with this man with no support to get out.

After this, if she dismisses your concerns let it rest, don't keep bringing it up but also don't encourage the relationship. It's important not to show your resentment against him too much/ refuse to socialise with him, as he can then make himself out as a martyr to her and start telling her that her friends are toxic, don't respect him, etc.

Don't let her end up closed off from the rest of the world with him being the only thing happening in her life, keep making dates to see her, keep inviting him to the occasional meet up, keep messaging and calling to see how she's doing. It's heart-breaking listening to someone you care about describe how they are being abused whilst also refusing to acknowledge the situation, but don't get angry and cut her off however hard it is to listen to.

Just be there to listen, often someone saying the things that are happening to them out loud to someone else is the only time they can actually hear how bad their situation sounds.

If you have a loving partner yourself, subtly mention all the functional, normal things he/she does for you, helping around the house, asking you what movie you want to go see, etc.

It all boils down to: be there for her and don't let her become alienated. She needs to continue being surrounded by normal people who she has functional relationships with if she's ever going to eventually see that what is happening with him is not right.

I sympathise, my friend had an extremely traumatic childhood and still lives with the family members that abused her, as you can imagine it has led to a very unhealthy relationship with a man who does not treat her respectfully.

All you can do as a friend is be there for her.

This is definitly the same person that posted earlier today. Just using a new username and posting from a friend stand point.

She needs to run, but from personal experience, she won’t, and if you try and push her, you’ll be the one getting dumped, not him. All you can do is be there for her, and try and boost her confidence whenever you can, but without slagging him off. Hopefully she’ll see the light one day.

You won't be able to say anything that she'll listen too. I was your friend.

Just be there for her when it goes wrong - be prepared for him to isolate her from her friends, from you.

She is vulnerable, he is exploiting her excitement, will isolate and control her more over time. Expect to gradually be phased out, especially if you express your concerns.

Should mention in regards to my above comment that yes, I think he is grooming her for a life of submission and abuse, though said abuse may not have actually started yet he is definitely emotionally manipulating her and showing controlling tendencies

My ex was exactly like him, please tell her to get away from him ASAP.
My life was ruined because of him .

Thanks. Firstly I am not todays poster but from reading some of the posts this morning led me to post this.
I do not imagine that he could ever be nasty and I wonder if he knows he is being controlling?
My own thoughts are that because of his sexual issues and because of his selfishness and massive ego, he knows that it will be very difficult to find a woman who will tolerate these things. My lovely friend will, no doubt about that.
Her bar is so low that she has decided that she doesn't want kids either!!!!! She is an amazing woman who is amazing with kids and ever since we were young, she has spoken about having kids.
She has said to me that he had always been upfront about his issues and his need for alone time and his need for a big circle around him so that'll me says that she can never say he led her on or made promises he didn't keep. It really is terribly complex but I need to hear that I'm not worried for no reason.
If you met this man you would find him to be the kindest gentlest loving man but in conversation between them, he calls every shot.
She spends so much time trying to please him, cooking, cleaning , sexy underwear . Almost anything to try to keep him interested / happy/ with her .I find it ghastly to watch.
I have thought on the past that he is gay and is closeted and worry that she may be a front for him as in his culture ,homosexuality is frowned upon, at the least.

Using a new username and posting from a friend's standpoint
Perhaps the OP is an abuser looking for tips on how to fly under the radar?

@UYScuti . How strange of you told think like that!
Please do not insult me like that.
I have already explained why I posted today having read some of the other post about vulnerable woman and controlling man.