To ask how your relationship is post children? How do you feel towards your partner now?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

This may be a bit garbled because my thoughts are all over the place...

Everyday I’m worrying a little about mine and DH’s relationship and whether it is failing.

Our children are 5 and 2 and it feels like we tag-team dealing with them and that most of our life surrounds them and our conversations are always about them.

We are tired all the time and our sex life has dwindled. We sleep separately a few times a week and this worries me too. We still hold hands, cuddle, give each other quick pecks on the lips etc but the passion has dimmed somewhat.

I remember how things were before the children and how enjoyable life was together. I remember how when he used to come home from work I would run down the stairs to him and fling my arms around him because I had missed him so much.

He’s an amazing husband in lots of ways, he’s a brilliant hands-on father and I know how lucky I am to have him. It isn’t perfect, we have little bickering moments which I think are usually because we are tired and feel fed up at times. I still miss him when he’s at work, we text each other throughout the day, we ring each other a few times a day when we are apart, he genuinely makes me smile, he makes me laugh and I do feel happy with my life.

However, that all encompassing love I used to feel pre-children has now become something more subdued and it worries me.

I fear that we are slipping into a co-parenting, loving friendship relationship as opposed to a typical husband and wife relationship.

Maybe our life is normal though? I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone in real life about it because I’m scared they will say that their relationship post children is exactly the same as when they didn’t have any and that the dynamics in a relationship shouldn’t change just because children come on to the scene.

I guess I’m just worried that things will never be like they used to be again, that we will drift apart and that one day we will wake up and not feel happy with each other anymore.

Is this kind of flump normal or do I need to worry?

Yes this can happen I think it is normal, it is because you don't have as much time just you together and the time is taken over working together with the kids and feeling tired etc.

If you can. carving out some alone time together can help such as having the DC go to parents for the night / weekend, for example. Easier as they get older.

I am finding this issue also as they are teens as they stay up late and feels tricky to be intimate in case they hear. It's not easy!

We have a 2yr old and an 11 week old and I totally get what you're saying. I find that on the days when we get to sit down, have dinner child free, and really talk and catch up, things get better. But day after day of managing kids, the never ending housework, laundry, mental load, and the divide and conquer needed with two kids, seems to make us more distant from each other. It's hard, we both need to put the effort in ti make each other feel valued and loved, but when we're both shattered it is difficult.

Young kids can put an incredible strain on a relationship but you can come through it. I'm always surprised that so many people break up at this stage rather than working through it but of course it depends on the strength of your relationship.

i could have written your post (and almost did earlier, but with some in-laws issues thrown in). I don't really have any answers, but like you I feel a little bit lost and confused about my life. I think making time for a physical relationship is important, because when we do things are so much better, but it's hard with all the other crap thrown on top

And I guess the love has to change, because I love my children more than him, would fight him for them, etc, etc. In a heartbeat, no question, they come before him, which means that the all-encompassing love just isn't possible any more...

It was hard when they were young as all our energy and effort went on them, but as they’ve got older and our relationship has got a lot better. Think what your feeling is very common and it will past as your children get more independent.

Could have written your post OP!

Two DC here, 2 and 4. It's been a very challenging few years. DD (4) was an awful sleeper until she was 2.5 and even now she still has nights where she wakes and wants to be in the big bed. DS is a bit better with sleep but we are still taking it in turns to sleep in his room as he wakes a few times a night and it's just easier, we both work so we need our sleep. So we are sleeping separately. DH wants us to be back in the same bed but I have bad sleep anxiety after five years of broken sleep and this just feels easier.

No childcare nearby. We work, we come home and child wrangle, by the time they are in bed I am touched out, peopled out and I just want to enjoy my own time or to go to bed. The children are wonderful but very lively and DS is super demanding right now. We get very frustrated and usually take it out on each other.

So we've had some very rocky patches, the first year of being parents was just the worst, lack of sleep I think gave me PND and we argued all the time. Since then, we have muddled through. Recently we've hit a bit of a turning point; started to try and communicate more, forgive each other more and make the effort to be affectionate. We've seen several friends who are parents go through break ups and I think it's made us realise how much we do love and appreciate each other, but also how easy it is to slide into the place where we have forgotten to be a couple.

Last year we had a night away for my big birthday and then our wedding anniversary, and both of these occasions made us realise that actually, we do like and love each other very much. Daily life with kids means you lose sight of it but it IS there.

I think these are the hardest years but we can get through them. Let's be honest, having DC is a game changer for your relationship, how can it not be?? My love for my DC is powerful and all consuming, and the affection I used to give DH goes on them. But I think we can get through this, but we do need to work at it.

Oh but on the upside, my love for him is deeper than ever because I love watching him with the DC we made together and he is a brilliant dad. I'd much rather be having these experiences with him and feel very grateful we've had this chance to be parents.

My DH and I are like ships that pass in the night at the moment, we both work full time, 2 kids, friends and family that make demands (not in a bad way, they just need our time too) and we try to keep half an eye on our hobbies and interests too. Leaves so little time for each other. We take each other for granted a bit but actually I think we know that the other will be there when we get back from parenting/life/friends/jobs/etc.
When we do get to spend time together we reconnect and its lovely, not quite like pre-kids because we're different people now but the spark is still there and he still makes me laugh like no one else. We need to make an effort to spend time together now, and its important that we do, but I think all this is so normal for a young family.

Yanbu.
We never find the time to reconnect, often you'll see the old spark having a laugh cooking but otherwise life is full on and pretty shit. Oh ageing parents close by which can't go the shop, well Dad could but will only go the newspaper isle.
2 DC with additional needs. Who won't sleep together but won't sleep alone. I am woke up at least 10 times most nights. I work 3 nights so DP wakes those nights. He works fulltime and uses his days off I work so I can catch up on sleep after a night shift. DS goes to school for 2 hours he is in mainstream.
I think we'll make it. I don't know some days.

3 and 1-year-olds here and could have written many of these posts. No answers though and I feel like we're just muddling through until the DC get a bit older. Have had a few not-very-nice arguments recently though and DH has said a couple of times we should separate but we've both started to give a bit more consideration to the other recently so hoping we can work it out.

Definitely think it's fairly normal for relationships to change even without fallout and bickering caused years of sleep deprivation and no time to yourself. As PP say, you instinctively put DC first and all your affection/attention is focused on them. Have to say that 90% of my emotional and mental capacity is DC then the rest is divided between work, wider family and friends, general life admin..and DH.

I think it is very usual, certainly applies to us and all parents I know, including the frequent separate sleeping / reduced sex life. It is sad though. It’s easy to love someone intensely when you only see them at weekends to do fun stuff. It is harder to love them when life brings challenges (like a child who struggles with sleep or discipline) particularly if you don’t admire the way the partner meets those challenges. I had much more admiration/respect for husband when he was doing impressive manly things in his twenties than when I watch him struggle with parenting, which does not come naturally to him. I think all you can do is keep reminding yourself that your partner is only human and it’s reasonable that they do things differently to your way (even when your way is clearly best). And one day the children will leave home and old age will come and and and...

Fairly normal - 5 and 3 year old here.

"I fear that we are slipping into a co-parenting, loving friendship relationship as opposed to a typical husband and wife relationship." Sorry but what did you think a marriage was supposed to be? 60yrs of romance? 😳

I think you have unrealistic expectations of marriage. To miss your husband soooo much after being apart for 8 hours that you run him and fling your arms around him! That was never going to last. If anything you should feel lucky that you got to experience that type of intense love at all.

I don't think it even has anything to do with the kids. It's just the length of time you've been together. I've been in an ltr with no kids, we didn't even live together. And the feelings dimmed exactly the same way you describe, at about the same time.

Thanks everyone for your replies, it’s nice to know everyone else is having the same feelings and worries. I suppose I should talk to my husband about it really because I’m concerned that maybe he’s feeling the same way. At least if I knew we both had the same worries then we could connect on that level.

Sorry but what did you think a marriage was supposed to be? 60yrs of romance? 😳

Well maybe not 60 years, but we’re only 7 years in, so yes I was kind of hoping we’d still have the spark and the romance at this early point.

Sounds like you've still got that spark, just damped down under all the day-to-day stuff. We've found it's worth the effort to plan a date night each week and the odd time off work while kids are in school/nursery, and occasionally babysitting. Once my youngest was in school too life got a good chunk easier. Good luck.

Yes same.
You hope when theh get older you'll still be tight enough as a couple to be a bit more loving towards each other- to have a bit more couple time when it becomes available.
Get a babysitter as a regular thing? Tall to each other in positive ways
But also yes donr expect sunshine Rose's and rainbows again. I'm guessing you weren't together long before you had kids! Life is not a honeymoon
Also agree- love DH in different ways now I see him as a dad. I guess he feels the same about me (not sure how I feel about that!)

Cross post
So when you got pregnant youd been together a year or so.... yes honeymoon phase! That wouldn't last forever kids or no kids (it would be exhausting and probably a but fake if it did!)

Wow. My typos are terrible!

So when you got pregnant youd been together a year or so.... yes honeymoon phase!

We got married three years after meeting and then I got pregnant about four months after the wedding.

To me, that "co-parenting, loving friendship relationship", laughing together, talking together, doing everyday things together is the most beautiful thing I know.

That sense of being part of a team, knowing that someone has my back, that we have weathered some horrendous storms together and that we've been able to come through because we had each other. Knowing that the wonderful things I imagined about him when i was young and starry-eyed and in love were actually true: that he is a fine man and one I can rely on.
Knowing that the certainty that we can rely on each other as a family unit is there as a reassurance and a secure foundation for our children as they make their own way in life.

Our children are grown-up now, though one of them still lives at home and the other still needs a bit of extra support due to disability and MH issues.

What we found was that as dc became more independent, dh and I found more time for doing things as a couple. We have put some extra effort into finding things we enjoy doing together, and things that don't come with too high expectations of "now we have 5 minutes so we have GOT to be romantic". Having a joint hobby helps a lot.

Also (once the frantic phase of parenting is over) turning ordinary every chores into a shared interest. Dh and I sit down every Saturday morning with a cup of coffee to plan the week's meals. It is very companionable, but at the same time something that would have to be done anyway: we are just choosing to frame it as couple's time. My DM was reminiscing about her childhood at Xmas and one thing she remembered is how my grandfather (a gentleman born around 1890) would get involved in kitchen chores simply because he liked spending time with my grandmother (though apparently he pulled the kitchen blinds down before he did the washing up so the neighbours wouldn't see). That was a marriage that stayed happy for a very long time.

4 year old and 2 year old and I could've written this post word for word. Love my husband dearly but worried that we are slipping in bad havits

But our kids are a nightmare, bedtime is a fucking circus every night and takes something like 2 hours plus. Divide and conquer is our method and we are just so shattered afterwards. Can't remember last time we had sex and I'm just so touched out and exhausted

So no advice. Just solidarity

Can't remember last time we had sex and I'm just so touched out and exhausted

That’s our problem. I’m still breast feeding our two year old and he feeds ALL the time! I’m so touched out it’s untrue

I have told my DH that we’re having an “early night” though so hopefully we’ll have both remembered what to do

This thread is so reassuring. It's comforting to know this is normal and we are not alone. There's so much stuff that goes on social media that makes you feel like everyone else is navigating parenthood smoothly and without any disruption to their relationship...but the reality is very different.

Still waiting for very hyper 2 year old to sleep. Hard day at work, have been longing for a glass of wine, and chance to connect with DH. By the time I've DS down I'm going to be no good to anyone! God I hate the bedtime 'routine'....