To ask how your relationship is post children? How do you feel towards your partner now?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

This may be a bit garbled because my thoughts are all over the place...

Everyday I’m worrying a little about mine and DH’s relationship and whether it is failing.

Our children are 5 and 2 and it feels like we tag-team dealing with them and that most of our life surrounds them and our conversations are always about them.

We are tired all the time and our sex life has dwindled. We sleep separately a few times a week and this worries me too. We still hold hands, cuddle, give each other quick pecks on the lips etc but the passion has dimmed somewhat.

I remember how things were before the children and how enjoyable life was together. I remember how when he used to come home from work I would run down the stairs to him and fling my arms around him because I had missed him so much.

He’s an amazing husband in lots of ways, he’s a brilliant hands-on father and I know how lucky I am to have him. It isn’t perfect, we have little bickering moments which I think are usually because we are tired and feel fed up at times. I still miss him when he’s at work, we text each other throughout the day, we ring each other a few times a day when we are apart, he genuinely makes me smile, he makes me laugh and I do feel happy with my life.

However, that all encompassing love I used to feel pre-children has now become something more subdued and it worries me.

I fear that we are slipping into a co-parenting, loving friendship relationship as opposed to a typical husband and wife relationship.

Maybe our life is normal though? I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone in real life about it because I’m scared they will say that their relationship post children is exactly the same as when they didn’t have any and that the dynamics in a relationship shouldn’t change just because children come on to the scene.

I guess I’m just worried that things will never be like they used to be again, that we will drift apart and that one day we will wake up and not feel happy with each other anymore.

Is this kind of flump normal or do I need to worry?

OP we were thr same - got married just under 3 years of meeting, got pregnant practically on honeymoon! So first year of married life wasn't quite what I expected. I was 35 so didn't want to hang about but at the same time, it would have been lovely to have a bit of time where we weren't either planning a wedding or buying a house...

Oh yes and try and talk to your DH. We feel much better when we're able to admit to each other that we're struggling. It helps.

Popped downstairs to pour a glass of wine so at least if I'm here for the long term, it's not so bad. Now I just need some chocolate...

But our kids are a nightmare, bedtime is a fucking circus every night and takes something like 2 hours plus. Divide and conquer is our method and we are just so shattered afterwards. Can't remember last time we had sex and I'm just so touched out and exhausted.

All of these posts could be me, but that quote made me laugh as it IS me. Relieved I’m may not be alone. Also sleeping separately due to my sleep anxiety.

Solidarity from here to you all. Older parents (DH is 51 and I am 43), boys are 5 and 2. Maybe that makes us more tired. But I definitely don’t have the answer.

Yeah we are older too, both 40, ok so not old by today's standards but what I wouldn't give for the evergy of a decade ago! Mind you, 10 years ago I was spending my Friday getting very drunk and I wouldn't have it any other way

So our “early night” went very well and now we are about to curl up in bed and watch a film together. Feeling very happy.

A bit late with this reply but...

Myself and my husband are going through the EXACT same phase. Now our kids are 9 months and 3 years. Unfortunately what you are experiencing IS totally normal, it's just how life gets sometimes I guess.

You both need to find time to prioritise each other. Easier said than done I know, especially when you're knackered, lol.
But you have to remember, you were people enjoying your lives before the kids came along, and it doesn't mean that everything needs to go on the back-burner now.

Is it possible for you to have "date night" when the kids go down? Or for someone to take them off your hands for a few hours at the weekend so you can both just eat out together? I found I've definitely noticed a difference in our relationship once I started making sure we got some alone time again. It's just about reconnecting isn't it👍🏻
You sound like you have a great relationship already though 💗💗👍🏻👍🏻.

I have three children and no extra family support. My partner and I have a now almost unrecognizable relationship. Our time is completely consumed by the children, 6, 4 and 6 months. We acknowledge that we still want to be together and that this phase will pass. I really look forward to the day when we can to have time again, just to do things together. It is just so impossible at the moment.
I really hope he hangs in here with me and doesn't have an affair. With small children I feel like we are fighting in a ceaseless battle together. I can't quite beleive we blew up our lives in this fashion, or that anyone does! But I am not naive about this being prime period for affairs and break ups. I hope he sticks it out with me, as he knows that I am prepared to go the distance

Can’t stand him

But I am not naive about this being prime period for affairs and break ups.

And that’s where the worry lies isn’t it.
Maybe because it’s years and years of seeing threads on here where men have cheated/left because they can’t deal with the difficulties that come with having young children.

bbyj - sorry to hear that

stick with it OP, it gets a lot easier and you definitely sound like you have something that will get great again

I could have written your first post and have have children the same age. It's normal in pretty much everyone I know with young children

The difference is, I'd been with my now husband for 10 years before having our first child, so we were well out of the honeymoon period and already more into the long term companionship type relationship.

I think my DH is brilliant and frustrating in equal measures. The children are the priority and leave little time and energy for us. Hard with no family nearby to help.

I think what we find hard is that whenever we are home I’ve got an eye on the children all the time and my attention is never 100% on my husband, even when we having a conversation.

He will be talking to me about something, and I’m always half zones out and listening to what the children are up to and if I hear them arguing or doing something naughty I go straight into parenting mode and without even realising I completely cut my husband off and start talking to them.

I know that annoys DH but if the children are up to mischief then I have to put a stop to it, not just let them carry on until DH has finished his story.

And like a lot of young children (I imagine) they are all “mommy, mommy, mommy” and show preference for me, and I think he finds that hard too.

I dont know if its normal i know its common. My relationship went downhill after kids. We are too tired and resentful to do anything as a couple. We dont even have time to pursue our own interests sleep properly, even think. Constantly in survival mode. No sex whatsoever either. No intimacy. Its all gone shit sadly.

That’s really sad coughy - how old are your children? Do you think things can ever be salvaged?

I really hope that one day me and DH can start focusing on each other again.

We went on a City Break five months ago and I was surprised to realise how much I had missed just spending time with him and how much I enjoyed his company. I can honestly say that for the three days we are away I didn’t really think about the children at all. But then we came back, normality kicked in again and things carried on exactly as they had before the trip. I guess I had hoped the trip away would be the start of changing things but instead it was just a brief interlude.

I completely felt like this when our DC were young. Just try to ride it out.
It is much easier now, DC are 9 & 10 actually this may be the calm before the storm of teens... We are closer now and have been through a lot together. We're not in the honeymoon phase anymore, but it's fine.

And if I run to DH when he gets in from work and throw my arms round his neck, he knows his luck's in!

But that's normal, isn't it? No my attention is never 100% on him. But his attention is never 100% on me. He is listening out, half an eye for children needing him too.

If you're the only one doing this then I can see it would feel uneven. Maybe if he felt responsible for this kind of thing as well, he wouldn't feel annoyed when you interrupt conversations (etc) to do it. And they might not have so much of a preference. I prescribe a lot more Daddy time.

OP I think you guys sound like you're actually doing really well. To still have affection, to miss each other, to be in touch throughout the day - those are all good things. Me and DH are the same (DC are 2 and 4) and I've always looked at those things as a sign we are strong and managing despite the impossibility of much one on one time with each other.

Talking about it helps though, we're both well aware that most of our attention is taken up by the DCs. I've found talking about it actually makes us feel even more of a team. If we're in the kitchen trying to snatch 5 minutes of conversation and the DCs start arguing it becomes almost a joke "ffs I'll just never try and speak to you ever again ha" which makes it feel more like we're in it together rather than ignoring each other. We talk a lot about how to mitigate that feeling of being friends/parents rather than romantic.

Sex is something that just needs a bit more effort. We really struggled for quite a long time but making it more a priority seems to have a circular effect where I'm wanting to do it more often. It wasn't until I stopped breastfeeding though. It's hard sometimes to go from that kind of touch to a sexual touch imo. Also Esther Perel's talks are great listen to for more about long term relationships. Her podcast is great.

I read a brilliant line somewhere, comparing parenting to 'two people who dated once, and are now running a nursery'.

Our relationship has changed, it feels less carefree (well, obviously) and somewhere along the way we ditched the pet names and kind of silly jokes that an outsider would have found nauseating anyway. I do think that being put through the wringer of babyhood has strengthened the relationship in other ways though, and I'm enjoying our gradual 'reunion' as ds gets older

I think it's to be expected really. Youung children should be the main focus of your lives at the moment.

While I was pregnant we spoke and basically agreed to be forgiving towards eachother. We knew we would be grumpy and we knew we would not be our best selves during this time. We don't take anything too seriously really and if we bicker, we don't dwell on it.

We do find time to go out every few months for a meal or a day in a city and we do manage not to only talk about kid stuff.

I think arranging more "brief interludes" will keep the relationship going OP. What you describe is very common IMO but I think the fact you say he's a brilliant father and you love that side of him means you're winning. For me the distance in the relationship has been caused not by the DC - who are actually pretty good/sleep relatively well etc - but the fact that my husband is not what I would consider a brilliant father and as such I've completely gone off him. I feel let down and that he wasn't the man I thought he was.

I actually long for what you and other posters have described - the sense of being a team, friendship, divide and conquer etc. I feel so lonely since the DC came along as 99.9% of the parenting/domestic work falls to me and I wish we could be "in it together" that's literally all I want. So I think you'll be fine! You're just in the trenches right now.

I feel so lonely since the DC came along....

This is how I feel at times because because although we do make a great team and DH does more than his fair share of childcare and house duties, it’s still me who does the majority of the day to day childcare stuff.

I understand that’s completely to be expected as he works 5 days a week and I only work two, but it can feel so monotonous at times and sometimes wish I could have as much “time out” as he does.

You'll get there I promise. Keep the lines of communication open. Talk to eachother, be 100% honest, tell him how you wish you could dedicate more time to him, but you find it impossible. Tell him your fears, you're afraid you're drifting apart, you're worried about him getting fed up with lack of intimacy etc. Honestly he's probably thinking the same thing you are 💗💗. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're raising a family. That's what me and my OH did, some days it's harder than others but trust me, it works.