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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To give husband an ultimatum

46 replies

rach3y · 09/01/2020 21:50

I am the breadwinner of the relationship. His passion is home renovation and and he has itchy feet for new project , we have offer in on a new project , this time it will be slightly different as we have a toddler

When I went back to work from mat leave I was hoping to work 3 days a week, but husband was not happy with this due to the changes it would have on income and pushed me to do 4 days. Which I am not happy about . We would survive on me doing 3 days , but he doesn't want to reduce the quality of life that we have and sees this as being really important for our son

My values are somewhat different , and about being available for my son. When we move home we are also thinking about moving my sons nursery which would be term time only and school hours , I would like to be as available to him as much as possible and can't see how I would make 4 days 9-5 work work around his nursey timing and holidays , the commute to and from the new home and nursey to my work is longer so timings will be difficult

He doesn't seem to worry about this or think about this , I have a job opportunity to drop in 4 hours a week which will make nursey picks ups much easier , this is will be a drop of 250 a month , he is saying this is even too much of a drop .

I have given him an ultimatum that unless I can reduce 4 hours a week then the house and nursey move is not realistic - I can't see how it will possible work , he is keeping up with not agreeing to the drop in hours so we have reached a sticking point . Aibu?

OP posts:
Riojasmoothy · 09/01/2020 21:55

So you are the breadwinner while your husband indulges in "his passion". Then he puts pressure on you to turn down an opportunity to spend more time with your child because he values material things over quality time?
I would definitely tell him that if he can't face the lower income then he needs to find a way to bridge the gap.

Whynosnowyet · 09/01/2020 21:56

He needs to up his earnings the cf..
He doesn't get to get more 'free time' while dc gets more time without you...

Annasgirl · 09/01/2020 21:58

Sorry OP, you are not clear. Does your husband just renovate houses you buy or does he have another job? Why can’t he mind the child?

Frenchw1fe · 09/01/2020 21:59

Your dh needs to earn the £250.if he wants it so badly.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/01/2020 22:00

I don't think he gets to dictate this...

madcatladyforever · 09/01/2020 22:00

Chuck the cocklodger out.

Strategicchoring · 09/01/2020 22:02

Do your dh's renovations make money for you both ie do you make money on doing up and selling?

SandyY2K · 09/01/2020 22:03

Does his passion actually bring in an income? A regular one?

Why does he get to indulge his passion, while you shoulder the financial responsibilities.

At the end of the day what can he do if you reduce your hours? Is he thinking about the time you spend with your DS?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/01/2020 22:04

How many hours per week does he work?

Apileofballyhoo · 09/01/2020 22:12

You're the breadwinner and also the main carer and DH is what?

billy1966 · 09/01/2020 22:13

He's a right prize. Not.

Have a good hard think OP.

Waveysnail · 09/01/2020 22:15

What is he earning? Surely he is does the majority of childcare and pick ups and drips offs if he is at home

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/01/2020 22:16

What does he do? Does he work? Or is he a SAHP

ByeMF · 09/01/2020 22:18

So he is basically setting the rules and ignoring your opinion. Fuck it, I'd just drop the extra day and cut my living expenses to suit. You'll never get those years with your child back.

DesLynamsMoustache · 09/01/2020 22:19

What's his contribution to the family? It's not financial, it doesn't seem to be practical if you're doing all the nursery pickups, so what is it?

DesLynamsMoustache · 09/01/2020 22:19

And I'd just do it. What's he going to do about it? Just tell him it's a done deal.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/01/2020 22:21

So he is basically setting the rules and ignoring your opinion. Fuck it, I'd just drop the extra day and cut my living expenses to suit. You'll never get those years with your child back.

This will bells on OP.. Flowers

Babooshkar · 09/01/2020 22:21

You have not been clear about what your husband actually does - does he work or bring in any money? Does he share parenting?

Plumbus · 09/01/2020 22:23

You have not been clear about what your husband actually does - does he work or bring in any money? Does he share parenting?

Indeed. Is your husband a SAHP or is he working? Is he doing all the domestic stuff? Does he do the nursery drop offs/pickups?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/01/2020 22:25

I think it's fair to mutually agree to a drop in the household income.

I could "just drop a day and amend my personal spend to suit" but a drop of 1 day per week would amount to 50% of the mortgage bill per month. That's a lot in that perspective.

cybergran · 09/01/2020 22:29

when i read posts like this, i realise why i am terminally single..

i would pick my child up under one arm, my salary cheque under the other and tell him to go and fook himself.

age has not made me more tolerant. good for you op for being so tolerant. i really admire your perseverance.. it won't get you anywhere and is not likely to bring you happiness, but its great that you try so hard.

Ohpleasefuckofflove · 09/01/2020 22:34

Op you deserve so much better. He sounds like such a CF!!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/01/2020 22:35

OP you need to be clearer. Are you the only one working or are you the breadwinner because you are the higher earner?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2020 22:37

Thankfully he’s not your boss.

If you’re on maternity now and only have this child then he’s not a SAHP he’s a piss taker.

He doesn’t get to crack the whip because he wants a better life without working for it himself.

CalleighDoodle · 09/01/2020 22:38

Whats your husbands role

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