To give husband an ultimatum

[rach3y]

I am the breadwinner of the relationship. His passion is home renovation and and he has itchy feet for new project , we have offer in on a new project , this time it will be slightly different as we have a toddler

When I went back to work from mat leave I was hoping to work 3 days a week, but husband was not happy with this due to the changes it would have on income and pushed me to do 4 days. Which I am not happy about . We would survive on me doing 3 days , but he doesn't want to reduce the quality of life that we have and sees this as being really important for our son

My values are somewhat different , and about being available for my son. When we move home we are also thinking about moving my sons nursery which would be term time only and school hours , I would like to be as available to him as much as possible and can't see how I would make 4 days 9-5 work work around his nursey timing and holidays , the commute to and from the new home and nursey to my work is longer so timings will be difficult

He doesn't seem to worry about this or think about this , I have a job opportunity to drop in 4 hours a week which will make nursey picks ups much easier , this is will be a drop of 250 a month , he is saying this is even too much of a drop .

I have given him an ultimatum that unless I can reduce 4 hours a week then the house and nursey move is not realistic - I can't see how it will possible work , he is keeping up with not agreeing to the drop in hours so we have reached a sticking point . Aibu?

2 days ago you wanted to keep in his current nursery which will entail a 25 minute drive in the direction of your work? Now you say you want to change nursery to one that in your last thread wasnt as good as the one he is at. And you wont say what your DH does. Please make your mind up OP

Why does he get to dictate what you do?! Cheeky lazy fucker.

You're in a partnership, your opinion counts just as much as his. What happens if you dig your heels in too?!

If your DH is so worried about losing £250 a month, he needs to get off his arse and earn the shortfall. Agree with others, you will never get this time with your son back. And that is priceless.

He can earn it if it's that important to him. CF.

Does he have a job?

drop to 3 days and if he's not earning as much as you he can do a couple of shifts in a local pub/taxi in the evening.

Just do what is best for you.

He can complain. But so what? He doesn’t own you.

He is doing what is best for him.

why start these long threads and then just disappear? weird

To be fair @WildChristmas we have absolutely no idea what he is doing other than he likes renovating houses. Whether he does this full time or in his spare time is not at all clear

And 2 days ago the issue with nursery was how long dc would be in the car not about dropping hours or anything else.

He doesn't get to dictate how many hours you work. You choose how many hours you work. If he doesn't like it he can leave or get a job/increase his hours himself.

So does your dh work? How old is DC?

I'm on the other side of this--the one pursuing a passion while my husband supports me. I'm wracked with guilt every day. I'm so conscious of the fact I'm not earning, and feel guilty whenever he's stressed at work. I tell him repeatedly that he must never stay in a job because he feels he must support me, and that while I'm so grateful for the support, I know I am completely responsible for myself. He's talked about dropping down days in the future and I've always been genuinely 100% supportive.

Your husband is shirking his responsibilities. If he wants to pursue his passion then he has to accept a drop in income. Being there for your son is far more important for his well-being than 250 quid a month (I'm assuming you can pay for the basics like food and shelter).

🤔

Everyone wants to know - what does DH actually do?
If you’re the breadwinner and also the person running about worrying about nursery pick ups, DH had better be fabulously handsome because being decorative is all that’s left when you are of no actual use

So does he have a full time job. If not why isn't he collecting your DC from childcare

Why can't he get a job?

He's being a major CF!

He doesn't want you to reduce your earnings so he can keep HIS 'quality of life' it's certainly not to improve your, or your DCs quality of life. it should be a decision made in the interests of all family members.

Tell him that you'll be reducing your hours to improve your, and your dcs quality of life, if he wants to continue with HIS quality of life he needs to make the necessary changes himself, such as reduce his hobby, his hobbies take longer to complete or he gets a better paid job with less hours

I’d be saying what’s good for the goose is good for the gander and I’d be stopping supporting his ‘passion’ hobby

What sort of change has he made to his Ive to accommodate having a child? Is he ever doing the drop off or pick up at nursery? Does he have any idea of the constrains coming with that?

I think you are right. He can’t at the same time demand you work 4 days, live in x place etc... and at the same time also expect you to pick up the slack and struggle with the consequences of it.

Btw if he has no income to talk about, he doesn’t get to decide how much you are working and how.

And why in earth is he not doing all the pick up and drop off if he doesn’t have to be at work for a certain time? Why no support during the school hols?

He is a twat if the first order really.