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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty for not doing enough with my 10 month old?

31 replies

Enoughety · 09/01/2020 20:50

I'm not sure if it's just me overthinking, but I feel really guilty that I don't do enough with my 10 month old, and although everyday I try it doesn't seem to change anything.

We didn't plan to have a baby at this point in our lives, but it happened and we embraced it with both arms; the main thing I guess was buying a house (which we were extremely fortunate to be in a position to do), so I am thankful that we have a roof over our head and I can put food on the table, so I do wonder if I'm being pathetic worrying.

I suffered injury following birth which means my bladder is basically broken, I don't leave the house unless someone else can come with me as the pram won't fit in any of the toilets locally, and I don't get enough notice of needing to go to allow getting home etc; so we stay home alot (I can't wear a sling as my pelvis isnt strong enough yet and it's agony). He has loads of toys, books, I play, we go in the garden, I cook fresh meals, he seems content. We go to baby group once a week as our boiler broke a few weeks after moving in which wiped a huge amount from the money we had saved for maternity leave, and nothing here is free, and in the summer we went swimming- but aside from that and walking to town most days if someone can come with me that's all the stimulation he has. I am starting back at work next month which should maybe help as he will be in childcare during the day and I can get a car on the road again so we can go places.

But I feel so guilty and like I am failing him every night I cry. My partner has been posted away with work for 6 months and that's been hard. I don't know really what I'm asking, I'm just struggling today.

OP posts:

DesLynamsMoustache · 09/01/2020 20:56

It sounds like you do plenty! At that age, they're usually just happy marauding about the house. My DD is about to turn 1, and while we do do a lot, it's mostly for me so we can get out of the house, not for her. She's perfectly happy just crawling around the house, pulling herself up on furniture, chasing the cat, playing with cardboard boxes, etc. Spending time together is the important thing, not the places you go.

DesLynamsMoustache · 09/01/2020 20:57

Also you're doing bloody well with your husband away and what sounds like a horrible injury to your bladder so please be kinder to yourself

Elliesmommy · 09/01/2020 20:57

You sound like an incredible mom. It's not easy plus you have added trauma with your bladder. Not to mention your partner being away. Your baby is so lucky to have a mom. The fact you think you're not doing enough just shows how much you love and care for them. Go easy on yourself x

puds11 · 09/01/2020 20:59

The main benefit of baby groups is so the mothers don’t go insane. I don’t think the babies really care what they’re doing. As long as he’s meeting his milestones and isn’t bored shitless, which it sounds like he’s got plenty going on, then I really wouldnt worry. You can over stimulate a baby

LoisLittsLover · 09/01/2020 21:00

'He seems content' - this is plenty then :)

Shayisgreat · 09/01/2020 21:01

Sorry about your health difficulties. Hope they get better soon. That all sounds fine for the first year! Baby groups and outings are more for the benefit of the parents so don't let yourself suffer with guilt.

YasssKween · 09/01/2020 21:02

Bloody hell you sound AMAZING!!!

You are already doing plenty and with all of the extra stress you have on top of everyday stress.

You should be proud of yourself. You are not failing him. You have a happy little boy, a home, you're doing your best and your best sounds bloody good to all of us. Go easy on yourself.

I really hope your pain starts improving soon

ivykaty44 · 09/01/2020 21:03

Babies don’t need to go out, they don’t need to go in cars - in fact it’s far better for their lungs that they don’t travel in a car very often

Babies need live, food, caring for and being in their own environment.

You’re doing a great job

Get to your gp and talk to them about your bladder and what can be done to help

And if I was out and needed the loo I used to leave the door open and hold on to the pram handle - no one ever looked

ItFigures · 09/01/2020 21:03

You sound love a lovely mum and are doing a bloody great job. The mum guilt is real - I feel it daily myself. Keep doing what you’re doing lady and I hope your health improves.

cate16 · 09/01/2020 21:03

As long as you talk, read to, and play with your baby you are doing fine. :)

Daftodil · 09/01/2020 21:04

I know lots of new mums that spent half their mat leave in the car driving from baby class to baby class. I'm sure your DC prefers being able to crawl about and play with mummy much more than he'd enjoy being strapped into a car seat for hours each week. Sounds like you're doing a great job & do plenty - go easy on yourself 💐

Minster2012 · 09/01/2020 21:33

I echo everyone else, sounds like a great job especially with your other half away. Do you have a local community centre with any other groups? I’m not saying you haven’t looked! Also, if your bladder is broken could you ask your GP about a radar key for disabled toilets which can enable you to use toilets in places like cafes? I hope you are using disabled toilets, you are more than entitled to with a pressing need to go in places you aren’t specifically eating in for instance (as a sufferer of a condition sounds similar I have a card I can wave at ppl who dare to question me!) but mostly I just say “I have an invisible toilet related disability” & that shuts ppl up!!

stonebrambleboy · 09/01/2020 21:34

You sound like a wonderful mum to your little one.
I've seen mums leave toilet doors open with their prams in view, and really no one takes a second look.

Booberella9 · 09/01/2020 21:37

Defo get a radar key. And never be shy about using disabled loo and taking pram in. I wonder where you live that there are no baby changing facilities? Those are usually combined with the disabled loo and easily fit pram in.

anon2000000000 · 09/01/2020 21:42

My dd is nearly same age and I feel this way too.

Baby classes coincide with naps so we haven't been yet.

She does plenty around the house, out walking the dogs, shopping, etc.

Cremebrule · 09/01/2020 21:45

Oh gosh you really aren’t failing him. I’ve got a similar aged baby and she is much happier and settled on the days we’re at home and able to play and nap well rather than the days she’s dragged around after her sister. In 6m time it might be a bit different (you’ll want to get out for your own sanity) but babies don’t need to go to classes etc. I’ve chosen to do far less second time round as I realised it’s not really necessary at all.

nowaypose · 09/01/2020 21:51

Baby groups are more for the Mother’s rather than babies. Babies honestly find really simple things totally incredible such as keys, boxes, cutlery etc. My 14 month old has a ridiculous amount of expensive wooden toys but he’s still more interested in cups and remote controls.

You’re doing as much as you physically can which is definitely enough, don’t beat yourself up.

wonderstuff · 09/01/2020 21:52

Sounds like you're doing a great job in really difficult circumstances. Please stop feeling guilty. I'm a bit worried about you if you're crying every night. Please seek help if you're struggling, if you're always tearful you need support. Be kind to yourself x

nowaypose · 09/01/2020 21:53

Try the app Hoop if you haven’t already, I’d be surprised if there’s genuinely zero free groups in your area. Do you have a local library? They usually have a rhyme time session, that’s where I take my DS on my day off.

Oldishusernewname · 09/01/2020 21:54

Go easy on yourself!!

Your baby is loved, clean, warm and fed. You are doing great

usethedata · 09/01/2020 21:55

It sounds to me like you are doing a really great job, and even better considering the challenges you have. At this age stimulation comes mainly from interaction with people i.e. you. If you are talking to him, singing to him, playing with him, he is getting all the stimulation he needs. And to be doing this on your own sounds more than tough, so it's not surprising to have a wobble from time to time. But when you say you cry ever night it makes me wonder if you could also be a little depressed? I suffered with PND and once it was treated life felt a lot easier. Maybe speak to your GP?

Oldishusernewname · 09/01/2020 21:58

I just want to add (and I hope I don't sound condescending, that's really not my intention!), my children are teens/young adults now and 90% of the stuff we worry about when they are little means nothing in the long run. Please give yourself a break and try to enjoy these early days

Original poster

Enoughety · 09/01/2020 21:58

Thank you everyone, when we moved it was away from most of my friends, and it's been hard not knowing many people, and feeling like everyone is doing so much and making comments. I have struggled mentally as well as physically since the birth and am fortunate enough to be recieving support which is helping, thank you for asking- still waiting for a referral for the physical side but I guess thats the case for a lot of people. There are a few accessible toilets but they are outside of town, and I don't always have time to walk to them once I need to go (if that makes sense), the public ones are situated in a car park so it's hard with the door open as if anyone opens the main door anyone can see in! There is a cafe which has loos but they are upstairs. I did see a post on a local Facebook group about a petition for better facilities in town itself, so I offer admin support to them so hopefully if that ever comes to fruition it will benefit lots of people, even if I am 'healed' one day and won't need them.

OP posts:

Comtesse · 09/01/2020 22:37

Hope you are seeing physio who specialises in pelvic floor? Can make a massive difference!

ChocolateCoins19 · 09/01/2020 22:43

You're doing an amazing job.
Not sure if been said. But in your position I'd use disabled loos. Or baby change with toilet.. Lot have them now.

When I had my ds 14 yrs ago nearly. I didn't do anything with him.. Sounds awful and it is.. I lived in an area not very desirable.. I knew no one.. And quite honestly I didn't want to get to know anyone..
I used to get up. Trawl 2 busses and sit at my parents house. Because I hated where I lived so much..
Looking bk I was prob depressed as I don't ever recall sitting and playing with him..
It makes me feel. Shit and I'd be happy if I'd have done half of what you do with your ds.

You're doi g great

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