To ask how to raise confident DC

[Squirrelplay]

Curious as to what people consider essential to raising a confident child? My eldest DD is just four. She started preschool last September and four months in is still painfully shy with her classmates and reluctant at drop-offs.

I imagine some of it is her innate character, as her younger sister is quite the opposite and talks to everyone she meets/dives head first into new situations despite their upbringing being the same. But what environmental factors do you think can potentially influence confidence?

I fell somewhere in the middle as a child. I do remember feelings of inferiority though - our family were very much working class and my group of friends at school all came from comfortable middle class backgrounds, so I think that definitely had an impact on my confidence at the time. This was balanced by my lovely mum building us up any way she could/trying her hardest to give us as many opportunities as possible, which definitely helped. Though I'm certainly not overflowing with confidence today, I do try hard to be an assertive role model but she's an intuitive child and would be quick to pick up on my discomfort in certain social settings I'm sure.

Anyway I know being shy at this age is normal for many children, but am IBU to think there's anything I can do/should have done in the early years to help build up her confidence?

Love, praise and encouragement. You can never tell a child you love them too much. You can never spoil them with praise or encouragement.

You can't change a child's temperament some people are naturally more extrovert. I think you can build up confidence by praising effort an focusing on attributes within the child's control. Can't have enough love either (and not just telling them you love them, show them by accepting them for who they are, take interest in the things they say and do etc.)

Be quietly confident yourself.

Be accepting of who they are.

Never compare them to anyone else. Always comment on their enjoyment, determination, insight, originality, but don't say too much about how they are 'good' at whatever it is they are doing.

Appreciate (and meaningfully praise) the process, but don't be overly concerned about the result.
So, be interested and even wowed by their artwork as they are doing it, but don't make too much of a fuss over the finished painting (unless the child seems very interested in it, which usually they are not).
Be genuinely excited and fascinated by their learning process, especially when they are trying something new, but only be mildly interested in their marks, grades, commendations, stickers, head-teacher's awards, etc.

I think there is something not quite genuine about telling a child they are great at something when they are not. Encourage by all means but don’t over praise.

I would encourage dialogue. Chat. Ask questions and expect answers. Follow up on her answers. Definitely encourage taking part in school activities and show disappointment if she ducks out. Encourage taking part and joining in. Have a positive “can do” attitude and high expectations. Obviously don’t be unkind and be realistic. Love is given to most DC so yours doesn’t need more than others!

Praising doesn't mean telling a child they're great at something they're not. It should be praising effort, or politeness, kindness, praising what they are good at.

"love, praise and encouragement"

This is totally right. I wouldn't dispute at all.

But I do think genuine confidence as opposed to false confidence depends to some extent on having to develop it internally.

I was raised with what I now think was slightly false confidence, bordering on entitlement.

I was constantly told how clever I was, how successful i was going to be etc. Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather that than be told I was a worthless piece of shit. But it did leave me, for some time after I graduated university, with a sense of entitlement and a sense that I didn't have to work too hard for things. Which led to me coasting at various times. I have missed opportunities in life through thinking "don't need to do that, its below me". Sounds shit, but its true. Have never really been on my uppers and am very lucky in many respects, but I had some difficult years and I think it was a wake-up call.

I think you have to strike a balance between making children feel loved and that they have the potential to be whoever they want to be, but also making it clear to them that they have to fight for this and that it won't always be plain sailing, and that they need grit and self-discipline to get through it. It's a tricky one.

Confidence comes from security. Make sure she knows and is frequently reminded that she is loved, that she is enough, that she is worth knowing. Don't give false praise, but when she makes mistakes or is naughty always, always reassure that you love her anyway.

Yeah, saying you are great all the time is not the way forward

I think kids get confidence from being “heard”, from you being genuinely interested in what they think. That sort of thing builds confidence imo: accepting who they are as a person (outgoing or shy, introverted or extroverted) and being interested

Why does it matter if she remains an introvert and/or shy with people? The important part of confidence is not how easily you chat to people but how secure you are in your own beliefs and values. Raise her to be thoughtful and caring, to have self-knowledge, to know what she believes in and to have the strength of character to stand up for her beliefs.

Praise effort, rather than ability eg "you must've worked really hard on that drawing" rather than "you're so good at drawing". If a kid is told they are naturally good at something then they won't see the need to work at it and won't learn how to try at new things or things they might not be so "naturally" good at.

Not having confidence can result in young people seriously under-achieving. It’s a key attribute in all successful people. I think it’s partly down to who you are but not having confidence can really hold someone back.

I don’t see it as advocating your own views. That might not be appropriate. In a work interview that would not help much. It’s having the confidence to converse, put your hand up, express your views when required and generally be sensitive to others. Over confidence is thinking you have all the answers!

They change.

Our now 9 year old was very much as you describe your daughter,to the extent that we withdrew her in year 1 and home edded for a few years, she then re-entered in yr 4. At 9 she will never be the loudest or most overtly confident, but she is self assured, knows who she is, is a loyal friend and always does her best. She will now do and try new things, speak to people she doesn't know (if she has to 😂) and is universally liked. I'm confident that as the years go on this will develop. Her teachers say that while she is on the quieter side, she is by no means lacking in confidence or whatever. Neither dh or i are extroverts.

I would say that being listened to, having their voices heard and unconditionally loved is very important. We've always encouraged interests, told them how capable they are of making their own decisions and doing good things, praised effort and held them accountable/let them know we have expectations and boundaries.

That's comforting to hear IndecentFeminist

I echo people up thread who say that love, security and GENUINELY being heard. Not just a parent asking questions, but actually hearing a childs opinions and seeing them a legitimate. I feel like a lot of childrens opinions get dismissed.

Be genuine when you give praise, without exaggerated 'That's amazing!' type statements. I really think this is important. Children know that you mean it when you are genuine and sound genuine. They then believe it themselves.

You are assuming that all.the power lies with the parents. unfortunately not always the case
. I have raised 4 kids
2 have a great deal of confidence
2 struggle with confidence
They were all loved, praised and supported
It's just who they are.
And they are fine as they are

Confidence doesn't look the same in all children either.
Personally, I think self-esteem is more valuable. Being comfortable with who you are.
My DD is not particularly out going, doesn't enjoy speaking up in class, has friends but doesn't consider herself popular - but, is happy with herself.

I think it’s temperamental and outside your control to a certain degree. That said I find that putting my kids in challenging situations, mostly outdoors, helps their confidence a lot. We do tough things as a family and if they’re feeling unsure about something I can say “hang on, aren’t you the girl who climbed xx peak” or whatever it may be. This has definitely helped in social settings too.

I think it’s temperamental and outside your control to a certain degree

^this. I'd be interested how to help naturally timid and easily worrying dc to be more confident. I believe that lack of confidence contributes to poor metal health

Watching with interest. My DS is a similar age and isn't so much shy as really sensitive. He is so easily hurt by others it breaks my heart. I'm trying to find ways to make him care less about what others think or say, but equally I don't want to change him.
In my experience confident adults don't tend to care too much what people think of them, they are just themselves in all situations.

I'm trying to find ways to make him care less about what others think or say, What do you say to make him care lesson what others do or say?

I also have a very sensitive dc. It's hard!

You cannot happily make a 'slow approach' child approach things quickly. It ends in tears.

I prefer the term 'slow approach' because 'shy' carries all sorts of baggage. And you can use language like, "I know it sometimes takes a while to warm up but that's OK".

I have a very confident child. Partly temperament, partly modelling, partly valuing the things that she has that help. So she has issues but she's very stalwart and stoic. So if there's something hard to do I can say, "this is hard to do but it's good that you're stoic" and she knows that about herself and lives up to it.

I tend to joke about some things and not others. Whining I say, with a completely exaggerated grimace, "OMG what's that noise, aarrgghhh my ears" and she laughs. Real tears get proper listening and empathy.

my lovely mum building us up any way she could/trying her hardest to give us as many opportunities as possible, which definitely helped.

You are spot on with this.
Agree with so many other posters too - praise and encouragement. Not false praise, but looking for what is worthy of praise.
Letting them see it is okay to make mistakes / get it wrong.
Encouragement to try things
Encouragement to persevere, but acceptance when they've given something a fair go and decide it isn't for them.
Encourage them to smile. Makes us all more approachable.
Take part in things - find their 'niche'.
Find things they are good at - whether it is sport or music or a different hobby, or being kind or telling jokes or anything, and encourage it.
Don't make 'school' everything.
Encourage them to have friends from different places whether you join a Church or a Mosque or a rambling group or a community garden, give them plenty of places to make friends from.

Letting them see it is okay to make mistakes / get it wrong.

One of my favourite phrases is "how can we fix this?" Spill a drink, play too rough, break something, hurt feelings, "how can we fix this?" DD very rarely gets 'told off' because by the time I would, she's already making it right and feeling really good about making it right. Win/win.

Building a secure attachment with your child/ren, based on unconditional love.