To ask how to raise confident DC

[Squirrelplay]

Curious as to what people consider essential to raising a confident child? My eldest DD is just four. She started preschool last September and four months in is still painfully shy with her classmates and reluctant at drop-offs.

I imagine some of it is her innate character, as her younger sister is quite the opposite and talks to everyone she meets/dives head first into new situations despite their upbringing being the same. But what environmental factors do you think can potentially influence confidence?

I fell somewhere in the middle as a child. I do remember feelings of inferiority though - our family were very much working class and my group of friends at school all came from comfortable middle class backgrounds, so I think that definitely had an impact on my confidence at the time. This was balanced by my lovely mum building us up any way she could/trying her hardest to give us as many opportunities as possible, which definitely helped. Though I'm certainly not overflowing with confidence today, I do try hard to be an assertive role model but she's an intuitive child and would be quick to pick up on my discomfort in certain social settings I'm sure.

Anyway I know being shy at this age is normal for many children, but am IBU to think there's anything I can do/should have done in the early years to help build up her confidence?

The people versus work

Very true. It's a tightrope and a clever child who gets things will need more than of this than a child who struggles!..

Different for each child and circumstances.

Mrs Terry that's a good idea tip.

They also need acceptance at school. It's no use parent trying to instil confidence if for whatever reason they are socially excluded at school. So do your best to make them fit in - teach how to get on with their peers, don't, for example, insist on making all their clothes, or keep them with a babyish hairstyle so they stick out like a sore thumb

Patience, praise, encouragement, patience, patience, patience And NEVER compare the to a more confident sibling/ friend/ cousin etc
Someone has to be the quiet genius... unfortunately that’s not often appreciated

I once saw a therapist who tried to blame my anxiety issues on my parents. I hated that for two reasons. One is that no parents are perfect and even if she was right, my parents didn't do it on purpose. My other issue is that my brother never worries about anything and we had the exact same upbringing. She said we didn't have the fame upbringing at all. As the eldest I had to do everything first, he followed sage in the knowledge I had done it first and I was there. Still not sure if I buy it but she certainly thought it was easier for him

That can go the other way though @kitk
IF you have a high achieving older sibling (be that sport, academics, anything), the younger one might not find it easy at all, but feel under a LOT of pressure to 'be just like high achieving sibling'

Being shy doesn't necessarily mean she won't have confidence. My eldest ds was very she, still is to some extent but all his teachers say he has a quiet confidence about him. He is 16 now and I still hear some of his yr 11 teachers say he is too quiet in class but the more experienced ones tell me this is nothing to worry about and they can see his confidence without hearing him if you get what I mean.
Just be there for her, reassure her and don't expect her to be something she isn't. Your confidence in her will make her confident.

One of mine was painfully shy, elder sibling did all the talking for her. It involved lots of reminding the sibling nicely to be bloody quite.

And the shy one, when out I didn't push her to do things outside her comfort zone. And when she did something I praised her, and so did siblings if around. It helped that the school was on board, so wouldn't pick her out unless she indicated she wanted to answer or whatever. Plays she was involved behind the scenes.

At home gave her the space to be herself, where she was like a different person entirely.

She came out of her shell in the middle of primary during a week residential.

As an adult, she can be introverted but also confident and doesn't take crap from people. By 19 she was a manager in a large company, and one of her passions is acting.

For me it's giving them experiences and taking them places constantly so that they are always meeting people and new things. You are their constant and reassurance but seeing the world differently and knowing their is nothing to be afraid of.

And the shy one, when out I didn't push her to do things outside her comfort zone.
I agree with this part totally, let her decide what and how much she is comfortable with.

I give a lot of praise/endearments that aren't achievement-focused, but more based on character traits/behaviours I hope to encourage. I really want to try and raise my children with more carrot and less stick (it was all stick for me!)

"You were really gentle with your sister there, I love that about you."

"That was really kind of you sweetheart. Come have a cuddle."

"I'm a bit sad that you did that, and please don't do it again, but I think it's really great of you to tell me the truth. I'm so proud of you for that."

It reads a bit cringey to me because it's such over-the-top flowery language compared to how I grew up, and my parents would have mocked these sorts of comments.

But crucially I think, every time I make them they are 100% genuine from the heart. I love my kids so much and I never want them to have any doubt of it. I hope by centering my praise around their behaviour and treating other people well - it might dampen that entitled/arrogant effect you sometimes see, whilst still building their confidence.

I think it is more nature than nurture. I have one child who is a complete extrovert, another who is extremely cautious, reflective and dislikes a lot of social interaction, and one who is somewhere in between. My siblings and I were similar.
My parents spent a lot of my childhood trying to "cure" my shyness, largely by insisting that I did things that I really didn't want to do, such as go to parties and on trips, play with other chidren when we were on holiday etc. I believe they thought they were doing the right thing and that it would help me but all it did was make me upset and damage my self esteem.
It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I figured out that there is nothing wrong with me the way I am . I don't need fixing. Once I had realised that, I developed real self confidence, the kind that comes from being happy with who you are, not striving to please others.
My advice would be to show your DD that she is loved unconditionally. Let her know that more outgoing people are not better than her, just different. Of course support her and encourage her in things that she does want to do, even if it takes time for her to warm up, but don't push her into things that you think will be good for her, bring her out of herself etc if it is clear that she doesn't want to do them. Be patient and listen lots.
She may become more outgoing with time, but if she doesn't that's ok too. The world needs balance and all personality types have their strengths.

Responsibility. It shows you trust them.
It doesn't have to be big things, and definitely age appropriate, but knowing she is trusted definitely helps my shy and lacking in confidence 8yo.

I think we could change our environments to make it easier for the less confident/introverts/sensitives to thrive. There is nothing wrong with those traits but they are expected to live in a world that doesn’t appreciate them. Ensuring that they feel secure, loved and raised in an environment where they are able to explore what they are good at will set them up well for later life.
What you don’t want is someone overly encouraged to be confident throughout their childhood so by the time they are an adult they haven’t a clue who they really are. That’s what causes mental health issues.

Lots.of love and encouragement and always been a safe place and someone they can talk to.

Although they do change. I have not/ girl twins who are nearly 18. As young children she was a total ball of fire and he was scared of his own shadow. She is still confident but not so nuts, he has really grown into himself, confident, funny, talks to anyone etc. So what they are as little ones can change dramatically

Roots and wings.

Secure attachment and the absolute certainty that you have their back, whilst allowing them as much age appropriate independence as possible. Children have to be given the chance to do things for themselves to develop genuine self esteem - praise is nice but superficial.

Set your child up in situations where they can succeed - knowing how capable they are is the absolute best confidence builder. Make sure they know through lived experience that you'll dust them if and give them a hug and no judgement if they make mistakes / fail but encourage them to try again. Let them see you making mistakes, struggling with things, owning it, dusting yourself off and trying again, so they won't be afraid to make mistakes and will have a role model for resilience.

As young children she was a total ball of fire and he was scared of his own shadow. Minx, do you remember when your dc started to change? How did you deal with your dc's timidness?

For mine it was sport, her older sibling was confident so I knew it was personality. There were a few other extra curriculum activities

Now as an adult she herself has said for many reasons the sport helped build her confidence

I have an extremely confident eldest child and shy youngest. As my youngest grew up, I got to learn that what I took as shyness was more a more thoughtful personality.My eldest always liked to be first for everything. She jumps into things and then assess the situation. My youngest likes to assess the situation before jumping. He has an incredible analytical mind and when he appears quiet and withdrawn, he is actually evaluating the situation and will act after making decisions on whether it is safe to do so or not.

He does naturally lack confidence, but has got so much better over time. This was through talking to him a lot, never pushing him, and allowing him to self-analysis his abilities and learning that he has to face difficult situations rather than avoiding them, which will give him the chance to realise that he is much more capable than he thought.

He will never be confident as his sister, but he has learnt not to face what makes him anxious. He knows that how he feels is a representation of his insecurities rather than actual dangers. He is now 18 and is doing as well as his eldest did at the same age.

Responsibility. It shows you trust them.
It doesn't have to be big things, and definitely age appropriate, but knowing she is trusted definitely helps my shy and lacking in confidence 8yo. Around can you give examples?

Confidence doesn't necessarily manifest itself as being overly loud and talkative. In my experience, the loudest person in the room is often the most insecure as well.

In terms of your DD, it's still really early days. If she is just going to be a quiet person, accept that about her, don't try to change it because that will do her confidence more harm than good.

Practice, practice. I don’t mean changing temperament, but I mean things like saying what drink you want in a restaurant or asking where the toilets are. Me and one of my brothers were shy when small and didn’t like doing those things. Helping your kid practice with phrases like ‘I’d like a lemonade please’ might help.

I think it can be extended to talking to people too. Giving them a few phrases to say when a relative asks them about how school is etc can be helpful. I mean - fair enough not to push them into social situations if they don’t like it or are distressed, but helping them gently by giving some suggestions might make it easier?

.....I raised a confident kid. Did everything I was supposed to, or so I thought at the time. Love, praise and encouragement etc. He was my only child. Note the past tense. At 21 he walked away from my life. I am not in contact. I am heartbroken. Truly devastated. I have no idea what I would do if I had my time again... all I'm saying is that too much confidence gives them a narcissistic trait and they will walk out of your life when you no longer serve a purpose. Be careful. x

A loving stable home.

Instilling the idea that mistakes are an opportunity to learn, everyone makes them and it's no biggie.

Listen attentively when they talk. Let them have their say.

Have patience.

Don't shout/scream or hit them.

Laugh with them not at them.

Give them age appropriate choices (you can wear the red shorts or the blue shorts, which do you choose?).

Lead by example.

As PP have said, children can change hugely between childhood and adult. They can also change between primary and secondary school - a confident, outgoing 10-year-old can have all the stuffing knocked out of them by secondary school. I'm wondering how much of the advice on this thread is from people who have successfully raised confident adults?