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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what I should do?

28 replies

CupidIsFired · 09/01/2020 19:40

A guy I went on a few dates with a few years ago messaged me today out of the blue asking how I was. He asked If I'm free at all could he take me for a drink. I've been single for 2 and a bit years now, so I agreed. He then replied with "tbh I have a free house for a few weeks, you could come round and chill and I can get some drinks in"

So my mind has now changed and I dont want to go. Although I've met him before I still dont really know much about him, and last time I saw him was maybe about 4 years ago, we have never slept together either. And I get the feeling that maybe this is what hes after. The initial invite out for drinks was nice and I was up for that.
A friend thinks I should go and just have some fun... sometimes I want to just have NSA fun as my situation right now doesn't have time for a relationship, but the other side of me is wanting to finally meet someone who actually wants to see me for me... not just for sex.
My friend says this is old fashioned and and guys nowadays mostly only want one thing, sometimes that will turn into something more.

But I always get put off a guy when he suggests a date in their car or their house, especially when we dont know much about each other. But friend reckons IBU because I went on a few dates with him years ago so normal standards of dating dont apply Hmm

Is that right? Am I being too paranoid or "fussy"
It just seems any guy that has shown interest in me always seems to wanna go for a "drive" or in their house.... this is why I've been on hardly any dates and probably why I'm still single...

Also, I'm happy being single. As much as it would be nice to meet someone, my last relationship ended up being a complete lie and wasted time so I dont want to waste any more time. Lol

Also to add, the last time we dated I decided to go work abroad so wasnt worth continuing anything and wasting each others time.

OP posts:
Washinglinewench29 · 09/01/2020 19:42

How does he have a free house? Does he have a family at home or is he still single. I wouldn't bother seems like an opportunist move.

cybergran · 09/01/2020 19:46

if you fancy a shag, then meet him..
if you don't fancy a shag, then don't meet him...

of course that's all he wants. he is hardly going to wait all this time and suddenly realise he cares is he..

it could develop into something else, but then again it may not.

its absolutely fine for you to use him for sex as well, but don't get upset afterwards when you realise that's all it is.

remember if you do just have sex for the sake of it, you have to live with that... some people have no issues with that, others struggle with it

ohwheniknow · 09/01/2020 19:46

Why are you giving your "friend's" view so much more weight? I agreed with your initial reaction, personally.

If all someone is interested in is sex, you'd still be single. And if that's not what you want, then probably single and unhappy at being used.

Listen to your own instincts and tell your friend to stop trying to undermine you.

But friend reckons IBU because I went on a few dates with him years ago so normal standards of dating dont apply

Does your friend always talk such bullshit?

StoneofDestiny · 09/01/2020 19:47

Sounds lonely and trying to relieve his boredom - very unattractive date offer imo

Original poster
CupidIsFired · 09/01/2020 19:48

@Washinglinewench29 well last time we went on a date he said he was living with his parents, so I assumed that was still the case when he said he had a free house. Which also makes me feel more uncomfortable as it's not his own house. I dont know why.

OP posts:
Original poster
CupidIsFired · 09/01/2020 19:56

@ohwheniknow because sometimes I worry that I'm setting my standards too high and I am too picky now , at least that's what I've been told before. I've not had much luck with guys tbh, so that's why I'm like this. But with the likes of tinder and pof making it so easy for guys to meet many, then I sometimes wonder if my friend is right and I need to stop being like this and "roll with the times". I tried tinder once and hated it. I was happy with the whole NSA thing when I was younger. I think now I'm over that though.

OP posts:
Selfsettling3 · 09/01/2020 19:59

It sounds like your not up for what he is suggesting. If your not interested then don’t do it.

HollowTalk · 09/01/2020 20:02

You can't set your standards too high - it's impossible!

He wants sex. You want a relationship. He's still living at home, ffs. Just tell him to do one.

NSA is fine if you meet someone in a pub or club and decide to go home with them. Going to someone's house to shag them is completely different, in my opinion. He isn't even shifting his arse off the sofa, is he?!

PeachCupcake · 09/01/2020 20:06

I met up with an ex for NSA sex. Eight years ago now. We’ve been married for 5 years.

Dita73 · 09/01/2020 20:07

Don’t go. He sounds like a right creep

Sparklfairy · 09/01/2020 20:11

Sorry but who has a date in someone's CAR?! Did I read that right?

Plumbus · 09/01/2020 20:13

if you fancy a shag, then meet him..
if you don't fancy a shag, then don't meet him...

Pretty much.

Also, how old is he that he's still living with his parents and is excited by a 'free house'?

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 09/01/2020 20:14

Doesn't sound like you really want a random shag and you definitely shouldn't settle for that under the allusion it's all you can get. What does he even mean "free house" I haven't heard of that since I was about 17!

bridgetreilly · 09/01/2020 20:16

Just say no, you'd rather go out for a drink. You'll meet him X place at whatever time.

HollowTalk · 09/01/2020 20:18

I feel for people nowadays - some men are so fucking lazy. It's like dial a bloody pizza or something, but a willing woman will come round for a shag. No date, no effort, nothing. It's so depressing.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 09/01/2020 20:20

Guys want to have dates in their car? That’s madness

Pipandmum · 09/01/2020 20:21

A date in a car?
Ok no I agree hes not going to make the effort to go out looks like hes just after a hook up.
Dont worry about having high standards - trust your instincts and give this guy a miss.
I met my husband through a dating agency. Not online - I was interviewed and in person by the agency and I spoke on the phone with any perspective dates before any meet ups. Maybe try that.

letsdolunch321 · 09/01/2020 20:21

He sounds a charmer, I wouldn't reply and I would block him.

Pipandmum · 09/01/2020 20:22

Prospective! Jeez my English!

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2020 20:22

If I were you I'd first be deciding if I wanted a relationship and if I wanted sex. Sounds like you want someone to want a relationship while thinking you don't have time for one. In which case a shag is fine if you are fine with NSA.

There are men out there who want a relationship, not just endless one night stands.

pelirocco123 · 09/01/2020 20:24

He probably has a list of women he was working his way through until one said yes
Sorry

Original poster
CupidIsFired · 09/01/2020 20:51

@Sparklfairy @Decidewhattobeandgobeit @Pipandmum yes... there have been 2 occasions where a guy has suggested "going for drive" on the first date. One said he'd pick me up and drive to a nearby town next to the sea and sit and talk Hmm
Another just suggest "a drive" to see where it takes us. Of course I said no to both and blocked both.

@MrsTerryPratchett I think my problem is that I'm so used to hearing bad stories, that because I'm unable to be so spontaneous (have a DD, her DF disappeared with no warning while pregnant) and I have "baggage" as many have referred to me that I'm fully expecting to be let down, played etc. So if a guy came along and seemed decent then I would make time for him... but im worried about making time for the wrong people, and wasting it. I work with a guy who always says it's a "big ask" for a guy to take on a woman with a child. Even though I'm finally stable and I dont want a "daddy" for my child. Hes also part of what's made me paranoid and scared to actually let myself get involved.

I dont want to be messed about anymore.

OP posts:
FranticToddlerMum · 09/01/2020 20:52

Yuck don't lower yourself to this. I agree with a PP he probably sent that text to loads of women. HE sounds like a 15 year old!

Jupiters · 09/01/2020 21:22

if you fancy a shag, then meet him..
if you don't fancy a shag, then don't meet him
Basically this. He's looking for sex. If that's what you want then go for it, if not then decline.

Henrysmycat · 09/01/2020 21:39

You need new friends. Never in my life have read such misogynistic, rubbish views from “friends”.
If guys want only 1 thing, you don’t have to comply to what they want. You do YOU. You please YOU, you set your OWN standards. If that means spending time alone that’s fine. Trust me, there are men that want more than sex and a fucktoy.
I’ve had very high standards and I had big dreams for someone with my background and still did got what I wanted and not what I should have.
Only do what makes you feel good and I don’t think the one texting you is. That’s MHO.