Sorry, this will probably turn into a long post
Backstory... When I was @5 years old my parents and mom's parents had a big argument as a result GP moved away. My parents went to work during the day and I was left alone to go to school/get back, take care of my younger brother and also take care of the chickens, do the dishes and basic cooking on the gas stove as in boiling eggs ( country side in another country if makes any difference)
My dad would beat me if I would forget to collect the chicken eggs, if I would break a plate when doing the dishes, if I was misspelling a word when doing my homework. He took all my dolls one year ( I remember I received a doll each from grandma and my aunt for my birthday, so I only had them for a few months) and set them on fire and made me watch because I didn't tidy up my playing space.
If I talked to mum's parents he would beat me.
When I was @10 my grandma ( dad's mom ) died. Me and my brother were moved with my grandpa in the city so he won't be alone after grandma died.
My parents would have us over weekend. My dad would pick us up Friday after he finished work ( he worked in the city) and dropped us back on Monday morning before school started.
He didn't had the opportunity to beat me any more but then he started to abuse me verbally ... no one would like to be friends with a country girl, they only pretend to be your friends but they talk behind your back. My grades were never satisfactory for him (I was always in top 5 in class)
I slowly started gaining some weight but I was just slightly overweight. Dad started saying stuff like you look like a house/whale. No one would like you, you will end up an old maid, I am ashamed to talk next to you on the street.
When I was diagnosed with POS he laughed in my face and said now you will never have kids.
This go on until I was in high school when I finally confident in my friends about my weekly verbally abuse from dad ( he would lash out at me with all of the above mostly in the car or when alone) .
The few times I told my mum what dad did/said she would see it as an exaggeration or brush it of with the he only says/do so because he cares about you...and until I was @15 yrs old I very stupidly belived it and I was certain that it's my fault some how and I deserved what he was telling me.
That was until my friends told me that he is not right and what he does/says is very wrong.
I was grownup enough to say no to weekly visits back home to my parents, but I still had to spend my holidays there.
Since I moved in the city I contacted my mum's parents and had secret meetings untill dad realised that it's better to let me see/talk to them than me meeting them in secret. I was crap at lying and he and grandpa figure it out. A year or so after that my mom started talking to them - as she wasn't allowed either)
@18 I was at mom's parents when I found out she had a lover. That summer we went all to the sea side -me and my parents and mom's lover and his wife ( sounds like a movie scenario ) ...anyway holiday over, I went back to grandpa and mom,dad and my brother country home.
Next day I got a call from mom, dad beat her up (obviously he figure it out about the affair). I went straight away to the country side and things sort of got out of control when dad got back home from work. I can't remember what exactly but somewhere on the line that I talked back on one of his remarks ( I would usually bow my head down and/or start crying ) and he got upset and said how do I dare to talk back to him after all he has done/sacrificed for me/us. I just let it all out, told him he ruined my childhood, he would always put me down,never happy, never encouraging me, always beatings and insults. I have never seen his so angry in my life. He just lashed at me, slaped me knocking me down on the sofa, and then he kept hitting me. I was pushing him with my legs, and my mom and brother pulling him and we barely managed to get him to stop hitting me. We locked ourself in the living room and spend the night there me, my mom and my brother. Me and mom left the next day ( me to my grandpa and her to her parents)
She wanted divorce and dad initially agreed to it but then he started texting mom ... one message was him begging her to come back the next one threatening her that he will kill me and my brother so she can suffer before killing her and then take his own life. ( when he was @16 he stole his dad's car, had an accident, 2 were killed and he was in a coma for a few months ) and he was telling mom he killed before nothing will stop him doing so again.
...so yeah...mom got back to him.
I refused to talked to him or call him dad ...but mom begged me to be civil with him and talk and call him dad and basically pretend nothing bad ever happened for her sake.
Fast forward @26 years old. I moved to UK, got married and had kids
I talked to dad very very very rare and never more than a few sentences and most of the time I answer with yes/no/maybe. I call him dad but it's just an empty word for me.
He wasn't happy that I moved so far away from home (3h flight), not happy because I married an asian man (this after years of telling me I will die alone without anyone loving me, or having kids and somehow it become unfair for him not to have grandkids from me )
First time I went visiting after having my kids he told me I should had married someone there because my twins look dark (skin) ( to be fair I am european but we have asian ancestors somewhere down the line because me and my dad and his dad are a couple of shade darker than my mom and her family ...and my kids are maybe a shade darker than I am )
Dad called my kids slow and stupid for not walking until after their 1st birthday. My DS is a whimp and a mommy's boy because he likes cuddles. My DD is going to grow up fat like me because she is not skin and bones ( she is just average normal weight for her age). My DS needs a week alone with him ( dad) and he will make sure he will eat all his food or else he will be punished
Now ... my mom still doesn't understand thru what I have been when I was a child, she still tries to defend/find excuses for dad and even if at some point she did agree what he did was wrong she asked me to leave it in the past.
Dad retired last year and since then mom been nagging me to let the kids (3 and a half years old ) to live with them for the summer holidays. She would be at work and the kids alone with dad till she gets back home. Dad got depressed because retirement as he would have nothing to do ( early retirement as he has some health problems) and mom thinks having the kids there would be perfect to keep my dad occupied and insists that dad loves them so much and he misses them and so on.
I would never leave them alone with dad and I can't exactly tell mom I am not letting the kids there over the summer holidays because of him, because she won't understand besides she is adamant that he is a changed man and he loves them very much ( he told me that he needs a week alone to make my DS eat all his food just a few months ago)
Am I BU for not letting my kids spend the holidays alone with my dad?