DD, 11, thinks she has depression, I think prob not

[Echobelly]

I was given a clue to this a few weeks back when I saw (because DD uses my laptop and it turned up on recent searches when I clicked the google bar) that she had googled stuff about childline and mental health.

I had to tell her that I'd seen the searches but I didn't press her to tell me what the problem was, as I didn't want to seem like I was pushing her and I didn't want her to clam up, rather I'd prefer she came to me in her own time.

She finally sent me a short email today saying she think she's depressed. I've had a quick talk about it, but again, I have tried not to say too much and not to shut her down, although I honestly don't think it is depression. She can be anxious, like me at that age she cries a lot and easily, and she has some difficulty dropping off to sleep and waking up a bit early.

Overall she seems happy at her new school (in Y7) and is making friends. She's made a much better start to it than I did in terms of making friends, and I'll say that although I cried a lot at that age, I never felt hopeless, which from the experience of people close to me who have had depression, seems to me to be the thing that differentiates depression from being down/anxious etc. And DD doesn't seem in that state - I know people can mask depression and push on through it, but I'd be slightly surprised if an 11yo could.

She says she swings from feeling happy to hopeless, which might just be normal early adolescence. But there is a history of bipolar on my mum's side of the family so I'm not going to write that off as a possibility either.

I think she anxious, which is something she's had help with while at primary school, and having mood swings from hormones (she's been having cramps and I think may start periods soon), but I doubt depression. It feels like she's enjoying life on the whole and is mostly optimistic. She's aware there are limitations on looking things up on Google, but I don't want to just wave her off.

AIBU thinking she's not likely to be depressed?

My daughter was seen by CAMHS for depression at 11, there is a 4 generation strong family link to it. I wouldn’t rule it out, but either way if she views herself as depressed it needs addressing so worth a GP appointment to discuss options.

Very unreasonable, are you medically trained in mental health? She needs to see a GP.

Hey , I’m not a mum yet but I suffered from depression as a child and my parents brushed it off for a while (not saying you are , you seem really pro active), it’s just my parents told me that I was being influenced by things in the paper etc . It really affected me and I felt like nobody was listening and it made me worse . What I wish they’d done was sit down and ask me about what my feelings were. Maybe give her a journal and see if she can write things out seeing as she seems good at writing (with emailing you). And if you feel like there are signs you could take her to the dr or contact school and see what’s going off there ? I had friends but still got depressed . X x

She also masked her issues and downplayed them leading to issues with sleeping and eating.

I’d take her seriously and take her to GP. You make a lot of comparisons to you at her age, she’s her own person.

Thanks @itsemily - that's why I don't want to say anything. I think the reason she doesn't want to tell her dad is he tends to want to swoop in and try to 'solve' things.

I started today by asking why she thinks that and how she feels and said as little as possible while trying to be reassuring.

But OK, strong message is go to GP... I think I ought to let her know I will want to tell DH but also that I will tell him to back off and not say anything we've looked into this more.

She s asking you for help
Take her to gp

Your child has told you they think they have a medical problem. You need to go with her to the GP.

A lot of your post seems to be about your own experience. Her experience and mental health is not your own.

It's not normal to cry a lot at that age. She's trying to ask for help, I think you should get her that help.
YABU

YABU, it isn’t normal to be as upset as she is. Get her to the GP

It really doesn't matter whether you think she is depressed or not. Who are you to make or dismiss that as a diagnosis? Only she knows how she really feels and you need to make her a GP appt so she can get the support she needs (age appropriate and factoring in hormones etc).

Why are you comparing her to how you was?

You need to see a GP.

Please get her help. Everyone experiences depression differently. Good luck to you both. X

I would also consider consider the potential impact of her hormones very seriously if her menstural cycle has started, not sure from what you said, look up serve PMS. Definitely listen to her, if she's researching these throngs on her own she's definitely serious.

I had undiagnosed MH illness as a child & my gp made me an appointment with a child psychiatrist.
My parents cancelled it because of the 'stigma' (it was the 90s) & I suffered poor MH every day for years including depression & awful intrusive thoughts. Now it turns out I have schizoaffective disorder.
I never reached my full potential in life.

Don't brush off what your daughter is saying.
I felt suicidal at 9 for no good reason. Children can get depression at any age.
Please get her some help.

Thanks everyone. IWBBU if I started a thread and expected not to act on the outcome whatever it might be!

Why am I comparing her to how in was? Cause I guess it's one of those innate biases about how we see the world, so I appreciate that being picked up on. One can't always see the woods for the trees where one is standing.

Your DD:

1. Thinks she is depressed.
2. Has googled Childline and Mental Health.
3. Cries a lot.
4. Cries easily.
5. Has difficulty dropping off to sleep.
6. Is waking up a bit earlier.
7. She has told you she swings from feeling happy to feeling hopeless.

Combined with an history of Bi-polar disease in your family then I think YABVVU to not think she is depressed.

I have a family member with severe depression and the MH team were going to discharge them and I'm fairly sure it was because they could raise the odd smile. If didn't stop them feeling that everything was hopeless and they couldn't see a way forward.

I think you need to see a GP but also try talking a big more to find out more about how your DD feels.

Some parents have lost their children to suicide and had no idea that they were depressed. Don't be one of those parents.

I think you should take her to the GP too - it’s brave of her to come forward and she’s obviously been trying to seek help online.
Comparisons with how you felt at that age are irrelevant. It may be usual adolescence stuff but if it’s not, then early intervention is key

Also echoing something someone else has said above (although I do have two children) I have had depression most my life on and off and my parents, particularly my mum, brushed it off when I was a teen esp, I self harmed and her reaction to that was just anger and said I was doing it for attention. (I do actually have a fine relationship with my parents and much better since having children,I'm in my 30's)

By no means I'm saying you're brushing it off but just be very aware of your reaction to it, My parents reaction to it, no just the brushing off but more not discussing it, not seeing importance of it, not taking time to sit down with me because they wanted to actually discuss it, has effected me my whole adult life and still upsets me if I think about it. I'd love for them to have come into my room, hugged me and said something like "we love you, tell us how you're feeling and we can try work together to help".
I don't know if they thought I would come to them if I needed it but I was Young, emotional, mentally drained, I just couldn't. Your daughter had the strength to email you how she was feeling which I think is amazing for an 11 year old, I would now do everything you can to help her, it may not be, it may be anxiety, it may be both, but don't let her think you're belittling her feelings (which I'm sure you're not! But I can remember how me as a pre teen thought!! Hormones!)

Please don't brush it off. My parents thought I was "pretending" when I told them around 11 years old that there was something wrong with me. I have been unhappy for so many years. Please please take her seriously.

The diagnosis is irrelevant (and I assume you're not qualified to give one). She is telling you how she feels and that needs to be taken seriously. You've already created the conditions for her to open up which is great.

I am surprised you don't think it is possible for an 11year to mask feelings. We learn to do it very early on - adapting behaviour to get the response that keeps us safe is a basic human response. If your daughter senses those around her need her to be fine in her new school (for example) she may well fake it until she makes it - with new class mates, with teachers and perhaps even at home.

Unmanaged or extreme anxious responses can trip easily in to depression or at least low mood. Going to the GP or accessing CAMHS support through the school is a good first step. Best of luck and live to you all.

When your 19 year old tells the doctor he could quite easily kill himself you'd be worried. I was.
Depression doesn't just come over night.
SOMETHING IS WRONG...HELP HER

I think she’s being incredibly brave to tell you that she’s depressed OP, many wouldn’t....and how you react and behave to this could shape how she communicates with you for years to come, so just stop and think hard before kicking this into the long grass. I think with depression, parents fear the enormity and freak out and think “let’s just pretend it’s and age / phase thing” and it might melt away. Well it probably won’t. She’s needs counselling and therapy at the very least. Go to the GP with her and get support. If the wait list for therapy is huge and you can afford it, pay privately.
My DD is 18. Last year she was depressed. She didn’t tell me. I found out through other means that she was self harming, drinking and suicidal...I just couldn’t believe what i was hearing initially I was so shell shocked. She’s on the mend now, at Uni, studying, medicated and receiving therapy. But it was a scary time, it’s caused lasting trauma in the family fro which we are all gradually recovering. Her problem had become embedded OP, don’t let that happen. Don’t blame yourself but most certainly do everything within your power to help her.

No need to shout - I have said I am going to help her. I have admitted IWBU, and tbh if I'd given it 5 minutes thought before posting here after coming in from work I would have come to the same conclusion myself, of course i should be safe rather than sorry when it comes to her feelings.

But I totally understand why people feel strongly and it's useful to get the wakeup call about projecting my own experiences.

I don’t understand this hands off approach to your 11 year old child when she’s told you she thinks she’s depressed. If I found out one of mine (similar ages) was searching for stuff like this online I’d be taking them to the doctor and I’d definitely be talking to them about it!