DD, 11, thinks she has depression, I think prob not

[Echobelly]

I was given a clue to this a few weeks back when I saw (because DD uses my laptop and it turned up on recent searches when I clicked the google bar) that she had googled stuff about childline and mental health.

I had to tell her that I'd seen the searches but I didn't press her to tell me what the problem was, as I didn't want to seem like I was pushing her and I didn't want her to clam up, rather I'd prefer she came to me in her own time.

She finally sent me a short email today saying she think she's depressed. I've had a quick talk about it, but again, I have tried not to say too much and not to shut her down, although I honestly don't think it is depression. She can be anxious, like me at that age she cries a lot and easily, and she has some difficulty dropping off to sleep and waking up a bit early.

Overall she seems happy at her new school (in Y7) and is making friends. She's made a much better start to it than I did in terms of making friends, and I'll say that although I cried a lot at that age, I never felt hopeless, which from the experience of people close to me who have had depression, seems to me to be the thing that differentiates depression from being down/anxious etc. And DD doesn't seem in that state - I know people can mask depression and push on through it, but I'd be slightly surprised if an 11yo could.

She says she swings from feeling happy to hopeless, which might just be normal early adolescence. But there is a history of bipolar on my mum's side of the family so I'm not going to write that off as a possibility either.

I think she anxious, which is something she's had help with while at primary school, and having mood swings from hormones (she's been having cramps and I think may start periods soon), but I doubt depression. It feels like she's enjoying life on the whole and is mostly optimistic. She's aware there are limitations on looking things up on Google, but I don't want to just wave her off.

AIBU thinking she's not likely to be depressed?

Something like cahms would be beneficial. She’s possibly only telling you part of it, at 11 she’s probably well aware of your feelings too and not wanting to say too much incase she upsets you.
You’ve nothing to lose by taking her to the doctors but everything to lose if you don’t and you’ve misjudged it x

This has made me feel very emotional actually.
She’s trusting you and asking you for help.
Please help her. What a switched on daughter you have.

Just to say that just because someone is superficially cheery and chatty doesn’t mean they’re not depressed. I honestly hadn’t a clue about my DD. We’d just been on holiday, she seemed fine, she was eating quite well. I did notice that she had stopped caring about her appearance, was v withdrawn and unsociable and also just stopped showing interest in the rest of the family. They were red flags that I kind of brushed off as teeneageryness. Imagine my horror when I saw huge bruises on her legs from where she’d been striking herself, that she’d ideated how she’d end her life. I was utterly bereft and to this day, I struggle to process why she felt like this. Young people sadly lack experience and a point of reference that us oldies do. Because the negative feelings that they are experiencing are new, they can’t tell themselves, this is just a blip or bad patch, things will get better. My DD struggled to express her feelings. It’s very good that yours has and it’s even more impressive that she’s taken a few steps to try and help herself.

I’m a psychotherapist and I recommend you both go to your GP. CAMHS are good but they have long waiting lists and prioritise the most severe cases. There will probably be a young people’s counselling service near you, either through the school or a local project, and your GP should know.

It’s important to listen to what she’s saying: if she doesn’t have depression she’s concerned enough to be Googling it.

What I don’t understand is why you don’t want to tell DDs dad or your DH (are they same person)? Because you said one likes to “swoop in” and help and the other you were saying you’d have to tell him to “back off”
Surely extra family support would be a good thing? Too, wouldn’t you be upset if her dad hid medical information about your daughter from you? Or is there more to the story?

Even if her self diagnosis is the wrong diagnosis, the point is that she feels ‘wrong’ in herself enough that she is reaching out for help. Maybe that means she needs support for anxiety rather than depression but either way the gp should be your first port of call and listening to her the first step. Good luck

OP. A word of advice. It’s very important when you talk to your DD (sounds like you’re going to act 👍) to get the tone right. I’m sorry if this sounds patronising but a lot of depressed people convince themselves that they’re a time consuming, hassley burden on a busy family. This is really bad because at its worst, this feeling of being a burden or a pain in the neck or a another problem to add to the list, can lead to thoughts of suicide. “They’d be better off without me” “they’d be pleased to not have to worry about me anymore”. So be careful. Loving, calm concern is what is needed and a low key slight of hand....don’t go in guns blazing.

I had depression in my early teens and attempted suicide.
No one had a clue until I was in a hospital bed having overdosed because I was ‘bubbly/outgoing/had friends’ etc

Please do not brush this off.

If she is aware enough to google then get help for her ASAP

I suffered from depression at the age of 12, my mum took me to the gp but because the waiting list for any help were too long I was left to my own devices. This then developed into OCD which some days was crippling, couldn't leave the house without checking my shoes for dog muck, intrusive sexual thoughts about family members. It was horrendous and now 18 years later I don't have many memories of those 3 years because my mind has blanked them out. Depression is a very real possibility and you need to listen to your daughter and take her to the gp and let them decide whether she needs help or not. Please listen to her.

At age 11 I was self harming. I had a good group of friends, was achieving good grades in school and attended weekly activities. I had (and still have) a healthy relationship with my mum, however when I told her I was feeling depressed and wanted to see my GP she brushed it off and told me I’d be fine.

I think I was 15/16 when I took myself to the doctors, I went after school and claimed I was with friends to hide it from her. I was referred to CAMHS and eventually even had someone come to my school weekly to sit with me privately and have ‘catch ups’ (CBT, checking the diary I was told to keep, etc.) I was secretly self-medicating and drinking to try and help myself, I’d cry myself to sleep at night and seem right as rain to her the next morning.

I’m much better now, but I still wish I had her support during that time of my life. I think the best thing you could do would be to just ‘be there’. Take it at her pace, talk about her feelings, visit the doctor with her and things like that. It’s great that she knows she can talk to you.

@ImNotACuntYoureACunt - I didn't act when I saw the google searches because she wasn't willing to talk about it at the time and I didn't want to make her feel pushed so I let her know she could tell me when she wanted, and email if that was easier than talking. I felt it better she came to me when ready - and I didn't know if the google searches were for her or someone else (though obviously the former seemed more likely). So now she's come to me, and now I've posted here seen the reaction and just thought about it on my own, obviously I am going to make that GP appointment and have now discussed it with her, so I will call them tomorrow.

@PlanDeRaccordement - in our first discussion after the google thing she said she wasn't sure she could talk to dad about it. When I say he swoops in with solutions is not that I don't want him to be helpful, but sometimes he doesn't listen that well to what the problem is (and I appreciate I have come over here as not listening to the problem!) although I thought this was something he'd be OK with.

I told DD I would really need to tell DH about it and she was fine with and he agrees totally and I'm sure will be sensitive about it.

Talk to the school too! They need to be aware of how she's feeling and might even have a counsellor she can talk to

She doesn't think they have a counsellor, I asked her about that initially, but I should check with school.

OP - I'm not just going to repeat what others have said as I've read your replies & you've taken on board what has been suggested. Thank you for seeing she needs to see a GP.
I was ignored as a young child who had mental health issues & at almost 30 it has affected my life greatly. Keep being supportive & at least by taking her to see a professional you should in turn get support yourself on how to deal with it, whether it be depression or not, which will be useful.

Don’t feel bad for coming on here asking for help and advise . That’s what this forum is for, it’s for us to support each other . Take her to the GP and see what they say . Take care and ATB xx

Gosh, your post was asking for advice because you were worried but also trying to be pragmatic.

It is natural to compare your feelings at the same age, it's also normal to think that hormones could be playing a factor.

You've seen that she needs to see the GP and well done for taking that on board, it's exactly what you can in here for - no need for a bashing at all.

FWIW - I have a teen with several mental health disorders and looking back I felt exactly the same as them at the same age - what I didn't realise is that I was suffering too I just soldiered on and didn't ask for help.

So, when my teen wants to avoid certain lessons at school or is finding it difficult to get up in the morning, I find myself saying 'I was like this, it's normal' I then say 'but I was ill too'.

Good luck to you both.