struggling to get used to full time job

[Ceci03]

so I've moved to a new city, have a new job that's 9-5 every day. I'm finding it really hard. DS aged 11 just started a new school a few weeks before xmas. He's struggling too - struggling to make friends, and with the 'work'. He's been crying before and after school every day this week. It's just overwhelming for him as he went into year 7 and had previously been in a small primary school. Last night I came in and just the mess, and the dishes waiting to be done, and no food in, and wet washing waiting to be hung up, and the dog needing a walk, and ds crying about his homework (the teacher told them to take a photo of the homework on the board, but ds didn't have his phone - well the school say the policy is no phones on during the day so he didn't think he needed it). I've emailed the school to find out what the homework is - they have an online system but this homework is not up there. DS was crying again this morning, he was scared to go in. I dunno, I'm so tired today I'm falling asleep at my desk. I feel so alone, I dunno how I'm going to cope. I'm not coping!!! I'm just so tired when I get home from work, and then the jobs piling up. It's just ds and me. Anyone any advice. Be more organised - will have to make some lists at the weekend. Where is my free time though...! I miss working p/t. It just seems like I'm this hamster or cog in a wheel, going round and round. Commute is about 1.5 hours each way. It could be shorter but I seem to walk slower in the evenings especially! - it's walk-train-walk. Grateful for any of your stories how you manage it all. Feeling stupid that I'm finding it so hard. Sure thousands of women work full time. Feel like a failure. It's just so much. And being positive for ds is really hard. I feel like I'm failing him as well.

That sounds really tough, YANBU at all. You are both dealing with a lot there, new school, new home, long working day. Do not be hard on yourself at all. My DD really struggled when she started Y7 in September and that was going there with many friends from her primary. We had lots of tears over not knowing what homework was due etc. Let the school know your son is finding it hard, he should get extra support as well as a new starter. There are threads here on coping with FT work so search for them as they have loads of good tips. I hope things improve, I would say just make things as easy as possible on domestic side of things. When it gets lighter in evenings can son take dog for walk after school, can he get washing out, do some small things like that for payment?

thanks gottagetbetter - like your name btw! Am relieved your daughter found starting year 7 hard as well. The teachers have all been nice to him, but he sees them being 'strict' or 'cross' with other pupils and he's very scared of getting in trouble. He's just not used to it. Like he got confused when the teacher said his user name was the first 4 letters of his surname, plus the first letter of his firstname, and he couldn't get it to work - he thought he meant the first 4 letters of both names, and the teacher said didn't he know how to spell his own name, and all the children laughed. I don't think they realise how young they are. DS has been very sheltered I suppose - easy going small primary school where he knew everyone, and the teachers were very 'nice'. Yeah I need to get organised. I'm stressed and he's stressed and we just want to chill out, but then there's so much to do all the time. thx

It is a huge change from primary to secondary, very stressful and it has taken my DD a full term to feel a bit settled and she sometimes still really does not want to go. The IT side of things, log-ins etc was a complete nightmare so I definitely get that. But 4 months in things are a lot better so I really hope things get better for him, but do involve the school with saying he needs support.

Y7 is a big change. People can't do everything. Don't be too hard on yourself. Can you afford to pay a cleaner? Do Internet food shopping. Fish and chip shop Friday. Things that can save time. You are doing a good job.

One really big thing, if at all possible, is to prep tomorrow's dinner while washing up tonight after dinner. So it's much faster and easier to get that done when you both come in tired and hungry and stressed.

Peel veg, defrost frozen stuff, marinade meat, make a sauce to reheat.....lots can be done the evening before to short cut the following day. Things like a curry sauce, so you only need to reheat that and boil some rice - once the kettle is boiled and thrown into the rice, and the sauce is on a medium heat to get properly hot but not burn, you can even take a few minutes to tidy up, get changed, reassure DS about work and help him get started etc.

Have easy snacks in the fridge for when he gets in - food and a drink - so that he can decompress and refuel after school.

Can you meet year head to find out their expectations? As you joined mid-year, they may have explained it to parents at the start, but you don't know these things and it is a new school - you want to both be working on the same page for DS's sake. It sounds like the "no phones in school" but "take a photo of board for homework" don't quite match, so you need to understand their rules and expectations - to help DS to follow these and do what is needed. (That's the message you need to send to YH, you sound like you are in that space already yourself).

We wash clothes all week, and put them up to dry (clothes horse, outside line if dry, or tumble dryer) - but only fold at the weekend (while watching tv together). Dry clothes go into a clean clothes hamper in the kitchen until then so people can rummage if they need something urgently. (We also have a lot of clothes and spare set of uniform, to try and avoid a need for urgent rummaging - but there are times...).

And talk to DS and agree that some standards will slide for a few weeks while you get organised, and settle into the new life/house/school/job. He may need to step up a little to help out (clear his dishes etc). But you both need to get enough sleep, and decent food, to be able to get your new situation off to a good start - and start building from there to where you want it to be.

So maybe the dishes all need to go into the basin and counters wiped before you go out in the mornings, but you will only washup in the evenings with dinner things until everything settles a bit more. Can you use time on the train to do an online shop or other useful admin tasks? Or to take time for YOU to unwind - read a book, listen to music/podcast etc?

And reassure both of you (you in your head, DS explicitly) that yes, it is different and all change is hard, but it will settle down again so give yourselves a (mental) break to learn the new routines and expectations and standards. And also that it is not the end of the world - it is different - but can be good once you get settled back into what is your new routine and find a new normal.

Is it just the two of you? Otherwise you need to make sure all adults are pulling their weight.

I have a blackboard with a list, a cleaner, internet shop for groceries and only do one task before leaving the house each morning (e.g. put a wash on on the timer). Admin at lunchtime where possible. And accept that things are messy, albeit clean.

That does sound tough OP. It's all new to you both so it will take a while to get used to your new routine. Your commute on top of working full time will be draining and adding 3 hours to your day. Do you have the option of working closer?. I try to get as much done on a Sunday and batch cook for the week so I'm not sorting dinner out as well. Just get out what we are having in the morning to defrost and whack it in the microwave when home. It takes a bit of time on Sundays but quite satisfying knowing I haven't got to cook in the week but still have a home cooked meal.
Your DS will soon get used to the routine of the school. It's such a big transition from primary to secondary and very scary. I remember my DD in year 7 crying for the first few weeks saying 'don't send me back there, I want to be homeschooled' !. It was very distressing but she soon settled. Are there any clubs he could attend so he can mix and make friends?.
I do sympathise, I really do.

and here is your problem;

Commute is about 1.5 hours each way

3 hours gone each day, 15 hours a week. 60 Hours a month....

In the short term you need to batch cook, take a days holiday (or a day sick?? if you are tired and run down and don't do it regularly...) - What about a bike instead of walking, or would driving be quicker?

But ultimately you need to find a job-school-house in closer proximity. I suspect changing jobs is the easiest option of those.

I should add I have at one time commuted 1h15 each way - I found it not sustainable, and I didn't have kids at the time.... Right now I have a 5 minute commute and golly it leaves so much free time. I can drop one child off a school and get to work before 9, then work though until 6pm and be home at 6:05.

I was exhausted with a 1hr 45m commute, you can do useful things but it is not very stimulating physically. Make sure you eat a good lunch. Taking magnesium helped me with stress.

You need a decompress routine when you get in - ten min mini workout to switch gears.

I work for a kids organisation and it is well known that the transition from primary to secondary is a dauntng time for kids. Does the school have a buddy system where older kids look out for younger ones?

You just need systems/checklists for cooking, cleaning and shopping. Automate as much as you can -reminders etc.

I found getting an Alexa very helpful. She can do lists, verbal reminders, even add things to an Ocado shopping basket for you apparently. Quite fun for kids too as she has quizzes and jokes and stuff.

Try and have one chore free ('ish) day at the weekend - going out somewhere new - and one switch off treat evening a week - a film, easy meal type thing.

Oh poor you - it is just myself & DH - no kids yet and I find myself struggling with the messy house and things when i get home from work - it must be even harder with your son being so stressed out with school and everything to - I feel for you! - however I've picked up a few tricks and feel more free!

First question is can you afford to get a weekly or even every 2nd week cleaner in to help? Seeing as you are now working full time rather than part time now - you may not be able to budget for this (I know I can't afford it)

What I do is - make a lot of lists - I have a schedule Monday - Sunday and have small house jobs on it - example: monday i clean the bathroom, tuesday, we both do a 10minute blitz, put any clutter into a box to be sorted later (we go through this box once a week and either charity shop it/find a place for it or throw away), fluff cushions, put shoes and things away.. Wednesday a quick hoover.. and so on (am sure your son can help you)

over the weekend we batch cook - usually get up early and throw on a big pot of chili and make a few batches of soup (a curry or a pasta sauce - things like that) then some is frozen and some put in the fridge and then we aren't cooking in the evenings after work we just have to heat something up! gives back heaps of time

On a Saturday morning first thing we do a big hoover and steam the floors - take the bed sheets off and into the machine - then get fresh ones back on ! Then we are free for the rest of the day!

Daily - we have a rule that you always put shoes/coats/clothes away as soon as taken off when you enter the house and then it never really gets that messy - and we never go to bed without getting the washing up done.

Maybe your son could walk the dog as soon as he gets in - it might be good for him to go for a walk and get some fresh air/clear his head before tackling his homework (You could both go - relieve a bit if stress)

If you have less to do in the evenings then maybe you would have time to sit with your son and help get him started with his homework?

My ds found year 7 really hard and we had lots of tears he's now year 11 and doing really well. Speak to school and see if you can have a meeting they may have ideas to help you ds make friends as they come across this every year with year 7. My ds main issue was in a large school not being able to find friends at breaks who he was not in class with as soon as I realized this and I told him to arrange a meeting place problem solved. Sometimes the solutions are easier than you think.

Can you use the train part of your commute to do such things as planning/shopping on line etc so this is not "wasted time"? I'm also for making life as easy as possible and cutting corners where I can to make life easier. I am also loving my new google home as I make sure everything is on my diary then I can ask it as I'm getting dressed to tell me my diary for the day and reminders. I can also add items to my shopping list which go to a list on my phone so whenever I'm popping into the shop (seems daily) I know exactly what we need. I meal plan once a week so I know each morning what to get out the freezer etc. and make use of my slow cooker/oven timer so I can prep when have time and its cooked when needed.

Get your DS to take charge of some of the basic routine jobs such as washing up/putting bins out (in exchange for cash helps) this will help you and help him take responsibility.

You are not alone every working mum I know feels like they are sinking at some point take a deep breath and remember you are doing a great job.

I think a lot of people in full-time work with a longer commute (1hr+ each way) are struggling op. Even the ones with family support and/or flexible employers, nevermind if you don't have it.

I don't have any new suggestions than those already offered (batch cooking is a life saver for me!) But when I hear stuff about worsening mental health rates and poor family bonds... Say on the radio, I think "duur". We're all working and commuting and catching up and homeworking so much that the "down time" of relaxing in the evening that I remember from my childhood is a pipedream... I honestly have no idea how modern family life is meant to literally provide any real time for just chilling out and enjoying each others company... Even weekends are spent catching up with all the life crap you can't fit into a work week

thanks so much everyone for the advice and good tips and support. I don't have any real-life friends to talk to at the moment - the people back "home" I don't want them to know I'm struggling so I always say its all great, as some were warning me not to move. Am trying to find another place to live atm too. I took this apartment to get near the school as you have to live in the catchment, but I didn't realise how long the commute would actually be in real-life. Its 20-25mins on the train which I thought was great (where I was used to be an hour at least on the train), but I didn't factor the walking to the stations at both ends. The apartment has no freezer and a teeny fridge which is making meal-planning a nightmare and I haven't gotten around to getting a microwave yet. Think that could be something I need to get at the weekend. It means I cant stock up too much on food in the fridge so I have to keep going to the shop, but yeah I can be a lot more organised. DD aged 16 hasn't moved and she went back after the xmas hols on Monday so I'm really missing her too, and realising how much she actually does round the house (!), and just little things, like talking to ds, I miss our chats too. Anyway, thanks, I have a plan for tonight - shamefully left the dishes from last night til the morning, and they are still there waiting for me. Mite see if I could get a dog walker, at least the dog wouldn't be so crazy when I got home then. I miss working part-time. And my boss here is ultra strict about days off, or late in. I ended up having to take a half day's leave before xmas to make up for a couple of late mornings - where ds was sick, and when I had to take him to the doc, and another morning where the trains were delayed and I was late - she said I needed to make up the time, but I didn't see how I could, so I asked her could I add it together and take a half day's leave to cover it. So I'm ultra anxious in the mornings about not being late, so probably am leaving an extra 15 mins in case of delays or ds having a melt-down. That's another day's story though. Thanks again everyone.

I think routine is key. Online shopping - order everything you need once or twice a week even, and then you don’t have to keep a load of stuff in. I’d do a Takeaway bought on your way home once a week for now whilst things settle down, eggs on toast, beans on toast, easy meals a couple of times a week too won’t hurt. Wash up straight away. Ds can dry and you can chat about the day whilst doing it. Homework straight away after tea and tidying. Then an hour or so of decompressing - Xbox, pc, reading, iPad, whatever - for ds and then bed. He will need more sleep than usual with the stress of high school. You get an hour to potter about or so alone then. Glass of wine ! Even twenty minutes to relax alone is great for your mental health. Get a dog walker coming in in the week and keep weekends as a nice time for you to maybe see your dd, go on long walks and catch up. Instead of it being a chore. It will only get easier. Nights will get lighter and warmer eventually and you can even treat yourselves to a nice walk and a drink after school and explore your new area and you will get into a good routine with your dd, time with her will be even more special.

Also - local Facebook groups are great for finding dog walkers, join your neighborhood one and ask. And does your ds school have any after school time for doing homework ? My nephews stay after school twice a week for an hour and get loads done. It seems to help being in the school environment as there are people to as re questions.

eggs on toast, beans on toast, easy meals a couple of times a week too won’t hurt

That's a good point I'd forgotten about.

Op, here midweek meals consists of a tin of tuna, however much a block of cheese you can break off (no washing up a knife ), bag of crisps & a handful of lettuce & tomatoes (prewashed and chopped from the night before and put into a tub). Eat with fork. Dinner in 5min and only a plate, tub and fork to wash up each. Add a slice of brown bread if hungry.

That type of "cold, little prep, little dishes" dinner is useful for when you know you have a rushed evening ahead e.g. late working Wednesdays or "do food shop on way home" nights or when people have sports or something.

It won't kill anyone to have a simple cold meal now and then!

(Tuna can be substituted for tin spam, tin ham, tinned salmon, sardines or whatever each week)

Be kind to yourself and tell you boy the same. You both have to adjust to admire difficult life, it's not going to happen immediately.

It's ok if the place is a mess by Thursday and it's not the end of the world of you don't have all the food you need. It's ok not to have done his homework if he didn't have the information to do it.

You will both adjust gradually until it becomes the norm. Of course working ft is never as nice as pt, but it won't seem as impossible as it is now. You'll get more organised, you'll remember things you are forgetting now. It will be ok, just remember to be nice to yourself rather than punish yourself.

A slow cooker is also useful (even easier with availability of supermarket prechopped veggies/ready made sauces etc)

Your boss doesn’t sound very nice. I think if you’re a working parent it’s so important to have an employer that understands. Trains are late, you get stuck in traffic, kids gets sick. That’s life. I think it’s petty to make you work extra time to cover genuine stuff like that- I couldn’t work for a employer that treated me like a child!

YANBU to feel stressed, it all sounds really hard. I agree that if you’re working full time you need to outsource whatever you can afford. I’m only 3 days but we have a cleaner, dog walker etc. If I run out of time to cook we keep some pasta sauce or
Pesto in the cupboard. Lower your standards and get some emergency noodles or something for when you run out of time! Online shop every week so you have fresh food/ bread/ milk.

Is part time work no longer an option? Give it more time but if it’s really not working, can you re-evaluate?

YANBU, it is stressful and lonely when you first move to a new place, and it’s just as hard to admit it to those back home.

Could you afford (and find the space for) an extra fridge or freezer? Just a small square one? That way you can do a good online shop and prepare meals quicker.
Have a google for easy and quick meals, and then write them on a chalkboard so you’ll know in advance if you need to pick anything extra up. Also on weekends maybe start teaching your DS how to make easy meals if he doesn’t know how and how to use the oven (probably not the hob just yet) job safely. He may find it a way to de-stress after school. I used to make salads, omelettes and pasta sauces after school for my sister and I to relieve my parents a bit.

You could maybe look at a different way of getting to work?
Maybe a folding bike for before and after the train? Or a little second hand moped which you could park at your first station?

Things will get easier as he settles in and you get used to your workmates. Good luck OP.

Lots of good suggestions here. I just wanted to add that it might be worth looking into a folding bike or electric scooter (stand on variety!) to cut down the travel time to and from the train.

Good luck.

Firstly Hats off to you for managing a difficult situation! Jacket potatoes with a different filling maybe ?( Cheese or Tuna/mayo Baked beans and so on) Can DS have a cooked meal at School Do you think .Sometimes its very hard to slot into a new routine and may feel less overwhelming in a few weeks time .

I really think the commute is the issue. You can't sustain that. I work full time but my commute is tiny which is the only way I can just about manage.

Would your manager let you start half an hour earlier and leave half an hour earlier so as to have more time in the eve? Also then if trains are late you won't be late-late.

Sounds like finding time for DS more important than tidying up or cooking. Just let the mess etc go for a bit. Maybe walk the dog with him, watch tv, play a game. He's only in Y7 maybe feeling pressure to be grown up?

Agree simplify food thing as much as poss. Buy that microwave. Cook quick food - noodles, soup, fish, pre chopped veg or salad. Leave the batch cooking/slow cooking idea until you're more on top of things. Fri night is def movie and pizza night here. Cook properly on a sat & sun to get two good nutritious family meals then it doesn't matter so much if weekdays are beans on toast.

Also is there a shop on your walk to the station where you can pick up extra bits on the way home?