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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ghost my new job

78 replies

Roux95 · 09/01/2020 01:44

NC for this one. I've recently taken a part time job in an admin after having a baby this year. I was desperate to regain a sense of self beyond being "just mum"

I found something part time that works for my family and was excited to bring in some extra money and socialise with others, I've found being a SAHM very isolating.

I did my first shift this week and it became apparent very quickly that the boss is a sleaze. He made a point of shadowing me the entire shift and was making inappropriate comments. I ended up having to stay late as he was distracting me from the tasks at hand, I believe this was deliberate.

He has also been texting me since the shift ended, asking me to work extra time when he's going to be in the building and inviting me on projects with him (which I made excuses for to get out of going)

We have met ONCE and he is doing all of this already.

Unfortunately due to abuse in my past I don't feel able to assert myself and my modus operandi has been to smile and awkwardly laugh it off which in hindsight I'm wondering whether he's misread that as me being flirtatious.

I don't feel able to confront him about the behaviour and continue working there so I'm considering ghosting the job and not turning up for my next shift.

He is the boss so there is nobody above him to complain to and honestly I wouldn't want the aggro even if there were.

AIBU to duck out without explanation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Roux95 · 09/01/2020 12:06

I have definitely haven't misinterpreted things, it is as clear as day.

He used the word "gorgeous" to address me more than he used my name and made comments about my presentation. My lips look soft etc.

He was encouraging me to slow down / take extended breaks from my work so we could chat which resulted in me getting home 2 hours late (I don't drive and rely on busses, it takes me 90 minutes to get to work one way)

I didn't feel able to assert myself then either, so this whole thing isn't suitable for somebody like me as I will end up being walked all over.

I don't just mean following me around to observe my work either, he was literally standing over me in my personal space. I had to squeeze past him to get past when I got up at several points when there should be no need, it's a large office. Tentatively putting his hand on my lower back as he passes.

He was telling me very personal information about his home life that no employer should be telling an employee, that he's divorcing his wife because he's so unappreciated etc and then asking about my home life.

He said whilst I was finishing up to leave that he can be "touchy feely"

He was then texting me late at night, initially thanking me for my work but then asking what im "upto" and trying to persuade me to accompany him on a business trip where my role isn't needed. It is a 3 hour drive away and he was due to stay over in a hotel. He wanted me to stay over at a hotel with him, unnecessarily.

I said i wouldn't be able to do that and cited my children as reasons, he then said he would pay for my childcare if I'd go with him, but bare in mind there would be no work for me to do there. My position is office based, he's there for a meeting. I'm not his EA/PA he already has one of those.

He has text me this morning asking how I am. Totally inappropriate behaviour and blurring the lines of professional conduct.

OP posts:
MoonlightBonnet · 09/01/2020 12:10

Just send a resignation email, saying that you aren’t comfortable with the working environment

MzHz · 09/01/2020 12:21

Block him now.

Absolutely resign effective immediately, email him and his PA and HR if they have one.

Cite the reasons as you don't feel the working environment is healthy or appropriate, that you don't appreciate Touchy Feely or overly pushy invitations to non essential overnight stays and that you won't be returning. If they can send the money they owe you for time worked and the P45 etc at their earliest convenience

What a total sleaze!

SJaneS48 · 09/01/2020 12:23

Please do forward a screen shot version of his texts to either HR or his direct line Manager along with your resignation. It’s important!

Sparklybaublefest · 09/01/2020 12:58

Well your update makes any replies kind of obvious, ditch the job

Original poster
Roux95 · 09/01/2020 13:24

I do have a partner who I've told all of this to, he has just said to me "try not to let it bother you, just go into work and do your work. Give it a few more days and see how you get on"

The money is helpful but I don't feel it's worth me being made to feel this uncomfortable.

If my own partner is so blase about it I don't expect the boss' colleagues and friends will take much notice given that they know and like him Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Roux95 · 09/01/2020 13:28

I'm visibly uncomfortable about going in and have explained thoroughly to DP why that is and yet this is the response I get from somebody who is supposed to be in my corner Confused

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 09/01/2020 13:40

Just email him back that his behavior is utterly unacceptable and you won’t be back. There are other jobs out there. You don’t have to put up with this.

ilovesooty · 09/01/2020 13:44

Yes thr update makes his behaviour clear. Resign in writing citing his unacceptable behaviour.

BeatriceTheBeast · 09/01/2020 13:45

Ew, ew, ew.

I would ghost too. I might email a very formal see ya later email, but no more.

youkiddingme · 09/01/2020 14:15

I'm with everyone who has said don't return but send a resignation e-mail.
I'm also not impressed with your DPs response.
Doesn't matter what the other people who work with him think. Many people accept low-level abuse from men as normal. Sadly, in terms of rate of occurrence it is. In terms of acceptability I don't believe so.
Do what is right for you.

NotHereToMakeFriends · 09/01/2020 14:17

Screenshot everything he sends you. Write a email to HR explaining the circumstances and attach the screenshots. Then block his number but don't delete the messages as you may need them later on.

You may get called back in to meet HR but don't let that deter you. I've had a fair amount of sleazy bosses so I'm used to the experience of reporting them.

milliefiori · 09/01/2020 14:21

I'd say something rather than ghost.

Dear Sleaze&Co,

I wish to inform you that 'I've decided not to continue employment with you as I wasn't comfortable this week with the work atmosphere or ethics.

Regards, Roux

Just that. Don't explain, apologise or enter discussion about it.

nowaypose · 09/01/2020 14:32

I ghosted a shit job years ago and I still have no regrets about it, I felt amazing afterwards- like a huge weight had been lifted. You have only done one shift and already hate it, just do what feels right.

BeatriceTheBeast · 09/01/2020 14:36

Weirdly, I've just remembered an admin job I had as a student. There was a young man there and on my first day he had to show me to the mail room. On the way he boasted about how he punched a woman in the face the previous year. I said "omg why?" and he said "because she was being cheeky". I told one of the managers, sort of in passing like omg can you believe he just said that sort of way, but then when I got home, I just thought, "I really don't want to and I don't need to, go back there tomorrow". So I called the temp agency and told them I wasn't going back and why.

Loopyloopy1 · 09/01/2020 14:51

I just read the full thread. I used to work with someone like this. He also tended to employ other men who were sleezy, too. He employed sleezy men and young women. I was also completely unable to assert myself and thought people would think I was overreacting. I wasn’t (this was pre me too). I should have left quickly and never looked back. A few minor things happened that - years later - I look back on and feel disgusted. But at the time, I pretended not to notice (being groped while drunk at the Christmas party - I pretended I didn’t know it was happening as I didn’t know how to say stop - and other things).

Leave, but I agree it would be better to say “this isn’t for me” in an email. Your partner - sorry if this offends anyone - is a man and is unlikely to have ever been on the receiving end of this kind of attention so he has no idea how uncomfortable it is. Tell him and be firm and say you’re done.

Don’t go back in, you’ll find another job. Good luck! (I would also be bad-mouthing him all over town like another PP suggested!)

I think this sort of thing is the everyday sexism women constantly put up with. But we shouldn’t have to anymore!

Loopyloopy1 · 09/01/2020 14:52

Yes to milliefiori’s letter!

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/01/2020 14:59

Why let your work record show you just leave without saying anything , that will go against you
Email company and then it’s on record

messolini9 · 09/01/2020 15:15

Why let your work record show you just leave without saying anything , that will go against you

There's no reason for this job to be detailed on OP's "work record" - nobody else needs to know she started there or subsequently left.

The bigger problem is her DP's attitude - also a 90 minute commute, one-way?! - it's not worth it.

OP - read this, & if you can access an assertiveness course, you will find these situations, (& lesser ones!) much easier to deal with - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/070437269X/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0/259-2509502-9622713?psc=1&pf_rd_p=e44592b5-e56d-44c2-a4f9-dbdc09b29395&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=vOWPY&pf_rd_r=WZZZC5QR8PHTS7WDJRG8&pd_rd_i=070437269X&pd_rd_w=tHhQA&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&refRID=WZZZC5QR8PHTS7WDJRG8&pd_rd_r=15b6f2e2-97f1-4b84-b9e9-c684d48d24bc

Apologies for the size of that link!

Some people are naturally more assertive than others. Some need to learn it. btw an entirely reasonable response to his invitations to overnight with him on an unnecessary 'work trip', or comments on your soft lips, or announcement that he is touchy-feeely is -
"piss off sleazeball, I don't want to hear any more of your nonsense".

MummyJasmin · 09/01/2020 15:22

Ew ew ew.

Cherrysoup · 09/01/2020 15:26

I would email as many people in the company as you can stating WHY you are not returning. If it's admin, just go to a temp agency. Then, if there are any issues at placements, you tell the agency who won't hesitate to bring it up with the company.

Original poster
Roux95 · 09/01/2020 16:02

I definitely need to work on being more assertive, it's a problem for me.

I'm also not impressed by DP's response and agree it's likely because he's a man and has never been on the receiving end of very much unwanted attention from a superior.

I'm due in tomorrow so I'll go with the majority suggestion to send an email and say I won't be back, and cite feeling uncomfortable

OP posts:
Loopyloopy1 · 09/01/2020 19:09

Good luck, OP! The right decision, I think!

I am definitely not assertive either. It’s really hard for some of us. (I wish I was more, though!)

Cocobean30 · 09/01/2020 19:30

I can’t believe your DH is telling you to go back. Mine would be furious and want to go in himself and tell my boss he’s a creep

myfuckingfreezer · 09/01/2020 19:32

I'm also not impressed by DP's response and agree it's likely because he's a man

Please don't dismiss that as 'being a man'. What your DP has done has shown you that he doesn't really care for your comfort or safety. What a lovely trait in a partner Sad