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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ghost my new job

78 replies

Roux95 · 09/01/2020 01:44

NC for this one. I've recently taken a part time job in an admin after having a baby this year. I was desperate to regain a sense of self beyond being "just mum"

I found something part time that works for my family and was excited to bring in some extra money and socialise with others, I've found being a SAHM very isolating.

I did my first shift this week and it became apparent very quickly that the boss is a sleaze. He made a point of shadowing me the entire shift and was making inappropriate comments. I ended up having to stay late as he was distracting me from the tasks at hand, I believe this was deliberate.

He has also been texting me since the shift ended, asking me to work extra time when he's going to be in the building and inviting me on projects with him (which I made excuses for to get out of going)

We have met ONCE and he is doing all of this already.

Unfortunately due to abuse in my past I don't feel able to assert myself and my modus operandi has been to smile and awkwardly laugh it off which in hindsight I'm wondering whether he's misread that as me being flirtatious.

I don't feel able to confront him about the behaviour and continue working there so I'm considering ghosting the job and not turning up for my next shift.

He is the boss so there is nobody above him to complain to and honestly I wouldn't want the aggro even if there were.

AIBU to duck out without explanation?

OP posts:
sall74 · 09/01/2020 06:36

Are you sure you're not misinterpreting or overreacting to the situation?

You said yourself you found being a SAHM very isolating so perhaps you're just a bit overwhelmed at suddenly finding yourself back in the ''real world''

TeachesOfPeaches · 09/01/2020 06:38

If you ghost them they will call you until they find you so perhaps send a resignation email.

gamerwidow · 09/01/2020 06:40

Don’t ghost them, apart from anything else they will have a duty of care to contact you to make sure you’re ok so you’re going to have to talk to them again anyway.
Just email them and say the job wasn’t for you if you’re worried about making a complaint.

MaggieAndHopey · 09/01/2020 06:41

Don't ghost them. Send an email at least to say why you won't be back.

Marnie76 · 09/01/2020 06:42

I would just email to say it’s not for you. You don’t need to worry about references in next job, you only did one shift!

TwiddleMuff · 09/01/2020 06:43

“Are you sure you're not misinterpreting or overreacting to the situation?”

She said he is a sleaze who was making inappropriate comments. SAHM or not, I’m sure she didn’t come down in the last shower.

YANBU, do whatever you need to do OP.

B0bbin · 09/01/2020 06:44

So sorry this has happened Flowers
What a scumbag (polite version) x

SJaneS48 · 09/01/2020 06:54

Just not turning up without an explanation is really unprofessional. If you have been placed by an agency they will remember that as will the people you’ve worked with. Why leave a bad impression when it takes five minutes to write a polite email to HR. I would also CC the recruitment agency in if you used one. That way, you come out of it clean and pervo’s behaviour is highlighted, double win!

Syncplug · 09/01/2020 06:55

As you've been there under a week you won't be bound by a long notice period, it would be less stressful for you to email them saying you aren't coming back, rather than ghost them and be worried about the phone ringing etc.

Serin · 09/01/2020 07:04

He knows where you live.
Last thing you want is him turning up on the doorstep.
Email to say it's not working out for you and you wont be returning.

Sumsuch · 09/01/2020 07:09

Agree w Borneo
Don't ghost

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/01/2020 07:17

I'd go in today, draft and email at your desk, then the very next comment/suggestion send it and walk out the door.

Equanimitas · 09/01/2020 07:34

Go in, at the first inappropriate comment say, quietly but firmly, that it is not acceptable and that you cannot stay if there is any repetition. If there is, send an email to everyone in the company explaining that you are leaving and why - and do it. You will be helping a lot of other people if you do that.

starfishmummy · 09/01/2020 07:42

You work one shift in a new job and you complain about being shadowed? Isn't that called being trained up?

IamTheAntiChrist · 09/01/2020 07:44

So you are going to allow him to force you out of your job are you?

NewName73 · 09/01/2020 07:48

If you are 100% sure that you are not misinterpreting his behaviour - and what you have described sounds like an attentive boss training up a new employee, apart from the inappropriate comments (what sort of comments)- then resign formally.

Do not ghost them. You will look unreliable and flaky and your professional reputation will be damaged.

Thescrewinthetuna · 09/01/2020 07:53

Go in, hand someone a letter saying you quit and leave. You don’t need to put the job down on your CV or anything.

PennyGold · 09/01/2020 07:55

I'd go in and make it clear that you weren't interested and mention a partner at home, he may think you're interested from what you said in your original post.
If his behaviour continued, then I'd leave and I'd make it very clear via an email to the whole company why you've left.

Sparklybaublefest · 09/01/2020 08:17

He may be trying to train you?
it would be better for him to be there at the same time as you?
and why cant you join him on a project?

Sparklybaublefest · 09/01/2020 08:18

you ended up having to stay late?
Perhaps he feels you need more training?

but if you dont want to do it you dont need mumsnet's approval

ilovesooty · 09/01/2020 08:23

What inappropriate comments did he make?

I wouldn't just not turn up, Were you employed directly or through an agency?

Sportsnight · 09/01/2020 08:35

Amazed at so many people querying if you’ve misunderstood basic human interaction Grin

Like many earlier posters I’d not go back, but I would tell them. You just give him reason to continue to contact you if you ghost.

pinboard · 09/01/2020 08:58

Given your background I'd not put yourself through the stress of being around someone who behaves questionably. Trust your gut instinct.

Don't ghost (they'll chase you).

So, either email from home saying 'not suitable'

OR go in today, prep your email (saying why), wait for the next incident of him behaving sleazily, and email your resignation citing WHY

Only you can know which feels more manageable to you.

Have some un-MumsNetty hugs from me ((()))
I've had similar, and it's beyond crap actually

SJaneS48 · 09/01/2020 10:19

If you genuinely believe his comments to be inappropriate then do detail these in an email to HR with your resignation so that his behaviour can be properly investigated - it’s important! It’s cost you this job and there may be a bigger picture involving other women that is unknown to the company. Again, do handle this all professionally, his behaviour according to your post has crossed a line - vanishing with no explanation won’t help the next woman and could have an impact on your hireability.

independentfriend · 09/01/2020 11:47

I'd go for emailing a letter of resignation, ending with something like "I trust payment for [date] will be made on [payday] and that you will post me my P45 in due course."

You may very well not get paid, but you've hinted about what you'll be talking to him about if he tries to contact you further.