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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this nursery Mum is a CF and a bit mean!

72 replies

Hmmmmminteresting · 08/01/2020 21:17

DD was 4 at the weekend, we had a party in a local attraction that cost £15 per child. For that reason we only invited 6 children, one being her nursery friend.
On the morning of the party, nursery friends mum text me to say her daughter would not be attending the party because she had been naughty and they threatened she wouldnt go as punishment and therefore needed to follow through.
Aside from the fact she is only 3 years old, I lost money and the place could have gone to another child if we were given more of a chance. Not to mention DD was gutted.
AIBU to think this mum was wrong to do this? Still seething now!

OP posts:

ChocolateTeapots1 · 08/01/2020 23:29

I'd be furious if I was you, it was also my daughters 4th birthday at the weekend too, not the sort of punishment I'd hand out to my daughter. It's also punishing the birthday child too with such a small party, I don't think the child's mum thought about it from your point of view. If my daughter was expecting one of her best friends to be there she'd be very upset at a no show.

I'd let the mum know you lost money and point out it also upset your child. She might think twice about doing it again.

PlumsInTheIcebox · 08/01/2020 23:33

She’s not a CF but she was foolish to use your DD’s party as a threat. I have a friend who frequently threatens something similar when her children are tantrumming, and although it’s never affected a party she has cancelled play dates and outings with us in order to follow through on the threat. She has used this technique multiple times and followed through on the threat but it doesn’t seem to have any effect in either changing the child’s behaviour or stopping them from doing it in the future.

Babyroobs · 08/01/2020 23:40

It's punishing the birthday child just as much as her child. I once had one of my ds's friends mum do exactly the same and I was cross as had lost money too.

MissPepper8 · 08/01/2020 23:50

I think it's a bit shit, I have a nearly 3 year old and he doesn't understand punishments. I can't see her angle on this one, she should of offered to pay but did she know how much you'd paid or about the event ect?

YANBU op

Lizzie0869 · 08/01/2020 23:52

YANBU. It was a ridiculous threat to have made in the first place, there were other sanctions they could have used for whatever the little girl was guilty of doing. It was wrong, because it penalised not just their DD but you and your DD, whose birthday party it was.

We all make ridiculous threats sometimes when frustrated with our DCs' behaviour. I know I've done that. But sometimes we need to admit to being wrong and back down, and this scenario is definitely one of those times. Because when it's a birthday party invite, it's the birthday child who is losing out, and also their parents, who have paid for your child to join in.

The moral here is, think before you give your child a threat.

BinkyandBunty · 08/01/2020 23:57

A 'friend' did this to my son when he only had 3 guests coming and we'd prepaid. My son was devastated and we never invited them to anything again.

I do think cancelling everyday playdates, sleepovers etc is different though. When my boys were younger there were days where their behaviour was just awful and I couldn't bring myself to take them places, both from mental exhaustion on my part and fear that they would behave terribly while out, so we postponed or cancelled.

I don't remember cancelling sleepovers in principle, if I felt they were being such shits that I could barely cope, I wouldn't want to inflict that on another parent!

darthbreakz · 09/01/2020 00:05

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable, but I would say let it go. She's a mum trying to do her best, you're a mum trying to do her best, there's more that unites you than divides you - what's to be gained by making someone feel bad for their parenting decisions, when probably all of us with kids have to battle that shit every day.

It's a pity, but she bought her a present and it sounds like an honest situation. My advice, if you choose to accept it, is to say fuckit and go get drunk with said mother.

Jossina · 09/01/2020 00:22

A three year old doesn't have the ability to connect their "naughtiness" from however many days ago with not going to a birthday party. So it was a pointless if it was for discipline.

Ishotmrburns · 09/01/2020 00:33

Whether or not it was a suitable punishment is not your place to judge, so I'd forget about that part. I'd just really pissed off that she'd cancelled the morning of the party and not said she would bring the £15 in for you on Monday. That's extremely rude. Definitely don't make any arrangements with her involving paid activities ever again.

MsTSwift · 09/01/2020 08:58

Actually very selfish of that mother. The message is “what’s going on in our family is terribly important and always come first and if that means others lose out we don’t care”. Wouldn’t get a second invite from us

BottleOfJameson · 09/01/2020 09:00

YANBU she shouldn't have threatened such a stupid punishment (for a start it will be too delayed to work on a 3 year old). It's very selfish of them to expect other people to be inconvenienced because they can't parent their own child without involving other random people.

MelroseHigginbottom · 09/01/2020 09:02

YABU I think it's refreshing to see parents following through and disciplining their children.

RightEarlobeBreath · 09/01/2020 09:17

YANBU. If she felt she had to follow out with her age inappropriate punishment, she should have offered to pay for the child’s place at the party.

Cohle · 09/01/2020 09:29

YANBU.

It's rude to impose a punishment on your child that effects other people. She'd made a commitment to you.

I'd have replied along the lines of "oh that's a shame, we had to pay per child and would have offered the spot to another friend. DD will be very disappointed".

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 09/01/2020 09:29

YANBU. Personally there are things that I would never take away from my children - a cuddle at bedtime, birthday or Christmas presents, a planned big event/treat (including birthday parties). They can lose computer time, pocket money (e.g. if they destroy something that costs me money to replace), have a time out or go to bed early.

VenusTiger · 09/01/2020 09:42

@ElfishBiatch have you heard that expression? No of course they're not!! Just that babies who do sleep well are labelled as "good" babies - I didn't invent the saying you know - I was explaining what the expression meant ffs!

Drum2018 · 09/01/2020 09:51

YABU I think it's refreshing to see parents following through and disciplining their children.

It's all very well to discipline your child but not at the financial expense of another person.

Lizzie0869 · 09/01/2020 10:08

Cancelling treats is a good way to discipline children, no one would dispute that. But it's not on if it negatively impacts on another family.

This sounds like the other mum made a rash threat without thinking it through and then thought she had to follow through on it. We've all done that at some point. In this instance, however, she should have backed down and thought of another suitable punishment, like docking pocket money (that's my standard consequence for my DDs.

Inappropriatefemale · 09/01/2020 10:10

Maybe there was another reason like a family matter etc and she told you a white lie as to not have to go into the real truth.

Straycatstrut · 09/01/2020 10:15

YANBU. You don't ruin a 3/4 year olds birthday party because your 3 year old was naughty. That kind of punishment won't work either -- aren't you supposed to punish them there and then so they make the connection?

My 3 year old was talking about his birthday party this morning and who he wants to invite - it's 7 months away! If his best friend didn't turn up he'd be absolutely gutted. If it was because of this reason I'd be getting the rage!

Lizzie0869 · 09/01/2020 10:15

A three year old doesn't have the ability to connect their "naughtiness" from however many days ago with not going to a birthday party. So it was a pointless if it was for discipline.

^And this too. At 3 years old, a time out are the most effective type of punishment. The child can then understand what they're being punished for, and then it's over with.

KarmaStar · 09/01/2020 12:02

Definitely tell her you lost fifteen pounds!

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