AIBU to think this nursery Mum is a CF and a bit mean!

[Hmmmmminteresting]

DD was 4 at the weekend, we had a party in a local attraction that cost £15 per child. For that reason we only invited 6 children, one being her nursery friend.
On the morning of the party, nursery friends mum text me to say her daughter would not be attending the party because she had been naughty and they threatened she wouldnt go as punishment and therefore needed to follow through.
Aside from the fact she is only 3 years old, I lost money and the place could have gone to another child if we were given more of a chance. Not to mention DD was gutted.
AIBU to think this mum was wrong to do this? Still seething now!

I’ve always said in the run up to parties that making your child miss someone else’s gathering as their punishment affects more than your child. The child who is missing their friend, the family who have catered/ paid for the activities.

Had this last year where ds was being an absolute little git and my friend messaged me saying is he gonna have to miss (her sons) party because of his behaviour? I said absolutely not, because that would upset the very few invited. But that ds would have other consequences for his actions. I stand by that as my two get older too

If this is the level of punishment for a 3 year old what will she do when she has a teenager to manage. Barely more than a toddler. Little ones need immediate cause and effect. Eg tantrum in shop equals no sweets bought tantrum at home equals 3 minutes on naughty step ext. It is unnecessary and cruel to take away what is a big important future day for a 3 year old. Whatever caused the bad behaviour it is long in the past by a 3 year old's standards by the time a party a couple of days later comes around. Disappointing for your daughter, annoying for you but very sad for the child.

Littlebean I was referring to the party my child missed as a punishment

Bloody hell what a horrible way to treat their child. Also unfair on the birthday child, and they've wasted your money.

It's crappy. There are plenty of ways to punish a child or implement sanctions that don't include negatively affecting other people.

A completely unnecessary punishment. Clearly the woman didn't think about the wasted money on her childs place or the birthday child's feelings.

So her child is naughty and your child gets punished. No. That is not on. She needs to think of a punishment for her child that doesn’t affect another child. She’s not really a CF, more a shit parent.

One way to look at it OP is that your £15 was spent when you booked the place for the child, and it doesn't make any difference whether the child was there or not. I get it seems a waste, and it's really annoying that you didn't have enough notice to quickly invite someone else, but the money is gone whatever.

It seems a very extreme punishment for a three year old, who really can't process the whole "You must/mustn't do this or you won't get that" adequately enough to respond appropriately. So excessively harsh for such a young child.

I see why she did it but I do think it's a bad sort of punishment really - as people have said it punishes the other child by depriving them of a friend (and it can also be a problem if parents have been rubbish about committing and you're worried not many kids will come).

I wouldn’t call her a CF as she’s not got anything out of it.

I do think she was thoughtless to threaten that as a punishment. Hopefully she’ll realise the error and not do that again.

I don’t use parties or playdate cancellations as consequences as it’s not fair on the other child.

@Littlebean0506 if you read further up the thread @Margotshypotheticaldog is talking about a situation relating to herself, not suggesting that in the OP's instance the party was at the house and lots of kids going.

Aside from that, FWIW, I would not have been allowed to go to a party when I was little if I had been naughty but to my recollection there's never been a time my parents had to follow through on that. They did when it came to going to a club after school when I was naughty. To be honest though I understand that it impacts the party child, I personally would use this punishment though not with a child so young. It would also depend upon the behaviour. If my child had exhibited really naughty behaviour sufficient to warrant them not attending then I wouldn't let them go if that were effectively to reward their behaviour/be inconsistent with my parenting i.e. if I had sent them to their room or grounded them but they had a party. I would, though, speak personally to the parent concerned and cover any lost money as a result which my child would need to do chores to cover - you can see I'm talking about a much older child not 3. It is a shame to the birthday child missing seeing their friend but parents do have to focus on their own child and the lessons they're teaching them. Plus to be fair in life sometimes other people's actions impact you where you don't deserve it so it's something the birthday child will need to deal with as an adult too however harsh that sounds

Very rude of her, she had already accepted your invitation. Hope she gave your DD the present she had planned to give her!

She shouldn't have threatened it as a potential consequence in the first place, IMO.

Very harsh for a 3 year old. I really don’t agree with cancelling plans already made with others as a punishment as it lets other people down too.

Aside from the fact she is only 3 years old, I lost money

You didn’t lose money. They money was spent whether she came or not. You aren’t out any extra money.

She should have not let her do have her own party. Very selfish behaviour, your poor dd x

This happened to one of my children . She only asked three children and we organised the date to accommodate two who went to their dads alternate weekends.
When I sent a reminder the day before , one parent forgot and went away for the weekend and the other one didn’t allow her child to come because of silly behaviour.
The only person who suffered in this instance was my child who didn’t have a lot of friends at the time and can be socially awkward. It was really upsetting for us both . I never could think of that mother in the same way again . It’s dreadful behaviour .

I should also say that this thread has made me consider whether or not even for an older child my approach would be correct

This happened at one of my DS's parties when he was 9. Limited number of children. I was really annoyed - not about the money but because it let my DS down who was look ing forward to having his friend at his party.

@AppleKatie the term 'good baby' is an expression regarding how well they sleep (how easy going they are to put down) and has nothing to do with behaviour or discipline.

Aside from the money, It punishes your child which might be worth pointing out

YANBU I would tell the mum that your daughter was disappointed as she was only allowed 6 friends to take. What a shitty thing to do.

What a horrible thing to do for a 3yo. The only lesson they’ve learnt is that their mum is a complete dick!

I agree with you OP, I think that woman was unreasonably mean to stop her little 3 year old from going to your DD's party. She would have been looking forward to it and your DD understandably would have been disappointed. Also, it was such short notice you didn't really have time to ask another child instead. Surely she knew you would have been charged (as that's how most places operate these days) so she could at least have offered to pay her place!

hopefully the mother has learned not to make dumb threats about the consequences of certain behaviour. I think she is totally reasonable to follow through with her consequence though.

@VenusTiger are babies who don’t sleep bad babies then?