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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off at ExH introducing new partner quickly to DD. AIBU?

36 replies

cloudbusting42 · 08/01/2020 19:03

Deep breath. First ever AIBU but I seriously need a sanity check.
ExH left me suddenly and unexpectedly 16 months ago. Just going through divorce stuff now. We split care of DD7 50/50 and co-parent fairly well.

We’ve both met new partners. I’ve been going slowly with the intro; DD met new DP about 9 months into our relationship and they get on well though have only met a few times. Overnights feel a long way off. I haven’t yet met his kids as we’re not sure the youngest is fully got his head around his parents’ separation yet. Plus their tricky divorce not yet finalised.

Anyway, DD comes home tonight with tales of going to the pantomime with Daddy, gf, and her son. Surprise to me. And how she ‘stayed in her bed all night when Daddy and gf were cuddled up in bed kissing because they’re in love’. She seems quite matter of fact about it.

I’ve been so careful and tentative about having a new person in our lives. But dickwad ExH just goes for it. I mean, DD seems OK with it, which is the really the only thing that matters but it’s hit a huge raw nerve for me.

I’m wondering whether my reaction is justified. Full disclosure: I’ve been feeling a bit frustrated at not meeting DP’s kids yet, and I’m not sure whether this is the real issue here.

Perspectives please. And this is REALLY testing my Dry January.

OP posts:
chipmunkcalling · 08/01/2020 19:11

First off, how long have they been together? If its not long then if be warey, my ex hadn't been with his current partner long before introducing them, I didn't even k ow about her till my ds said he'd spent the night at her mums house with the whole family.
Whereas my DF and I hadn't been together long when he met my ds, I was decent enough to let him know before we went public, and kept him updated every step of the way. YANBU to be miffed by it, but at the same time you have no control over who is isn your dd's life when she's with her dad.

Ellisandra · 08/01/2020 19:11

Well, you don’t even say how long they’ve been dating.

I actually don’t think the speed of introduction is the main issue - it’s the role in which someone is introduced.

A. Adults date, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t - this is my girlfriend

B. Meet your new mother

And to that, the child’s personality - mine, pretty relaxed. She met my XH’s girlfriend pretty quickly and was excited about it - they’re now married. She met my boyfriend after a longer period - and couldn’t care less when I split up with him.

You can wait a year and introduce badly, or wait 2 months and introduce badly.

Original poster
cloudbusting42 · 08/01/2020 19:20

Not sure how long they've been together. Maybe 6 months,.

chipmunk , that's the sting. I discussed any developments with my ex before anything progressed and now I'm finding this stuff out from DD.

I need to have a chat with him don't I? Need to know that the intros are being done responsibly.

OP posts:
ButtonandPickle19 · 08/01/2020 19:23

I’d say after 6 months dating that’s pretty responsible? I think you’re over reacting and actually have taken your new situation quite slowly, which maybe feels right for you and your new partner.

My ExP introduced his new gf to our DD after about 3 months dating and that didn’t feel rushed at all

Clangus00 · 08/01/2020 19:23

No you don’t need to have a chat with him.
How he has introduced his partner to his child is up to him.
As difficult as this must be for you, unless this woman is or becomes a danger to your child then it has nothing to do with you.
Sorry.

Isthisridix · 08/01/2020 19:26

6 months feels reasonable for an introduction, but have they moved straight from introduction to overnight stays?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/01/2020 19:27

I don't think you do need to have a chat with him. He's doing what he feels is right for him. You can't dictate otherwise. Did you tell him, or ask him about your new nf meeting your daughter.

As a courtesy he could have told you, but he certainly didn't need to get the go ahead from you. If he said he was going yo introduce her would you have said no?

I think the fact that you mention your bf's kids does show that you are a bit put out by this. Your ex's new gf has met HIS child, but you haven't met your partner's yet.

That's not your ex's fault.

Let it go. As you said, your daughter is fine and that should be the only concern. Kids tend not to give so much headspace to 'adult things'. Her dad didnt make a big deal, so it doesn't seem like a big deal. If YOU make an issue of it, then it becomes an issue.

Tombliwho · 08/01/2020 19:27

What Clangus said.
You chose to involve your ex in how you introduced your new partner. He isn't choosing the same. They've been together a while. It's not a big issue unless there is some actual risk to your child from this woman.

Drabarni · 08/01/2020 19:28

Aw, I think it's too soon. What happens if they split up, will it be a new partner every 6 months.
At least giving it a year or 18 months is putting the children first, not the adults genitals.

adaline · 08/01/2020 19:33

At least giving it a year or 18 months is putting the children first, not the adults genitals.

OP only waited nine months though.

Ellisandra · 08/01/2020 19:34

6 months!
That’s not that quick.

I don’t think you do have to involve each other in your lives and decisions any more. I didn’t tell my XH, he didn’t tell me. There was no problem at all with me finding out because my then 6yo came home and said excitedly, “guess what? Daddy’s got a new girlfriend!”. So I just said, “oooooh - that’s exciting!”

I certainly didn’t want to be running things by him, so I don’t expect it of him either.

As I said above, it’s less about time before introducing, and more about the way that it’s done, and the personality of the child.

chipmunkcalling · 08/01/2020 19:34

Unfortunately, sometimes men don't understand being curtious (crap at spelling sorry), which sucks, and 6 months isn't a bad amount of time at all. My partner met my son after 2 months, we've now been together 4 years and my son loves him to bits. You never know if it'll be a long term relationship or not.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/01/2020 19:36

Why would a year or 18 months change things? He could introduce them after 18 months and they could split up after that.

FattyCutty · 08/01/2020 19:37

I agree with what Clangus00 said.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 08/01/2020 19:38

OP and get partner can also split up...

YABU, what he does in his time is nothing to do with you, 6mo the is very much a reasonable time to introduce a new partner.

Considering your ExH only left 16 months ago and you’ve been in a relationship with your DP for 9 months, I’d hardly say you’ve got a leg to stand on Hmm

Whynosnowyet · 08/01/2020 19:39

Unfortunately not your business. All you can do is manage your relationship how you see fit and ex can do the same.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 08/01/2020 19:40

Sorry should have said your dd met your partner 9 month into the relationship, you must have starting dating your DP pretty soon after the split... so a similar time frame to that of your exH

WelcomeToShootingStars · 08/01/2020 19:41

Her father is every bit as much of her parent as you are, so it's really up to him how he chooses to introduce a new partner. 6 months is absolutely fine and you don't need to "have a chat" as you've admitted yourself your daughter is perfectly OK. Aside from that, it's not really your business.

Nicknacky · 08/01/2020 19:43

Did you speak to your ex about when your new boyfriend was to be introduced?

JasonPollack · 08/01/2020 19:43

None of your business. Six months is a completely reasonable timetable. Leave your ex be, you'll only come across as jealous, which I suspect you are. Sorry Flowers

Hercwasonaroll · 08/01/2020 19:43

6 months.... Hardly like he's known her 2 weeks and moved her in.

It's not up to you how or when he introduces new partners. He is her father and can decide for himself. Don't talk to him about introducing new partners... Its cringe worthy.

Nicknacky · 08/01/2020 19:43

Oh sorry, missed your second post.

Nicknacky · 08/01/2020 19:45

And what can you say now anyway. It’s done now.

thepeopleversuswork · 08/01/2020 19:45

I agree with Ellisandra I don’t think (within reason) the length of time before introduction is as important as the way the relationship is presented to the child. I think an early introduction can be ok as long as the new partner is not presented as a parent substitute and does not make unreasonable demands on the child and try to come between the child and parent.

I do think caution and tact and respect for the child are hugely important but I don’t think it’s necessarily something which you can achieve by setting an arbitrary time limit on.

For what it’s worth I don’t think six months is too early to introduce. Would be early to move her in.

heartsonacake · 08/01/2020 19:48

YABU. You get to choose when to introduce your new partner to your DD and he gets to do the same.

Each of you parents how you wish.