Pissed off at ExH introducing new partner quickly to DD. AIBU?

[cloudbusting42]

Deep breath. First ever AIBU but I seriously need a sanity check.
ExH left me suddenly and unexpectedly 16 months ago. Just going through divorce stuff now. We split care of DD7 50/50 and co-parent fairly well.

We’ve both met new partners. I’ve been going slowly with the intro; DD met new DP about 9 months into our relationship and they get on well though have only met a few times. Overnights feel a long way off. I haven’t yet met his kids as we’re not sure the youngest is fully got his head around his parents’ separation yet. Plus their tricky divorce not yet finalised.

Anyway, DD comes home tonight with tales of going to the pantomime with Daddy, gf, and her son. Surprise to me. And how she ‘stayed in her bed all night when Daddy and gf were cuddled up in bed kissing because they’re in love’. She seems quite matter of fact about it.

I’ve been so careful and tentative about having a new person in our lives. But dickwad ExH just goes for it. I mean, DD seems OK with it, which is the really the only thing that matters but it’s hit a huge raw nerve for me.

I’m wondering whether my reaction is justified. Full disclosure: I’ve been feeling a bit frustrated at not meeting DP’s kids yet, and I’m not sure whether this is the real issue here.

Perspectives please. And this is REALLY testing my Dry January.

The choices he makes in regards to the children when in his care are nothing to do with you. You don't need to have a chat with him at all, it's none of your business.

The thing is, every situation is different.

He could say, “I waited a total of 15 months after the split for my child to meet anyone, and then I introduced her to a woman that I’d known for 6 months. I feel that waiting 9 months before starting a relationship allowed me to move on from my old relationship.” Which all sounds quite reasonable.

What if he also said, “although my XW did wait 9 months, it was still only a year since our split - so I think it was a bit soon for my daughter to get her head round anyone new. Plus - she met this guy just 3 months after we split, so actually I think she might have rushed into it, and it might just be a rebound relationship. He’s in the middle of a tricky divorce too, so I just feel like she’s rushed into his unfinished business.”

If you’re frothing and thinking - that’s not how it is! - then that’s my point. The devil is in the detail.

In an ideal word he would have talked you, but he doesn't have to.
Your DD sounds like she is relaxed and comfortable and that is the most important thing.

No frothing here. I hear your unanimity - I have no say in this, should butt out, and work on my own, separate issues. Yes, ex's intro to overnights in 0-60 bugged me, particularly as DD still comes into our beds in the night. But she seems cool with it and quit proud of how she stayed in her own bed when gf stayed.

YABU. You have introduced your new partner to your child, your ex has done the same. As you are no longer together, whatever each of you do is really none of the other persons business. And you have said yourself that your child is fine with his "displays of affection" and declarations of "love" with his girlfriend. I have no idea if either relationship will last, although I believe taking a more cautious approach will probably be a better foundation for a long term partnership, than rushing into "blending" families, and could prove to be the first of several girlfriends that your child will meet, but that's of course just my opinion.

I would believe ANYTHING related to your child needs to be discussed before any action is taken. I don't think you are BU. So yes you do need to speak to him.

New relationships are big changes from a child perspective whether they are matter a fact about it or not. Other factors come into play when mummy has a new partner and daddy has a new partner. It's only fair to the child that the parents are working together and understanding the importance of roles in which they play in order to develop/encourage the child's healthy relationships towards the new partner. An I also believe 6 months is very early to introduce the child to something quite big!!
Trust me, if parents are being honest or working together then the child is affect so that includes ANY life changes, especially including new relationships.
Mum needs to know just like dad needs to know.

An introduction is one thing but seeing them in bed together could have been quite a shock. Your dd sounds really cool. In my experience men will do whatever they have to for sex. Even when their child is there. He was possibly thinking with his dick head rather than his daddy head. Thank goodness your child is ok and not upset.

You can not undo anything. They met. Your DC is fine. Different people, different approach.
I am sure the GF wants to be introduced soon. So you can discuss or say whatever is in your mind.

Don't really like the kissing and cuddling in bed thing as that's a bit 😕 around kids , but if they've been together at least 6 months then I don't really see your problem?

Also how the duck are they seeing a panto in the middle of a bloody pandemic that's what's unreasonable and the mixing of households ! X

This thread is from JANUARY Anna, did you search for this topic??
This is why it’s important that people choose decent people to breed with, because once you break up, you have zero control over how the other person parents the kid. New shags should be kept entirely separate from existing kids, just enjoy dating and don’t force your kids into having their parents new shags forced into their lives. This should not be new or controversial news.