She has been in a relationship with someone for a good few years. They have had their ups and downs but some of the things he has done have been a little odd and she has queried whether he is undiagnosed aspergers for a few different reasons. She has always said that although he can be thoughtless he isn't a bad person but lately has started to question this and was on tears over the phone last night feeling that she is losing her mind over small things. I don't know what to advise for her. The examples she gave me were
When they first moved in together he didn't realise that if he goes to get a drink or fetches himself something, it would be polite and nice to offer the same to her. They argued about this a lot. She admitted that he will often come into the room with something for himself and another for her but the one for her will be hidden up his sleeve or somewhere. He will start to eat whatever it is and will wait for her to say something and then take it out and say she is always on his case and he has done nothing wrong.
He plays football and watches football a lot. They don't spend a huge amount of time together and she has often said that she feels a low priority. If they plan a night together he will often turn round and say he is going to football and go out the door as though he is leaving when he isn't to provoke a reaction.
An ex of his has sent inappropriate messages on and off for a long time. I have seen screen shots of these and although he doesn't actively encourage it, he still replies to her. My friend feels he should not be in touch with her at all as her messages are often about their sex life and hinting that she would be up for more if he took the bait. He had a nickname for her which he still refers to her as and this nickname was about her skills in the bedroom. If his phone rings he will sometimes say "Oh that's just ex nickname" or will say he is just going to text ex nickname when of course it isn't her calling and he isn't texting her. Again all for a reaction. And then my friend gets told she is over reacting and being silly when she gets annoyed at him.
I feel that this behaviour is now actually quite sinister. Its like he enjoys riling her just to make her feel stupid afterwards and she deserves better. I told her so yesterday and she said he isn't a bad person. Just a thoughtless one with a skewed sense of humour. But I think he is harming her mental health and that this could be gaslighting. Can anyone tell me if it is and what I can do to advise her? Or if it isn't then tell me what it is instead