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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Expecting XH to stay at my house?

47 replies

RUSU92 · 08/01/2020 13:23

My XH works abroad, earning very good money (In the £100ks) in a tax haven. I’m self employed earning about £12k a year. He pays CMS rate maintenance as if he was at his old £50k job in UK, plus an extra £250, so decent money but nowhere near fair given his income. (However the country he’s working in doesn’t have a reciprocal maintenance agreement with the UK so if I rock the boat I may end up with nothing.)

He’s coming home for 10 days to see the DCs and has booked himself into a hotel for the duration.

When I go away somewhere he will stay at my house (FMH - he’s still on mortgage) with the DCs. I obviously change the beds, get food in for them while I’m away etc. and it means he can spend some decent time with them in the evenings, dinner time etc

AIBU to expect that for a couple of the 10 nights he’s back in the Uk he could stay at my house and let ME have the hotel, rather than him visiting us at the house and me cooking dinner for everyone then him swanning back off to his hotel for the night?

I’m not talking somewhere flash, the Holiday Inn in my local town is £50 a night and it would mean I get a couple of nights to myself and can potter round the shops, go to the cinema etc. My DP wouldn’t stay with me - he has his own house - it would just be me.

XH has said he’s happy to stay at the house and myself or DP can pay for a Hotel room for me, so essentially it would be me paying £50 a night for him to do some actual parenting. Meanwhile his hotel room would be empty. He has offered for me to stay there but it isn’t a convenient location, it’s just the cheapest one he could find.

Last time he came back I managed to wrestle two nights off him at this other Holiday Inn in the middle of nowhere, expecting me to sleep in his used sheets (luckily I changed it to the first two nights so at least I got a fresh bed!) and I ended up having to drive past my house to get anywhere useful!

AIBU to expect him to factor me in when he comes back, given that he doesn’t have a home for the DCs to stay in? (he won’t get a family room at a hotel for them all, which would be inconvenient for school anyway)

Kids are teens so no trouble really but it’s just the slog of being 100% responsible for them for weeks on end while he’s away, then expected to cater to him when he’s back too.

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 08/01/2020 13:32

I think it’s insane that he stays in your house!
He can spend time with his children without needing to be in your home.

Dacquoise · 08/01/2020 13:33

I think you are bashing your head up against a wall on this one. He doesn't see that he has any responsibility for parenting your children. After all the maintenance is to cover that isn't it?! Unfortunately some people aren't cut out to be parents and you can waste a lot of emotional energy trying to persuade them to be. It's not right but what can you do?

My suggestion would be to absent yourself when he comes to visit and do not provide meals. And as they are teenagers they can come to an arrangement between them about food or activities. You are making it very easy and convenient for him.

Original poster
RUSU92 · 08/01/2020 13:38

I think it’s insane that he stays in your house! He can spend time with his children without needing to be in your home.

He won’t though - he might take them out to eat once or twice. But otherwise he potters about driving here and there, visiting old friends, doing Very Important Jobs like checking on the stuff he has in storage and taking things to the tip.

Dacquoise I think you’ve nailed it - he isn’t emotionally capable of parenting which is why we divorced. To be fair when he lived close by and did his one night a week it was ok. But i feel totally taken advantage of since he moved away. I encouraged it as I knew it would set him up for retirement, but I did think I’d get some support when he came back.

You are making it very easy and convenient for him

He keeps his car in my garage and left a load of bedding here for me to wash for him when he moved out of his old place. I just feel like a mug!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/01/2020 13:50

What a waster OP.

God help you dealing with him.

He sounds very selfish.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/01/2020 13:51

Charge him storage for the car....

Whynosnowyet · 08/01/2020 13:52

Have them ready in the doorstep. Lock the door. Key in and ignore. Shout see you in 10 days to the dc...
Cf he is!!

user1493413286 · 08/01/2020 13:53

I’d be expecting him to take the children for those 10 days; I wouldn’t have him coming and going from my house and me running round making meals and doing the actual parenting.
Tell him to book a holiday house or air bnb for the week and the children will stay with him. Then he can do everything there for them.

NameChangeNugget · 08/01/2020 13:53

You have different priorities.

100k jobs don’t normally come without their stresses, so it’s about finding a balance. He should definitely be stepping up with his own children.

Your hotel idea however, is ridiculous

SandyY2K · 08/01/2020 13:54

left a load of bedding here for me to wash for him when he moved out of his old place.

Did you do the washing? If so...well that's crazy IMO.

I suppose it must be an amicable split for his car to still be in the garage though.

Why can't you stay with your DP?

Settlersofcatan · 08/01/2020 13:56

Why can't he get an Airbnb for himself and the kids?

jamaisjedors · 08/01/2020 13:56

If he won't stay over can you go out all say every day? Including all meal times?

Fix it up (in writing) beforehand so you can make plans and not be dependant on him turning up. And plan lots of fun things.

Do not get any food in.

If he takes the dc out for every meal, so be it.

Stevienickssleeves · 08/01/2020 13:58

He should take the kids for those nights, staying with him at the hotel!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/01/2020 13:59

Whatever about getting food in as normal I certainly wouldn't be cooking for him.
And yes, tell him you need the garage as you are going to rent it out as storage.

Original poster
RUSU92 · 08/01/2020 13:59

Thanks for the varied views. Even those who think my hotel idea is ridiculous! Voting says 80% IABU, but comments at least seem to understand why.

He is indeed very self centred and I’ve Ben banging my head against a wall with him for 20 years. I will suggest the airbnb idea for next time! I’d love to shut the door on him and palm the DCs off on him for the duration, but a day or two is enough for them - and for me!

Think I’ll definitely bugger off out for the night though, and won’t provide fucking dinner for them all before I go, like I usually do!

Got a night out on Friday, so may find myself out later than usual and he’ll wish I was the one staying in a hotel so he could go to bed!

OP posts:
Original poster
RUSU92 · 08/01/2020 14:01

Did you do the washing? If so...well that's crazy IMO. Not yet - I put it in the garage with his bloody car, planned to do it before he came back in the summer to stay at his caravan.

Can’t stay with DP as he has a small bed, due to giving his big room to his DCs when his ex’s mum moved in Grin. Fucked up even more than my situation!

OP posts:
Thehop · 08/01/2020 14:03

I’ve said you’re unreasonable because I think your idea is madness

BUT

I would expect him to book an air bnb or hotel suite and have them for a week.

Original poster
RUSU92 · 08/01/2020 14:03

And yes, I feel like it is amicable tbh - when he left to move abroad he was really upset, I gave him a hug and encouraged him, told him he didn’t need to worry about the DCs, that I’d make sure they’re ok. Generally it’s pretty friendly, but then something like this happens and it just shows that he really doesn’t give a shit about the predicament I’m in because he’s opted out of parenting.

OP posts:
Original poster
RUSU92 · 08/01/2020 14:05

I would expect him to book an air bnb or hotel suite and have them for a week.

Trouble is, that’s extra hassle for the DCs. They’d have to pack up all their stuff, computers/x box etc, school stuff, it would make hanging out with girlfriends/friends harder if they weren’t close by. It works fine when I go on holiday with DP. It’s just annoying that he won’t even consider it more than once a year, so essentially I only get one week a year when I’m not the sole parent in charge.

OP posts:
Wild123 · 08/01/2020 14:09

I think next time he arranges to come here you should book yourself a weeks holiday aboard and leave him to deal with the kids!

Original poster
RUSU92 · 08/01/2020 14:10

I think next time he arranges to come here you should book yourself a weeks holiday aboard and leave him to deal with the kids!

They are going out to visit him later in the year so I’ve got a holiday booked then. Maybe I should have stayed home and taken my holiday another time?!

OP posts:
Useful22 · 08/01/2020 14:11

Cant kids stay with him in holidays where he lives? Also I would keep the peace as it's best for your kids and good maintenance.

Useful22 · 08/01/2020 14:12

Cross post!

SandyY2K · 08/01/2020 14:12

@Wild123

I think next time he arranges to come here you should book yourself a weeks holiday aboard and leave him to deal with the kids!

Best idea yet. I love it.

AllYouGoodGoodPeople · 08/01/2020 14:13

I wouldn't let him into your house - he can take the kids out for food or whatever. Don't let him over the threshold!!

Original poster
RUSU92 · 08/01/2020 14:16

Also I would keep the peace as it's best for your kids and good maintenance.

This is the trouble, I don’t want to kick up a fuss, I just want him to realise that he’s only able to do this job (and indeed live the life he does) because some other sucker is here looking after his DCs! But he will never see it from my POV. We tried marriage counselling when we were together and the counsellor said at the end of the session “counselling relies on empathy and I don’t think you’ve got any. I can’t really help you!”

OP posts: