AIBU Expecting XH to stay at my house?

[RUSU92]

My XH works abroad, earning very good money (In the £100ks) in a tax haven. I’m self employed earning about £12k a year. He pays CMS rate maintenance as if he was at his old £50k job in UK, plus an extra £250, so decent money but nowhere near fair given his income. (However the country he’s working in doesn’t have a reciprocal maintenance agreement with the UK so if I rock the boat I may end up with nothing.)

He’s coming home for 10 days to see the DCs and has booked himself into a hotel for the duration.

When I go away somewhere he will stay at my house (FMH - he’s still on mortgage) with the DCs. I obviously change the beds, get food in for them while I’m away etc. and it means he can spend some decent time with them in the evenings, dinner time etc

AIBU to expect that for a couple of the 10 nights he’s back in the Uk he could stay at my house and let ME have the hotel, rather than him visiting us at the house and me cooking dinner for everyone then him swanning back off to his hotel for the night?

I’m not talking somewhere flash, the Holiday Inn in my local town is £50 a night and it would mean I get a couple of nights to myself and can potter round the shops, go to the cinema etc. My DP wouldn’t stay with me - he has his own house - it would just be me.

XH has said he’s happy to stay at the house and myself or DP can pay for a Hotel room for me, so essentially it would be me paying £50 a night for him to do some actual parenting. Meanwhile his hotel room would be empty. He has offered for me to stay there but it isn’t a convenient location, it’s just the cheapest one he could find.

Last time he came back I managed to wrestle two nights off him at this other Holiday Inn in the middle of nowhere, expecting me to sleep in his used sheets (luckily I changed it to the first two nights so at least I got a fresh bed!) and I ended up having to drive past my house to get anywhere useful!

AIBU to expect him to factor me in when he comes back, given that he doesn’t have a home for the DCs to stay in? (he won’t get a family room at a hotel for them all, which would be inconvenient for school anyway)

Kids are teens so no trouble really but it’s just the slog of being 100% responsible for them for weeks on end while he’s away, then expected to cater to him when he’s back too.

I wouldn't let him into your house - he can take the kids out for food or whatever. Don't let him over the threshold!! Think this is the attitude I’m going to take, maybe not quite “don’t let him in” but certainly prime them all for the expectation that they’re going straight out again!

counselling relies on empathy and I don’t think you’ve got any. I can’t really help you

Well that's congruence for you.

What if you actually lived with your DP...this arrangement wouldnt be an option.

What if you actually lived with your DP...this arrangement wouldnt be an option

DP is pretty easy going and would probably be happy to do this anyway! His ex visits their DCs at his house rather than them staying with her, so he gets it.

I'd maybe suggest to him that he cancel the hotel and instead find an Air BnB that is suitable for the kids (close to school) and they can all pack and spend the ten days together properly.

I'd maybe suggest to him that he cancel the hotel and instead find an Air BnB that is suitable for the kids (close to school) and they can all pack and spend the ten days together properly

His excuse for not allowing me a night in a hotel was that his were non refundable so he won’t for for that this time. Definitely be pushing for it next time though!

It probably won't feel like it now but you are investing in your future relationship with your children. I don't think anyone looks back with warmth and gratitude to the self-centred parent who looked after 'number one' when they were kids and needed support. I am a 100% sole parent (pre and after divorce!) and I understand the need for a break from duties but I know I will be the one enjoying and sharing part of my child's future including any grandchildren.

Perhaps concentrate on taking time for yourself when you can and not putting yourself out for your selfish ex which may help your resentment about it. It's also not your responsibility if your children have to take their things to stay with him. That's the by product of being divorced, you shouldn't have to worry about it.

If you don't offer to make his life more comfortable, he can't exploit!

I am also wondering if your ex still being on the mortgage makes it feel like the family home isn't your territory. I was able to take over my mortgage and the house with maintenance payments, some mortgage companies allow it.

100k jobs don’t normally come without their stresses

He has 84 days holiday to take this year!

If you don't offer to make his life more comfortable, he can't exploit. You’re right. I’m resentful because of the imbalance, but I find it difficult to separate what’s best for the DCs and what’s helping him!

Do you have a mum/sister nearby that you could stay with for a night off?

I was able to take over my mortgage and the house with maintenance payments, some mortgage companies allow it.

I did ask - after all, I’m the one paying the mortgage every month, he’s only on it in name. But they said no. That’s another reason I guess I’m overly accommodating - if I piss him off he could refuse to renew it next time and I’d have to find a rental house, which would cost a lot more per month.

DP has offered to take over the mortgage with me as his is almost paid off. His exact words were “if you’re going to beholden to some cock, it may as well be me!” but our relationship has its ups and downs and I fear that the likelihood of it going tits up is even higher with him on it

Do you have a mum/sister nearby that you could stay with for a night off? Got my DBro 5 minutes away but tbh it would feel weird staying there! I kind of like a hotel for the absolute peace and isolation I get there

So you are a bit beholden to him about the mortgage. I can understand that and letting your DP pay could give him rights over you house which is a bit dangerous if your relationship isn't settled or you want to remain independent.

Have you tried a mortgage broker? I remortgaged with another company to get my ex off the mortgage, ended up with a far better rate. L&C offer free advise. Might be worth a phone call.

Advice

Are you actually divorced? This all seems temporary and incredibly risky.

Even if a clean break isn’t achievable you need to work towards it instead of this fuckwittage. It’s just a ridiculous situation that will only get worse.

Thanks Dacquoise I’ll have a look at that.

Definitely divorced Lemon, decree absolute about 5 years ago, but we never completed the financial bit due to not being able to transfer the deeds of the house to me while he’s still on the mortgage and me not being able to get a mortgage without him. Agreement was that he helps me to stay in the house until DCs are all 18, at which point (5 years) he will no doubt run like the wind, stop paying anything, even if they’re at uni, and I’ll have to find somewhere else to live!

Its v frustrating, but I figure with him now earning shed loads, he will have more to risk than me! He’s self-centred and tight but he really considers himself a moral person so I don’t believe for one minute that he’d shaft me. He’s very shrewd, he’ll just do the bare minimum that he can get away with financially and practically, to still consider himself a decent dad.

I’m waiting for him to instigate the financial split as then he’ll have to disclose how much he’s earning! DS1 knows but has been sworn to secrecy - when I guessed at £150k and said I’m not a million miles off am I, DS agreed!

Just my tuppence worth but you may want to consider getting the financial agreement sorted sooner rather than later because having dependent children puts you in a stronger position with regards to housing needs which may disappear once they turn 18. And you will still need to house them and yourself.

There may also be a case for spousal maintenance with the disparity in incomes which could be capitalised if there are any other assets available including pensions. Not sure what age you are but it could be an idea to use the tax free portion of a pension at 55 to pay off a mortgage. You will also need a consent order/court order for any mortgage company to use maintenance as income against the mortgage.

You have said you are worried about him doing a flit as he works in a country without a REMO agreement but it doesn't sound like he would abandon his children from what you have just said and what is the likelihood of him making it his permanent abode. You are in limbo land with your current arrangement. Perhaps some legal advice may help you decide and take control of this situation.

Eh? So he said he'll stay if you arrange your own hotel tho? Surely that's reasonable? It would be VU for him to pay for you?

You say he's also said you could use his hotel room too, surely that's ok too, not his fault it's not conveniently placed. I'm sure I've picked this up wrong tho because you think you're being completely reasonable and others are agreeing

He has offered for me to stay there but it isn’t a convenient location, it’s just the cheapest one he could find.

So he has in fact offered exactly what you’re looking for, it’s just not your first choice of hotel? I think you’re being a bit unreasonable, tbh, although I can understand your general frustration.

So he has in fact offered exactly what you’re looking for, it’s just not your first choice of hotel? yes but also in the bed he’s slept in for the previous two nights and will sleep on again afterwards, which I just find a bit weird! Last time I asked the hotel if they’d change the sheets and they said unless he checked out and then checked back in they wouldn’t do it.

@RUSU92 what do you actually want from him then? For him to pay for a different hotel room? YABVU

You could bring a sheet, though, couldn’t you, if you really wanted to? I think YWBU to expect him to pay for two rooms. It’s a pity the room was booked and paid for before you were able to discuss your preferences with him, but since it was, it sounds like he’s doing his best to meet you halfway.