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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore ex’s messages and requests for paying off debt.

90 replies

Gonewiththemadness · 08/01/2020 12:50

I’ll try not to make this too long but I’m not sure that I’m doing the right thing although actually even though this isn’t usually the route I’d take it feels like the right thing.
We had pets (which I have as they were more mine than ex’s) and one of them had a vet bill from an emergency vet cost shortly before we broke up which was in ex’s name.
I said I’d pay when I had the money to do so and then we broke up and to be honest I’d forgotten about it until ex text me around 2 months ago about it. I paid a quarter of it to the company and was planning to do installments but have now decided against paying anymore.
My reason being that in the 4 years together I paid for almost everything including ex’s DC’s birthdays, Christmases, clothes and uniforms ect which is fine as I wanted to but I also paid all the rent, all the food and bills and despite continuously asking ex to contribute even just £30-£50 a week it rarely materialised and I wasn’t happy with that which I’d made clear at the time.
We were also engaged to be married and I lost allot of money on that. £1,400 to be exact. It wasn’t right that we got married as it wasn’t a healthy or loving relationship and although it was me who felt stronger about that ex also agreed it was a good idea not to marry at the time. Was supposed to cancel the venue ect and had apparently tried only to leave me with the full costs after lying in regard to contacting them ect.
We also booked a holiday shortly before breaking up which ex said I should put in my name (of course) which obviously I cancelled after the break up and then was left with another £400 debt for this in my name. I decided not to contact ex about it to save the hassle and just take it on as I’d rather have my peace and happiness than £200 fro ex for holiday debt.
The vet bill was £240. I paid £60 2 months ago and then haven’t paid again since. I got a message yesterday asking about it and asking about mine and my DC’s Christmas. Another message a couple of hours later asking me if I got the message and could I reply. My brother called today to say ex had text him to and asked if I’d changed my number and ask me to text.
When it came to arranging about seeing DC ect after the breakup and actually even before I would wait days, sometimes a week or so for a response but Ex expects an immediate response.
Ex was emotionally abusive which I’d not really realised so much at the time although I knew things weren’t right but I’ve since had counselling and I feel so much better being separated with no contact.
My question of am I being unreasonable though is basically should I be paying the vet bill debt?

Please can you vote...
YABU to say that I should respond and pay the debt
Or...
YANBU to say that I should just leave the other £180 unpaid by myself and not respond to the messages.

OP posts:
NoFucksImAQueen · 08/01/2020 14:13

Yanbu.

heartsonacake · 08/01/2020 14:14

I think YABU. Your entire post is irrelevant.

The facts of the matter are:
a) they’re more your pets, and you’ve ended up with them now
b) you said you would pay

Money you paid out elsewhere has no bearing in this. They’re your pets and you gave your word, you should step up and pay.

mummmy2017 · 08/01/2020 14:18

What about the ex being expected to pay up their share of bills.
Living rent free?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2020 14:25

If you allowed him to cocklodge, I'm sorry but the more fool you. You can't now 'bill' him for things you willingly paid for on your own or continually allowed him to 'dodge', even if you were trying to get money out of him. So the rent, his DC's expenses, well you either allowed him to get away with not paying or you willingly paid for it on your own.

But I think anything the two of you had actually agreed to split is fair game. So the wedding expenses and the holiday are fair game. Tell him what he owes you for half of those and that you expect repayment. Don't mention the vet bill. You don't want anything in writing confirming that you agreed to pay it.

Or just pay the damned thing and consider it as part of the very expensive lesson you have learnt.

Cookiebear2010 · 08/01/2020 14:26

Id pay the bill just for peace and its a small price to pay to get rid of him out of your life and he has no reason to contact you again then.

frazzledasarock · 08/01/2020 14:26

You should pay the vets they’re your pets.

Why on earth did you not cancel the wedding yourself, if you paid the deposits for everything surely surely you’d be the one who is more concerned about getting your money back and cancelling. You really cannot lay the loss of money for a cancelled wedding at your ex’s door. You both agreed to cancel the wedding. You had paid deposits, logic would require you to call and actively cancel everything.

Why are you now moaning about paying for things for your dc? We’re the dc expenses you paid also your dc? Presumably some are if your talking about contact.
You’re ex partner will have contributed an equitable amount which you benefitted from during the relationship. You can’t now moan you paid towards household expenses including those of the dc. Presumably you lived with your ex and benefitted from your ex’s house as you’re the one who moved out.

Pay for your pets medical treatment. And let go of the daily financial contribution you made towards the household during your relationship.

I would ask for half the holiday deposit back though. If you’re going to be an arse about it offer to deduct it from the cost of your vet bill so now ex only owes you £20.

Original poster
Gonewiththemadness · 08/01/2020 14:34

Thank you all for the advice and response.
In answer to a couple of things....
I am a female poster. Ex is also a female. We both had DC but obviously not together.
I think I will pay the bill for my own integrity. It makes me feel angry paying more money out and being even more out of pocket and as one commenter said... pretty muggish!
But yes, I did agree to pay the bill.
I just would not in a million years put someone through what she did emotionally, take, take and take some more both practically and financially and then have the nerve to ask about money after no contact for over 2 months!
I think it’s probably resentment over what’s right here and I know what the right thing is. It’s to pay. It’s with a debt agency but in her name and not my pets usual vet. It was an emergency vet as it was a Sunday so extortionate pricing for what treatment was given but it’s still besides the point.
My next question is that I probably won’t be able to pay it until next month but I have the contact details to do so so would I be unreasonable in ignoring her messages and just contacting the company directly?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gonewiththemadness · 08/01/2020 14:40

@frazzledasarock no we both had DC but not together. I paid for mine and for hers.

She said she would cancel and actually that she had done so and I trusted her (stupidly) that the deposit would be returned but yes I was stupid.
No I didn’t move into her house. She moved into mine after a discussion where I’d said not yet as the house wasn’t big enough for us all ect and I didn’t feel ready she stopped paying her own rent and was evicted through court and then lied to her mum saying I’d asked her to move in.
I wouldn’t dream of asking for money back now. It’s quite degrading.
Very expensive lesson learnt.

OP posts:
PPopsicle · 08/01/2020 14:40

No I don’t think you would be unreasonable doing that OP and probably the most sensible thing to do

Derbee · 08/01/2020 14:44

It’s with a debt agency but in her name and not my pets usual vet

I’d leave her to pay it, when considering all the debt she’s washed her hands of.

Original poster
Gonewiththemadness · 08/01/2020 16:06

I’ve replied to her messages as she has since sent more.
I have told her I am happy to re-instate the payments once £200 is paid for the cancelled holiday.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2020 16:14

👍🏼👍🏼

paranoidmum2 · 08/01/2020 16:16

Well done OP!

Original poster
Gonewiththemadness · 08/01/2020 17:20

I hate being me sometimes.
I’ve arranged re-payment with them and made the next payment.
Have text ex back to let her know and wish her well.
At least I feel content with who I am as a person and won’t loose sleep over making a bad decision which hurts someone else. That’s the only consolation lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gonewiththemadness · 08/01/2020 17:23

On the plus side... by absolute coincidence... I’ve been asked out on a date today! Grin by a woman I went on a couple of dates with a fair few years ago but neither of us were in a good emotional place at the time so decided not to take it further.

OP posts:
paranoidmum2 · 08/01/2020 17:31

I’m sad you paid her, but oooh, good luck with the new woman! Is it karma? Serendipity?

BlackCatSleeping · 09/01/2020 03:39

It is an expensive lesson, but a lesson worth learning. Don’t let people take advantage of you financially. Make sure there is balance in your relationships. I hope you can draw a line under things now and move on. Good luck with the new woman.

cabbageking · 09/01/2020 04:01

You agreed to pay it and your word is your bond.

Somanysocks · 09/01/2020 04:16

Op there is no such word as ect. It is etc, which is short for et cetera.

OrangeLindt · 09/01/2020 04:36

Your pets, you pay.

ChristmasSweet · 09/01/2020 05:53

Glad you paid. They are your pets, you even admitted so. To not pay would be wrong.

You chose to pay for her dcs presents, clothes etc for all of those years and said you did so gladly. You can't now use that as a reason to not pay.

You also can't use the reason of a failed marriage/attempt at marriage as an excuse either. It's not the vets fault.

It's an expensive lesson learnt, but you've learnt it.

MsPepperPotts · 09/01/2020 06:44

Good Luck on your date OP.
Hope this is the beginning of a great new life for you Flowers

Dontdisturbmenow · 09/01/2020 06:49

I voted YABU. If you felt so strongly about the fact that he hadn't contributed his share for a long time, you would have told him from the start that you wouldn't pay for that bill.

You said you would, you kept the dog, you really should pay. Even if you think it is ok to have changed your mind, the minimum you can do is respond to his text and tell him your position. It's very passive aggressive to just ignore him when you had an agreement that you would continue to pay.

FairyBatman · 09/01/2020 06:57

Tell him you’ll pay the vet bill when he pays you what he owes you and give a list.

Repeat each time he asks.

FairyBatman · 09/01/2020 06:59

Her sorry (early and no coffee yet)