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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU this morning with my DH?

53 replies

Macandcheeseplease · 08/01/2020 10:18

Kids back to school this morning. Shock to the system!

DH starting work slightly later, leaving house at 8 instead of 7 as normal.

I'm up at about 6.45 to shower/get ready for work before kids wake up. Then deal with everything - breakfast, clothes, school bags ready, tidying away dishes etc.

DH stays in bed til 7.45. So has not helped getting the kids ready at all. He has floated about this morning leaving a wet towel on the shower room floor, has left the bedroom blinds closed, left his glass of water from last night at the side of the bed, left his breakfast bowl on the side in the kitchen.

I'm so bloody annoyed at him! As he was leaving he said, 'everything ok? You look like you're in a bad mood'. I replied saying that I was just busy, trying to get the kids ready and get ready for work at the same time. He said 'would you like me to do anything' but by this point I'd already done everything!!

Release this is super petty but my god it annoys me. Why on earth can he not realise that he should pick his towel up, help with kids etc without being asked to?

Doesn't normally annoy me so much but I think it's because he's been lying in bed while I'm doing everything this morning it's annoyed me more!!

Anyway. I feel better now for writing it down. Getting it our of my system! But AIBU? Would this annoy you or do I just need to get a grip??

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/01/2020 10:21

Why not say to him "you need to help with the DC when you're here"? Be direct. Being cross but letting him lie in bed til 7.45 while you do everything is pointless; he's a fully functional adult, he can do the parenting too. Tell him so.

Everyone leave bowls or glasses around occasionally but it sounds like this is just who he is; in which case YANBU because you're not his Mother.

formerbabe · 08/01/2020 10:23

I'd be telling him that he can't expect to have a wife that works and a 1950s housewife to pick up after him.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 08/01/2020 10:24

Who picked up the towel in the end?
Who put his bowl in the dishwasher?
Who moved his glass from the side of the bed?

If the answers to the above are him, eventually, without asking that's fine but if the answer is you then Stop. Don't sort his things for him. Just leave them.

Instead or as well as saying here tell him you will not pick up after him and you want some help. I couldn't be putting up with clearing up after a grown man because he couldn't be bothered (my dh did rush out the door this morning stressed because he is being made redundant and has a job interview today and I put his contact lense pots in the bin because he left them on the side but this is a very rare occurrence)

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 08/01/2020 10:25

YANBU girls being annoyed but YABU to not communicate this to him clearly. 'Why do you think it's fine for you to have a lie in while I run around after the kids - when you're home surely looking after the kids should be shared'

SoulStarS · 08/01/2020 10:28

Why on earth can he not realise that he should pick his towel up, help with kids etc without being asked to?

It’s frustrating as fuck, and shows he leaves you to do the ‘wife work’ as he views it.

In the future though, communicate clearly and tell him what you need him to do vs silently seething.

Chamomileteaplease · 08/01/2020 10:30

I always wonder what couples talk about the night before in these situations.

Last night, could you not have said, as you were thinking about the next morning, "oh, you're not leaving till 8 are you, and it's the kids' first day back at school, let's both get them ready etc etc".

YABU to fume and not say anything to him. And HIBU full stop.

midnightmisssuki · 08/01/2020 10:31

You lost your chance to tell him why you were annoyed and instead (I guess) just picked up after him? YABU. Don’t be a martyr next time and tell him how you feel.

Original poster
Macandcheeseplease · 08/01/2020 10:31

Oh I know. You're right. I couldn't be bothered with the inevitable argument that would happen if I said what you've suggested @OoohTheStatsDontLie.

@TheGoodEnoughWife I ended up tidying up after him. If I leave everything as he left it it would still be there tomorrow. I do that sometimes but inevitably end up getting more annoyed so I realise I'm not doing myself any favours here!!

OP posts:
ohprettybaby · 08/01/2020 10:34

You need to have a discussion about this when you are feeling calmer.

He needs to pick up after himself. I would suggest that when he has to go into work an hour later he gets 1/2 hour extra in bed so that he gets some benefit from it and the other 1/2 he can spend helping out with the morning routine.

If the clothes and bags had been got ready yesterday there wouldn't have been so much to do this morning though.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 08/01/2020 10:35

Mostly you do have to spell it out the night before, or at least wake him up to ask to help. The usual line is "If you wanted help you only had to ask!" which is really annoying but they claim they didnt realise, selfish really

TigerOnATrain · 08/01/2020 10:35

@Macandcheeseplease Do you work, and how many hours a week? And how many hours a week does your DH work?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 08/01/2020 10:35

Leave it as long as it takes but after a sit down talk with him where you explain what has gone on before and how that can't go on any longer.

He leaves his stuff around and doesn't 'help' you because he can.

Really - put up with it, change it or leave. Harsh but true.

I would leave after giving him once chance.

(Really at 7am, 7.15, ... was where you should have been saying 'hey, we both need to be up sorting things')

Original poster
Macandcheeseplease · 08/01/2020 10:39

@TigerOnATrain we both work full time.

OP posts:
Foghead · 08/01/2020 10:40

Well, you’re afraid that your quite normal expectations cause an argument so you keep quiet.
Things will never change and you’ll just carry on quietly seething and growing resentful. Your kids will grow up absorbing this dynamic.
He needs to step up.

Costacoffeeplease · 08/01/2020 10:42

I’d have said, you could have tidied up after you - but then I wouldn’t have cleared up in the first place

TigerOnATrain · 08/01/2020 10:42

In that case OP, his behaviour is disgraceful and inconsiderate and selfish. You need to be telling him that he needs to step up, and share the load. Men will quite happily do fuck-all if the women allow it. Or will chip in, when you are 90% of the way through everything, and do a tiny amount, to ease their conscience, and convince themselves (and everyone else,) that they 'helped.'

Original poster
Macandcheeseplease · 08/01/2020 10:47

Thanks everyone. You're all right. Nothing will change if I just keep quiet and seethe inwardly.

OP posts:
ElbasAbsentPenis · 08/01/2020 10:48

Beside the point, but I’m always amazed by how tidy some people’s houses must be in the mornings. Our water glasses stay on the bedside tables until the next bedtime, when we replace them with fresh ones. We don’t always bother opening the blinds. Sometimes we both leave damp towels on the floor if distracted by toddler wranglings. It helps, I guess, that we are more or less as slack as one another! If there’s an agreed regime and he’s not doing his bit YANBU to be annoyed, but I wouldn’t let it eat you alive if it’s not a regular thing.

NotYourTypicalNerd · 08/01/2020 10:51

How old are the children?

Ariadnepersephonecloud · 08/01/2020 10:51

Maybe tell him straight that you'd like him to get up earlier tomorrow so you can both help the children get ready. I'd have been annoyed as well!

DarlingNikita · 08/01/2020 10:51

I really couldn't get exercised about leaving the bedroom blinds closed or glasses of water at the side of the bed.

Leaving washing-up; OK if he is going to do it/does his share of it generally, annoying if he leaves it to you.

But you do need to tell him that he needs to get up and do his share of sorting out the kids (it's not 'help'; they're his children).

TheOrigFV45 · 08/01/2020 10:52

Who are these men? I would be so ashamed if that was my son. It's my job as a parent to ensure my children leave home knowing 1) how to keep a home reasonably in shape (pick up towels, clear away eating stuff etc) and 2) that it is expected of them.

thedancingbear · 08/01/2020 10:53

Quite. The towel and the breakfast bowl would irritate me but they are trifles in the scheme of things. The blinds and the water glasses by the bed- I couldn't give a monkeys.

Doesn't merit a row; certainly doesn't merit a thread on a well-known parenting website

Original poster
Macandcheeseplease · 08/01/2020 10:57

@NotYourTypicalNerd 4 and 6.

Maybe I need to lower my expectations?! My house is far from tidy (in fact it is a disaster zone at the moment) but little things like opening all the blinds and putting towels away make it stop feeling like we are living in an absolute shit tip. Well they do to me anyway, clearly DH isn't bothered!!

OP posts:
Motoko · 08/01/2020 11:07

I'd be telling him that he can't expect to have a wife that works and a 1950s housewife to pick up after him.

^This. He's a lazy fucker. Stop letting him get away with it.