AIBU this morning with my DH?

[Macandcheeseplease]

Kids back to school this morning. Shock to the system!

DH starting work slightly later, leaving house at 8 instead of 7 as normal.

I'm up at about 6.45 to shower/get ready for work before kids wake up. Then deal with everything - breakfast, clothes, school bags ready, tidying away dishes etc.

DH stays in bed til 7.45. So has not helped getting the kids ready at all. He has floated about this morning leaving a wet towel on the shower room floor, has left the bedroom blinds closed, left his glass of water from last night at the side of the bed, left his breakfast bowl on the side in the kitchen.

I'm so bloody annoyed at him! As he was leaving he said, 'everything ok? You look like you're in a bad mood'. I replied saying that I was just busy, trying to get the kids ready and get ready for work at the same time. He said 'would you like me to do anything' but by this point I'd already done everything!!

Release this is super petty but my god it annoys me. Why on earth can he not realise that he should pick his towel up, help with kids etc without being asked to?

Doesn't normally annoy me so much but I think it's because he's been lying in bed while I'm doing everything this morning it's annoyed me more!!

Anyway. I feel better now for writing it down. Getting it our of my system! But AIBU? Would this annoy you or do I just need to get a grip??

In the space of 15 minutes, he got up, showered, ate breakfast, dressed and left? I'm impressed at his efficiency!

Obviously there wasn't time for him to do anyting else, or for a conversation.

Honestly, if you always do the morning shift with the DCs and this is a rare lie in for him, I wouldn't care. You're in the habit of dealing with mornings, it's probably easier for you to get on with it, than to have to discuss division of tasks with him.

The towel and bowl are lazy and presumptuous though and presumably happen every day, as part of his own regular routine. i'd be tempted ot leave them there for him to pick later. What's actually needed is a conversation when you both have time for one.

I think you need a discussion about expectations.

Me and dh both work full time but shifts mean we start earlier and later than one another. So we have an agreement, some days I'll get up with the kids whilst he has a lie in, others he does whilst I do.

So he isn't unreasonable in wanting a lazy morning before work, as long as you also get that option sometimes as well

You should have left it then when he said can I do anything could have reeled off the list.

Don't be a martyr or he'll never change.

Don’t people have these discussions before moving in together/getting married? There are so many threads about cleaning/sorting kids/living space annoyances/finances/living expectations on here. These things are a fundamental issue that needs agreeing/sorting before committing to a life together surely?

OP if these things annoy you wait for a calm, uninterrupted time where you can have a discussion and agree on a shared way forward. Both of you need to explain your own standards and expectations for daily living and agree on a compromise.

You're going to be out of the house all day and when you get back it will be dark. The blind doesn't make a... sorrynotsorry… blind bit of difference.

The water glass is on his side of the bed. Worst case scenario is what? that he has to change it when he goes to bed? who does that bother, you or him?

The towel: well, i presume you all have to use the bathroom or is it an ensuite? If the latter, the worst case is he'll hang it up to dry for tomorrow when he gets home or he'll be drying himself with a damp towel (or he'll leave it and get a clean one out - if he does that every day he's going to run out of towels). Leave it.

Shared bathroom? kick it out of the way and carry on. Then he can do what he likes (if you want to be as petty as i would be over this you would hide all the clean towels where he can't find them so if he doesn't hang it up himself he has a damp towel next time he showers)

Cereal bowl? see blinds above. Do you have a dishwasher? he can put it in when he gets home (worst case: he doesn't and just gets another out tomorrow. See towel tactic…)

And as PP said - the time to discuss him pulling his weight (or him asking for a lie-in) this morning was last evening before you went to bed. Depending on DCs age, they could get their own things ready for school? presumably today being the first day of term wasn't a complete surprise for everyone this morning?

When you're no longer feeling annoyed point all this out to your DH.

How about you leave him to do everything tonight?
Let him make the dinner, wash up and put kids to bed after supervising any homework and hearing reading. And not forgetting getting things ready for tomorrow when you can swap roles. Only fair - one does morning, other does evening.....or if that's too much, you both work together, all the time.

He said 'would you like me to do anything' but by this point I'd already done everything!!

This is when you say (calmly), actually, I'd really like you to get up earlier tomorrow and help me.

Agree there is no point seething if you're not going to address it. But going in all guns blazing when you're already stressed and both about to head out for the day wouldn't be much help.

Also as you said, you'd already done it. And he can't help retroactively.

Talk to him tonight and agree which specific things he will be in charge of tomorrow morning in terms of getting the kids ready.

YANBU but you’re not helping yourself either.
Stop messing around waiting for him to voluntarily do stuff - he won’t. Make him responsible for DCs schoolbags/uniform/lunches/whatever the evening before. Or make him responsible for giving DCs their breakfasts. Share the chores out between you.
Re him leaving a glass of water/cereal dish behind - you leave them too.
Stop being a martyr.

I had this chat with my husband. I just said it's unacceptable to lie in bed then only sort yourself out. If you are at home you need to pitch in so we agreed he would sort out the kids clothes the night before and get them dressed and I would deal with breakfast and everything else.
Just talk to him, he's taking the piss.

Also if he's anything like my DH he'll be a bit defensive as he knows he's been rumbled so don't dwell on this morning but instead say you found this morning hard and talk about what you need from him in the future.

How did it go this morning, @Macandcheeseplease?

In the space of 15 minutes, he got up, showered, ate breakfast, dressed and left? I'm impressed at his efficiency!
Me too - not helpful, but did he fall asleep again and not wake up in time?
I couldn't get exercised over the blinds - I have thermal curtains, and frequently leave then closed if I am out all day to keep heat in (or out in summer) BUT - open the blinds when you get up, husband will get up earlier?
Does sound a bit more that mornings that he isnt pulling his weight - needs a more general conversation about contribution to house/children, etc.

Stop being the tidy away fairy.

The only way some idiots learn is if they see their own mess.

When I have a later start and DP is in charge of the school run I get up with him and help with the kids. Do you think he does the same 🤔. No. No he doesn't. I hear you OP. Dicks of the highest order.

I ended up tidying up after him

Then if he's used to you cleaning up after him, more fool you. Stop it! Tell him to tidy up after himself, and TELL him he needs to help with the kids too. Otherwise you're being a martyr.

When I first moved in with DH he'd leave dirty clothes by the laundry basket but not in it. So they didn't get washed. Why should I pick up his things if they're on the floor when he can't be bothered?

I told him whatever he needs washing can go in the washing basket with my stuff or he can do his own.

He magically became able to put dirty clothes in the basket.

Surely you’d have had the discussion the night before you’re leaving later tomorow so can you do x Y and z and I’ll do other stuff that I do to get kids sorted?,,, waiting till the morning is too late and don’t pick up after him, he’s a grown up!!.(apparently)
If your house is a riot (mine needs sorting too) I hope you will both be making time to sort it at the weekend together?

I’m a single parent so I do it all my self but at least I know I have to rather than dragging a lazy husband round with me and doing it all...

Did you have a conversation along the lines of 'are you getting up with us tomorrow or having a lie in?'. He may have assumed you were fine with it as a one-off.

You are doing it to yourself a bit if you're getting cross over a glass of water by the bed.

I too could be up and out of the house in 15 mins or less if I didn't have to faff about with the kids of a morning.

Tell him tomorrow it's his turn to get the kids up and to school. You're going to go straight to work. Let him experience life for you for a day and see if he stops being so selfish!

The glass and the blinds wouldn't bother me. I have a water bottle by my bed that gets switched out on a shockingly rare occasion and I never open the bedroom blinds (basement bedroom). But the towel and breakfast bowl would drive me nutty. The nuttiest of all would be DH lazing in bed while I dealt with the kids on my own. Hell no!

Could you show him this cartoon (scroll down a bit). For me, it completely describes the uselessness of only "helping" when asked to do a specific thing. The person who has managed the mental load to reach the "could you put Billy's shoes on please" has already done 99% of the job and so there's no point asking for "help" with the final stage of actually putting the shoes on!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/

Whilst in theory I agree with pp about not seething inwardly etc it's not always that simple

Exdh was like this allt he time , I swear at the time he literally could not see the mess, but I really am no shrinking violet so I didn't see the quietly. I told him over and over and over, I refused to tidy after him (well except for the first year of marriage when I had some wierd 50's flash back thing going on...I soon wised up)

However the constant telling and reminding really were me down. Now granted there were other multiple multiple issues in the marriage and it eventually ended after 10 years (clearly divorcing would be a strong response over a cereal bowl so it was more than that)

Time moved on and I met DP and I still remember the first time he got up and started getting things ready without being asked , I literally stopped and stared . He somewhat confused asked what was wrong, it was that the concept of him actually just doing it because he saw it needed to be done was amazing to me.

I realise dhow utterly soul destroying it had been having to constantly say and ask and remind exdh to do things.

Now I still enjoy it if I'm honest, Dp is very much of the view that the DC need to be out the door walking to school at x time, therefore whoever's work schedule or ability to get them to that point does it. If hes downstairs getting breakfast I get them dressed if he walks past the bedrooms and I'm not there he knows I'm getting breakfast so he gives them their school clothes.

So I get it OP it's actually really really difficult to keep reminding keep saying it. I had big talks with exdh , then asking him to help on a daily basis ...it never stuck

So I'm not sure I have the answer as mine , in conjunction with a lot of other issues was to end the marriage

But I do empathise and actually it's a rotten feeling that makes you feel stressed and fed up

I don't understand how he could lie in bed while you run around the house getting his children ready? You need to have a word

Don’t tidy up after him. If my DH leaves a towel on the bathroom floor I leave it there all day if I have to, I’ve been known to leave them there for a couple of days till he realises and removes it. I used to pick them up after him but got sick of it so just stopped.

You should also be direct and ask for help. You shouldn’t have to but it’s no use struggling on and silently seething.

Do you work op?

OP has said they both work full time Karen.

I was a yabu voter bit only because I would have shouted DH out of bed way below that and told him what I needed him to do! My OH is utterly crap if not told what I need him to do (yes I live with a man child but I've come to terms with that!) and I make sure I say I'm doing this bit of the process, he's responsible for that bit and it at least happens the way I want 🤷

Just tell him!!