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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regret

74 replies

MonsteraCheeseplant · 08/01/2020 08:18

I wonder how many parents regret having kids? I've seen a few threads over the years. I'm taking folic acid but am still undecided if truth be told. I've never ever had broody, maternal feelings but i'm running low on time to decide to be honest. I get all googly eyed and coo over baby animals....but not so much other people's kids. It's a leap of faith.

YANBU = I regret having kids
YABU = I don't regret it

If you do regret it, please could you maybe add something about why?
And could you maybe say something about whether you've always wanted kids or if you were or were not broody?

OP posts:
GinDaddy · 08/01/2020 09:06

"There was a woman who openly said she wished she never had one of her children...but then he had kidnapped and raped 3 women and kept them hostage for a decade and more."

yeah that would do it

TheRealShatParp · 08/01/2020 09:30

Having a child changes your life drastically. People always told me that when I was pregnant which kind of annoyed me because it was obvious. But nothing prepares you for how much it changes your life until you’ve had them. And even then, it will depend on what kind of baby/child you have. If you’re lucky you’ll have a perfectly healthy and ‘text book’ baby, but then of course that still comes with massive changes, including to your heath and body, relationships, loss of job and occupation (albeit temporary for some), loneliness during maternity leave etc. But then not all babies are born healthy or remain healthy, which will of course also determine your life and experience as a parent. I guess what I’m saying is that when we think of having babies we don’t all consider that our babies may be born with a birth defect, health conditions or brain damage etc. Or think about how we would cope if that was the case. Or consider the fact that relationships won’t breakdown.
It’s all so subjective, OP. You will never know if you’ll regret having kids or not having kids. But, don’t be made to feel like you should be having them. It’s not for everyone.
FWIW I have one child. At the beginning i had the ‘what have I done?!’ Thoughts, but not anymore. I have no regrets at all.

SquishyLint · 08/01/2020 09:31

I can’t say I regret it, as such. I certainly didn’t plan this and I never felt broody AT ALL. Never cooed at a baby, never even played with dolls as a child.

I love her unconditionally, and my feelings towards babies and children have done a 360.

I do wish, however, that I had known about the physical and mental toll it would take. I’m nearly 11 months in and I’m unwell all the time, I’m a shadow of my former self. Can’t shift the weight, I barely recognise myself. I’m working on getting better though. Also, the anxiety of not feeling like a good enough parent all the time.

It’s taken a toll on my relationship, which is understandable. Luckily we have a really strong friendship and good communication. But if we didn’t have that, I’m not sure we’d survive this.

BeautyQueenFromMars · 08/01/2020 09:34

Still don't know whether I want kids, but have never for an instant regretted having my DS, who is now 13. He makes me smile every day, even on those days where he drives me up the wall. I am not remotely maternal and still don't really know what I'm doing, but he's turning out to be a decent lad, under the grumpy teen veneer.

Having said the above, although I was a single parent for several years after having him, I'm not sure I would have managed without my immediate family as a support network. They were, and still are, a huge source of help and advice without whom I would have struggled immensely.

TheReef · 08/01/2020 09:38

I regret it. I had dc because 'that's what women my age do', I also went on to have a second because 'families had 2 kids' Hmm

I'm not, and never have been maternal and have always found motherhood challenging and difficult. I've often wished I was one of those mothers who adore their dc and get so much out of seeing them grow and spending time with them. I just found it a real chore and bloody hard work.

Doyoumind · 08/01/2020 09:48

I love being a mum. Never had any regrets, even when it's hard, but I always knew I wanted to have children.

Boom45 · 08/01/2020 09:56

My life has changed totally since having the children and I loved my life before. But I don't regret it at all, I miss stuff I used to be able to do and I find some of the social stuff of being a mum (and I do mean mum, not parent, most Dads can opt out of organising play dates and making friends with other parents) difficult.
My kids are hilarious and I'm loving watching them grow up. I miss the pub tho, I used to love the pub...

PsychosonicCindy · 08/01/2020 09:58

I don't regret it for a second what I do regret is not realizing how easy and worry free my life was before I had them!
I wasn't a kid person at all before, I worked in animal rescue never cooed over babies or anything but as soon as I had my own I fell in love with them big time!!

userabcname · 08/01/2020 10:00

I don't regret it. I love life with my two. I think if it weren't for the hassle of pregnancy (imo the worst bit), I'd keep on having them!

Crabonastick · 08/01/2020 10:01

I have a few regrets but ultimately, I don’t regret having them

DC1: choice of father and my age/position in life when I had him
DC2: no regrets at all
DC3: regretted having her for a long time, I’m ashamed to say. I flittered between regretting having her and regretting the age gap. I really really didn’t like her. (BAD sleeper). Everything was more expensive and difficult with her and I wondered what the hell I had done

2&3 have turned a corner and are amazingly wonderful now. They’re a complete joy and I love them so much. I feel so guilty about how I used to feel about my youngest but I don’t regret her at all now

Snuffkindle · 08/01/2020 10:14

No. My life has completely transformed. I lost my career. I work two jobs to fit in around them. We are poorer. But, twee as it sounds, we are richer. I have never regretted them. They have brought renewed joy and wonder in the world, an appreciation of the seasons, of nature. They're teenagers now and it's like we've been, and are still going on a journey, and every stage has been different and challenging in ways but there's always laughing and loving, and we're so much busier than we ever were, and I don't know what I used to do with my time. When they were little I used to ache for an hour on my own, to be able to swim without a little body holding on to me, but now that desire has gone. Maybe because they don't demand so much of me anymore or maybe because I'm different now..I don't know what I'm saying. I didn't always want children and I was lucky in a way that my first wasn't planned so I didn't have the same, right time, decision to make, but no I never regretted them ever. The dog, mind you, that's another story....

BlindAssassin1 · 08/01/2020 10:18

It wasn't that I regretted them, their existence, it was that I regretted not being able to be a better parent, provide a better standard of living for them, a better future for them.

This was when they were very little and like is said before, it was a lack of support from a partner, extended family, decent childcare, it was just me and the DC day after day. Things are a bit better now they're older but I still fret over their future.

ForestYeti · 08/01/2020 10:21

I never cooed over babies before I had my own but I always wanted my own and absolutely wouldn’t change them for anything, being their parent is the best thing that has ever happened in my life

Original poster
MonsteraCheeseplant · 08/01/2020 10:25

@AlCalavicci "why do you think you should have a child?"

Well, I've had lots of people say how great it is. I like the idea of having a little friend/companion. A mini me. I like the relationships I have with family as an adult. Having another focus in life other than me and work. The idea that I will love them...who doesn't want more love in their life? It feels very theoretical though and as I said, a leap of faith. A risk...

OP posts:
Happymummah · 08/01/2020 10:27

I find this difficult to answer.

On one hand I absolutely don’t regret having my children and bringing them into the world. I love watching them grow and spending time with them. I love seeing their little personalities grow. I also loved the personal journey of pregnancy, birth and now motherhood.

But I regret having to become a known as a parent to the world. I hate how it exposes you to the world and the judgement that comes your way because of your dc. I hate having to spend time with people because of my dc (their teachers, their friends, their friends parents). I am an introvert and also have social anxiety so I find facing the world as a mother of my dc difficult.

So I pressed yanbu as they are young and I dislike all of the above but I’m hopeful that will lessen in time.

ShagMeRiggins · 08/01/2020 10:33

I have never regretted having kids for a single second. I knew I wanted them since I was one.

I hope you mean since you were a child, not since you were one year old. Because that’s pretty much impossible.

AvaSnowdrop · 08/01/2020 18:04

It feels very theoretical though and as I said, a leap of faith. A risk..
It is a risk. You could have a child who has significant additional needs, who is perhaps violent or unable to communicate. Not necessarily a “little friend” or a “mini me”. And in that scenario you’d have to step up and parent, possibly for the rest of your life if your child is unable to become independent.

99bb · 08/01/2020 18:12

Never been broody in my life. Having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done and never once regretted it for a second.

Original poster
MonsteraCheeseplant · 08/01/2020 19:49

@AvaSnowdrop yes. I wonder how many people have children whilst seriously bearing this in mind? I wonder what the chances of having a child with significant additional needs are.

OP posts:
Original poster
MonsteraCheeseplant · 08/01/2020 19:50

@99bb May I ask what made you decide to have children?

OP posts:
aNonnyMouse1511 · 08/01/2020 19:52

I’ve never much cared for other people’s children.

Mine though? My absolutely world and then some. They have changed my life in so many ways. They make me a better person. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I didn’t have them. My babies are some of my very best decisions in life.

Original poster
MonsteraCheeseplant · 08/01/2020 21:38

.

OP posts:
Newname1978 · 08/01/2020 21:50

I voted yanbu but meant yabu

gabsdot45 · 08/01/2020 22:13

We adopted our 2 children. I love being mum and get enormous satisfaction and joy from family life.

AlCalavicci · 08/01/2020 23:42

@MonsteraCheeseplant
I too have had lots of people tell me how great it is to have kids , and while I fully understand it is fantastic for some people and as PP have said they knew from a early age that they wanted children , I dont think it is something you should do because other say its a good idea.

I know I may get slated for this comment but ;
Would you buy a dog that you have never seen and nobody can tell you what it will be like to own , but you know you will have to look after it for the next 18 years and beyond.
I know pets are not children , children are much more responsibility and will live much longer and cause you more heartache .
I know its a commitment I am not prepared enough to under take,