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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I might have to leave my husband?

44 replies

IntoTheUnknown89 · 08/01/2020 03:39

I'm 30 and my husband is 40. We have three children 4, 7 and 13. They are lovely. I have a heart condition that I acquired during my last pregnancy which has landed me with a failing heart!

My husband works school hours. We are financially stable. I have a good savings pot from when I was well/parents also help me out, so we aren't scrimping and I have been able to employ help for me and the children so that he didn't have to become my carer. His life has pretty much carried on as normal.

He has to do minimal things - get the kids up and sorted for school etc and he hates it! He all but dragged me out of bed to get the kids up this morning. He doesn't have to be at work until 10 am so it's not even like he's in a rush!

He's made lots of snide comments over the last 12 months or so that I've been more unwell, telling me that I'm lazy when I can't always do physical things with the kids or the dishes. He'll say things like "How could you find the energy on Wednesday but not today?"

He told me a few days ago that he thought I was "putting it on" Sometimes when I wanted me to something that I couldn't manage. I was mortified. Embarrassed. I didn't know where to look Sad

He said a few months ago that he was struggling with his temper, so I helped him seek help for that but he didn't follow through with it. I've tried to see things from his point of view. I've made sure he's had chill out time, given him the opportunity to have alone time, I even still try to have regular sex with him but nothing makes him happy!

I think he does have some kind of mental health problem, I've tried so hard to be understanding but he's just so cruel to me.

OP posts:
skatesbythesea · 08/01/2020 03:53

Sorry but you have to prioritise your health and your DC. Sorry too about your heart condition, you have to be your own advocate for what you need. He does not sound like he has much understanding/empathy for you. Flowers

Sparklfairy · 08/01/2020 03:53

Well doesn't he sound lovely Hmm his lack of empathy isn't something I would tolerate tbh. It sounds like you're having a really tough time, and deserve better than this pig of a man who doesn't value or respect you Flowers

NurseButtercup · 08/01/2020 07:06

I'm sorry your DH is being so unkind to you,
he appears to have forgotten the "in sickness and in health" part of the promise he made to you in your marriage vows.

It does appear that leaving him would be the right decision. I left my exbf because he was cruel and uncaring whenever I had brief periods of illness. Please do whatever is right for you Flowers

DisplayPurposesOnly · 08/01/2020 07:09

I can't see any evidence of him having a mental health problem? He just sounds like a knob.

Don't have sex with him to make him happy. Only have sex if it makes YOU happy. (It won't. And sex is not a transaction, it's a gift.)

CodenameVillanelle · 08/01/2020 07:11

His problem is that he's controlling and emotionally abusive.
Did he really get you pregnant at 16 when he was 29/30?

geekone · 08/01/2020 07:24

@CodenameVillanelle your maths is not great 17 and 27 not 16 and 30 Confused. The OP didn’t ask for your opinion on the age gap in her marriage.

OP I think you need to do what is best for your health. If your marriage is causing you extra stress then I think that could be worse for your heart issue. Also you never have to have sex to keep someone happy.

7yo7yo · 08/01/2020 07:26

I’d be planning an escape route.

HTruffle · 08/01/2020 07:33

It sounds like you deserve considerably better.

Original poster
IntoTheUnknown89 · 08/01/2020 08:50

I got up this morning and did everything house wise and kid wise. He couldn't even be bothered to say goodbye to me properly before he left for work, just muttered it as he closed the door. I did exactly what he wanted this morning and it still isn't good enough for him!

@DisplayPurposesOnly I think maybe sometimes I try to tell myself that because it seems more fixable?

@7yo7yo I kind of have a bit. I've been making sure I've got money and I've spoken to my parents, not that they needed much speaking to. My parents think his attitude stinks.

@geekone I have thought about that. I've got now so I'm not sleeping more than about 2 hours, which obviously isn't great for anyone.

@NurseButtercup Yeah, I wish I could say this is the first time he's ever been like this but it isn't. I had surgery a few years back and his temper flared then.

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 08/01/2020 08:56

He's controlling and abusive. It's not fixable. This is how he wants things to be.

I doubt pp was commenting on the "age gap" but that a man preyed on a child (whatever your views on age gaps, that is never defensible) because she would be easier to control, and now she's older and less easily controlled his abuse is escalating.

To think I might have to leave my husband?
Weenurse · 08/01/2020 09:05

Abuse is escalating.
Heart conditions are not obvious so the is no obvious sign of illness apart from tiredness and shortness of breath.
How does he treat you in front of the children? Do you want them to grow up witnessing this?
Has he been with you to medical appointments and heard what the doctor has said?
If so, then he is heartless and needs to go.
Sounds like your parents are very supportive.

june2007 · 08/01/2020 09:22

You have had a big change in family circumstance. Perhaps he is equally upset and frustrated that you can,t do things and is feeling the pressure. I see his point of view as last year my husband was struck with a debilitating condition meaning he can,t work. Sometimes he can do more then others and there is always the thought can he do more then he says. (Bt then he tries and gets ill and I feal bad.) This has been a big change for all. I think by sounds of it you need to ease up on him and talk to him and work together there has been a big change in dynamics and life style and I expect he is frustrated. And muttering something as he left to e is saying by, that's pretty much what we do.

Legoandloldolls · 08/01/2020 09:33

He doesn't seem ideal. If your parents know and support your thoughts then I think your already quite far down the leaving line.

2 hours sleep and stress? I think you need to have a serious word with him about it, give him a chance to be kinder. A friend did similar. Gave a year and at first her dh upped his game but then drifted back to his old ways ( working 8am - 10pm and spending the few days he didnt work out the house drinking or with mates). So that was his chance / choice and her line.

Vulpine · 08/01/2020 09:57

Having shacked up with a teenager 10 years his junior, I'm sure he wasn't expecting you to have health problems down the line. I suspect that's where some of his anger comes from although its no excuse.

angieloumc · 08/01/2020 10:00

june2007 'ease up on him'? OP has a heart condition; obviously we don't know which condition but it is likely it is either life threatening or life limiting.
In what way should she ease up on him? If she is unable to do something it's not because she can't be bothered but that she can't! Unbelievable!

CodenameVillanelle · 08/01/2020 10:02

No, my maths is poor, but she would have got pregnant at 16 by a man 10 years older than her. 26/29 doesn't make much difference when he's impregnating 16 year old girls

june2007 · 08/01/2020 10:06

Because it,s not just a change for her it,s a change for the whole family, and it can be confusing if someone can do something oneday and doesn,t have the energy the next. Getting kids ready for school ect when you also thinking of work is stressful hence why so many people made posts on dreading the school run after xmas.

Babynamechangerr · 08/01/2020 10:16

I think the age gap and the age OP got pregnant here is relevant. If she gave birth at 17 she was either 16 or just 17 when she got pregnant, by a 27 year old man... Would hardly be a dream come true if that was you or your daughter.

A 27 year old who's impregnating a sixth former is unlikely to be a catch.

Do you have family near by to help if you left? Is he the sort of person who will not pay maintenance if you left?

HollowTalk · 08/01/2020 10:19

If I were your parents I would be desperate for you to leave this man. If your life is limited in any way it seems terrible to waste it with him.

ToriaPumpkin · 08/01/2020 10:40

Oh love, he sounds awful. I think a line in the sand needs drawing, your health is far more important than his moods.

For comparison, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year. My husband struggles with invisible illness and lacks empathy at times when he views others as not pulling their weight. We had some clangers of rows in the early days over housework etc. Since my diagnosis he has struggled with understanding sometimes but has taken on extra activities with the kids, makes an effort to walk the dog and pick up all the slack around the house. He works full time and I work part time and he knows that if I'm struggling at work on Monday then by Friday I will be useless, the dusting and hoovering won't have been done and he'll need to take the dog out for a good long walk Saturday morning otherwise I'll then be even more useless by the next Monday morning. Don't get me wrong, we still have our problems, but this week I haven't been out of bed before 8am (he leaves for work at 7.45, I don't start til 10) and the kids have been fed, teeth brushed and uniforms on so all I have to do is hustle them out the door and make sure they've got snacks and homework folders.

MyOwnSummer · 08/01/2020 11:00

He's an arse. Sorry if this is hurtful to read, but he preyed on you when you were a teenager and he was a grown man in his late 20s. You're now 30, so it could possibly be that he's wanting to shop around for a younger replacement more in his target age range (boak).

He gets angry when you are ill. He's frustrated you aren't functioning how he expects, a bit like a phone with a cracked screen rather than a person he actually respects. He doesn't respect you as a person, only as a tool which is currently malfunctioning.

Youseethethingis · 08/01/2020 11:09

You shouldn’t be puting yourself through sex with him in the hope that he will be kind to you - that’s one of the saddest most enraging things I’ve ever read on MN.
Maybe he does have a MH problem, but I make him out to be a straight forward bellend. He’s about as interested in this marriage as you are. Nobody is happy and this is not a good environment or example for your kids to grow up with.

There’s a better and happier future for you and your kids, it just doesn’t include this unsavoury character you’re married to.

Fraggot · 08/01/2020 11:11

Does your health problem mean you are more capable of being active on some days and less so on others? Or is it a constant level of inactivity and it is potentially harmful to push yourself?

Rumnraisin · 08/01/2020 11:24

Sorry but this is just horrible - he sounds resentful of your illness because he actually has to get off his backside and help (be a proper husband and father), then tries to guilt trip you?! God awful bloody man.
I am so so glad that you have your parents for support OP, you deserve the very best for you and your children Flowers

angieloumc · 08/01/2020 11:37

Confusing for a grown man to realise his wife is seriously ill? It's hardly comparable with the post Christmas slump.