To think I might have to leave my husband?

[IntoTheUnknown89]

I'm 30 and my husband is 40. We have three children 4, 7 and 13. They are lovely. I have a heart condition that I acquired during my last pregnancy which has landed me with a failing heart!

My husband works school hours. We are financially stable. I have a good savings pot from when I was well/parents also help me out, so we aren't scrimping and I have been able to employ help for me and the children so that he didn't have to become my carer. His life has pretty much carried on as normal.

He has to do minimal things - get the kids up and sorted for school etc and he hates it! He all but dragged me out of bed to get the kids up this morning. He doesn't have to be at work until 10 am so it's not even like he's in a rush!

He's made lots of snide comments over the last 12 months or so that I've been more unwell, telling me that I'm lazy when I can't always do physical things with the kids or the dishes. He'll say things like "How could you find the energy on Wednesday but not today?"

He told me a few days ago that he thought I was "putting it on" Sometimes when I wanted me to something that I couldn't manage. I was mortified. Embarrassed. I didn't know where to look

He said a few months ago that he was struggling with his temper, so I helped him seek help for that but he didn't follow through with it. I've tried to see things from his point of view. I've made sure he's had chill out time, given him the opportunity to have alone time, I even still try to have regular sex with him but nothing makes him happy!

I think he does have some kind of mental health problem, I've tried so hard to be understanding but he's just so cruel to me.

No @june2007, this man is abusive. It's not just a case of someone finding their partner's illness stressful.

OP, please do leave, you don't deserve this, and the longer you leave it, the less money you'll have left in savings.

I became so ill that my husband has had to take over ALL the running of the house, cooking, and cleaning in between our weekly cleaner's visit, all while also going to work full time. He has never been unkind to me.

Let your parents give you the support you need to leave.

Just a thought OP, but maybe he wants to leave anyway, but hasn't been about to bring himself to tell you as you've been ill. So perhaps he's pushing all the buttons so you react? Please look after yourself and DCs, and prepare and then perhaps make the decision yourself. It would be horrible to live like that for years.

Hi op I did just that with dp in September I'm chronically ill and to the outside world it looked like he was talking care of me but in reality he was being abusive, saying I put it on etc..
I am actually much better off with out him - I'm using my pip money to make life easier for me and dc so I've employed a cleaner and gardener as these are impossible tasks for me, kids are in a routine so will help fetch washing, clear up after meals, they all have a hot school meal so I don't need to cook every night and if I'm having a good day I will cook double so have something frozen for a bad day. We muddle through its not easy but the home is much more pleasant than it was.
I have physio and ot and they've helped arrange for adaptions to make it easier they also got me in touch with community transport so that hospital appointments not entitled to medical transport I can still access.
The kids are well supported at school and through our local young carers group. They have all said how much nicer it is and I'm actually enjoying my time with the kids more as we're not all on edge.
I struggle with the school run (manage on a mobility scooter) but know I have to push through and then I can rest all day while they're at school. Monday is worst as I've had less rest over the weekend but don't think it's much worse than when I was with dp.
If you need to look into benefits etc start early as they take a while (Pip took me 6 months & I didn't need to contest). If you think you'll need extra support think about confiding in gp or someone and get referred as again the waiting lists can be long.

Yes leave him. He sounds like an insufferable bastard, he tethered you to him as a teen and now his slave is too ill to do anything he’s annoyed.

I’m aware how harsh that sounds as I’m sure you love/loved him and I’m sorry. But that is how it reflects to me.

Leave him!

You deserve so much more and your DC don’t deserve to be subjected to him or his mood swings. It is not a healthy environment for the DC to be in and you need to show them this is unacceptable behaviour and not how people treat each other.

Hi ladies. Sorry for the delayed reply. Just to clarify - I didnt realise I hadn't before! Our eldest child is my daughter from a previous relationship. The 7 and 4 year old are "ours".

I have always had some health problems. I was always open and honest with him right from the get go.

OP I agree with PPs on this thread. His behaviour suggests that he doesn’t see you as a whole person in your own right, rather a cipher that’s not playing its role correctly. The fact that he’s so much older than you and that he got you pregnant when you were still a child only backs up that impression I’m afraid.

I’m so sorry things have turned out like this for you. Having had long term health issues of my own it’s a bitter pill to swallow while you’re still young, but this is even more of a reason why you shouldn’t spend your life with an abusive man who makes you miserable.

I’m glad you have supportive parents who can help you out. Presumably they’re willing and still young enough to do so, and that is a massive advantage, believe me.

Please leave this horrible man. You deserve so much more, and your DC deserve a mum who is happy and free from abuse. You’d be surprised how much of that abuse they internalise, and it can cause serious problems for them as well.

Good luck OP. You sound like your mind is partially made up already. I hope you can leave him and move forward.

Just seen your update OP. My post still stands, regardless of the age you both met. He still sees you as a cipher. It doesn’t matter what issues he may or may not have, you have a serious health condition and he should be supportive. He’s still a shit in my eyes.

And just because your were older than 16, you were still a vulnerable young single mum.

Leave. Put things in place now. Don't tell him of your plans or attempt any rapprochement - you tried that and he's beyond redemption. You now need to put you and your children first. TBF, your health problems have only revealed the utterly selfish knob that was always there.

Others on here will tell you what info and docs you need to gather together, e.g. payslips, bank account, pension details etc. I know you say you've saved some money but you still need to do this. You don't know what'll happen or which way he'll jump. I suspect he'll get very nasty indeed. If you choose not to exercise your legal and financial rights, then that's up to you: the docs can just sit and gather dust forever. There's absolutely no harm in having the information. And in the event that you need it for whatever reason, it will help avoid a ton of upset and stress which you definitely don't need. if necessary, ask your parents and / or friends you trust to come round when he's at work to help collect stuff together to keep / copy, and then store it away from your current home. I wish you the very best. You sound a really nice person, and you deserve so much better.

So you were 16 and already had a child? He totally prayed on you. No judgement for having a child young btw, I used to support teenage parents, some as young as 14 and they always had older men sniffing around them, it’s absolutely bizarre. You’re so much better off without him, and I bet the children would agree

Sadly, men step up in situations where their partner is I'll far less often than women do. I understand that a woman with a cancer diagnosis is eight times more likely to be left by her husband than a man with the same diagnosis is to be left by his wife.

I think your DH is showing his true self as a pretty rubbish human being and needs to be called on it. Could you take him with you to a GP appointment and have your doctor spell out what your condition actually entails?

If he still doesn't step up, you'll probably be happier without him.

I'm glad your parents are supportive.

Will they help with you leaving him? Or kicking him out.

What is your housing situation?

Has he been to the doctors with you? Has your illness been explained to him?

He sounds like an abusive selfish yob and I would get out now if I were you.

Sending you lots of love. I had a kidney condition when my second child was tiny, and that was when I saw this side of XH. He rolled his eyes, told me I was putting it on, refused to help and was cruel and horrible. I got better, and years passed before I actually managed to leave him, but when I look back, that was the moment when I knew for certain that I would not be spending my life with him.

Leaving him was Incredibly hard at the time, but it’s also one of the best things I’ve ever done.

@IntoTheUnknown89

I'm sorry to hear of the difficult situation you are in. It is easy sometimes to excuse abusive behaviour as due to being due to a mental health issue.

I think deep down you know this behaviour is abusive.

I think I've lived in denial for quite some time. He's nice to others and the kids. I kept telling myself "it must be me, I must be annoying" "if I could just be more flexible".

@Nanny0gg We are renting. I could probably stay with my parents for a bit if needs be.

He's had my condition explained to him several times. Nothing shocks him. His father was diagnosed with a P. E that nearly killed him and I watched his face - nothing changed. Its like he doesn't feel anything for anyone else. He can't empathise.

Then he's going to be a horrible example to your children.

Please start making plans