H has turned into a monster after DC's birth

[sheepo]

Posting here for traffic as not sure if it's me and my hormones or whether or not my 'd' husband actually has turned into a monster after our second child's birth.

Husband has had a rough childhood and is very LC with his parents. I'm NC- they're a very toxic family. When our first child was born, I experienced PND and high levels of anxiety. Instead of support me, husband claimed to be suffering from depression himself (nothing wrong with that and I'm not disputing he didn't) but I felt my husband upped the ante so to speak by making things harder for me- leaving a very needy child all to me to sort out- feed, sleep, handing him over and at one point leaving him crying in a sleepyhead (on the floor by my bed) because he was struggling to soothe the baby and I was in deep sleep so didn't wake up straight away, starting arguments and then gaslighting me, etc. We've spoken at length about the first time and I thought we were determined to avoid the mistakes we made then and to change things this time so we were all a bit more settled and calmer. We started off okay but a week in and my husband is repeating some of the same behaviours as last time :( we're lucky we've got a baby who sleeps this time around and is generally low maintainance. I've also felt a lot more at peace with myself and am fighting hard not to slip into depression again. My biggest motivation is to provide as much consistency as I can for my toddler who is naturally struggling to adjust to the newest addition to our family and is acting up a bit. My husband has responded by starting loud arguments when he's felt overwhelmed, accusing me of nagging him or shouting at him or overwhelming him when I've asked him to do something- eg. Take the rubbish out, etc. I feel nothing I say/do is right. I'm fed up of arguing with him- we can go round and round in circles for hours. If I refuse to engage with him, he'll keep at me until he gets a reaction and I'm ashamed to say- out of frustration, I can give him as good as I can get. I'm shattered as it is and feeling guilty I can't be as hands-on with my toddler as I've been up until now and my husband is adding to my stress levels. I've got a HV coming over in the morning to check up on me. Would IBU if I mentioned my husband was being a shit? Or would I be opening a can of worms and risking our family being reported to SS? Help.

Please get some counselling for yourself Op.

Yes, there is deep shame attached to the experience of suffering abuse, and it is horrible. It goes right down to the bone. It contributes to the instinct to keep quiet about it all, which in turn keeps you living under an abuser's thumb.

But please, please remember that abuse reflects on the abuser, not on you. It won't stop that deep-down feeling but you need to practice positive self talk just to maintain a sense of perspective.

He will destroy you in the end and he will take the children down with you

Ill kill him before I let this happen

Sadly by staying with this man this us exactly what you will be letting happen, by exposing your children as they grow to a toxic abusive relationship.

Oh my goodness... you've hit a terrible patch in your marriage. The not coping with the baby I can overlook. I mean, having babies, for DH and for me, has always been a trying time. I'm snappy, he's moody, we're knackered (our babies are all in school, one's leaving for uni next year).
But in your DH's case, this is just downright abusive. The problem is, neither of you have support in the form of your parents. You have each other. You're not able to look after each other lovingly because you've got two children who are entirely dependent on you right now and because your husband is just incapable of being a supportive person. How sad. I could totally understand moody, grumpy, but still supportive. This is not that.
I don't know if I'd tell the HV. You will absolutely have SS on your doorstep and I am not sure that's your solution here.
I'll PM you.

My DH could be like this, his dad is also the same and not excusing it but they can sometimes not have good role models growing up. From his family background it sounds similar.

My DH said he swore he would never be like his father but sometimes does have these angry rages- never violent but just angry outbursts. But he is working on it with anger management techniques, something called "Stop, breathe leave." If we had not discussed it and he agreed it is his problem (not blaming it on me) and working on it, I might have left.

He is also very, very good with the DCs though and very calm and patient with them.

So my advice is try and get him to try techniques like that

my husband admitted that he found me a burden and that sometimes he felt like he'd be better off walking out on me but it was the thought of leaving DC1 behind that stopped him from doing that.

Wow. I'm not sure how you can come back from this tbh. You must be terribly hurt.

Definitely tell your hv what's happening this morning.

From what you say, your h sounds abusive. If he's not telling his counsellor the trruth about what's happening or acknowledging it to himself, nothing will change. Might be an idea for you to write to his counsellor and put forward your pov, but what will change?

Your priority has to be your safety and your dc.

The thing is, they're abusive towards him too and have ostracised him but he keeps going back because he thinks he's doing the right thing

Tell him to check out Out of the FOG website also, there is a section on this and boundaries / NC etc and a 'working on us' area.

I wouldn't feel happy in a relationship where he thought I was a burden.

That really stings.

Yes he does say this about a burden but then we all feel these kind of things at times- a family is a burden / responsibility. I think at least he is talking about these things.

Taking things personally and getting upset sometimes doesn't help

But saying that, if he doesn't change then he may be an abuser himself, some stuff doesn't sound good. Trust your instincts, if he doesn't change and keeps blaming this on you, maybe best to leave or get help

Oh also, couples counselling is not recommended for those in abusive relationships, maybe better going alone. Maybe you could look at OOTF yourself as there is a relationships area. It sounds like it may be him who is abusive

Sounds like your trying to create a 'happy family' however your DH is awful. You keep having to work through issues and you say you come back stronger but clearly not as more issues just come to the surface. He called you a burden and wanted to leave and you got him to stay. Sounds like very hard work to me. I would suggest you get yourself back to work , gain some independence and plan your exit before he does as I can't see this getting any better. You can't fix him

It seems a bit irresponsible to have brought a second baby into this toxic environment. Please make your HV aware of what's going on - this isn't a good environment for either of your children

He sounds like he just can't cope with parenthood. You now have two babies under 16 months, that's enough to make anyone crazy! Your whole dynamic has changed from a couple both working to him supporting the family financially, which can feel like a real burden. You've said hes having counselling, was that something that the GP organised? Is he being treated for depression? Did you both want the second child? Depression in new fathers is very high but often undiagnosed as people think, like many pps here, that they should just get on with it and support the mother. And then people cry 'abuse' and say depression is no excuse for behaviour. So what about post natal depression? Would you just tell a mum suffering from PND to stop being a nob and be a proper parent? Would you accuse them of abuse?

OP, both of you are struggling, and both are unhappy with each other. So yes, speakingbto your health visitor is a good idea, but for support for the family as a whole. Just remember, the pressure that parenthood brings is immense.

@TartanMarbled have you read the thread??

@sheepo I genuinely don't think things will get better long term, it speaks volumes that you have lost friends due to the mnot liking him, that really isn't normal, friends don't do things like that for nothing.

I also think you are underestimating other people, there is not one couple I can think of that are so perfect that I would disbelieve either of them if they came to me with issues. Most people understand you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and are generally more perceptive anyway that you probably realise.

And I also just to add, from what you have said this behaviour is not 100% out of character if I have understood correctly, just worse since having children?

Your husband's sounds like he has a lot of problems which stem from his own childhood. It is not uncommon for this to raise its head when a person has their own children. Having children will be bringing up all sorts of unresolved feelings about his own childhood, that he is probably unaware of . I don't say this to mean you have to put up with his behaviour, you don't buy you have a decision to make. If he is willing to try to change, things may improve but it will take time.and he is likely to backslide sometimes ( what human being doesn't?) . He is also unlikely to be the balanced loving, always supportive.,calm partner you probably crave while your children are small as it will probably take years for him to get there

Your have said you often talk with each other and resolve things (albeit temporarily) which sounds good but only you.can know if your H is coming from an abusive place or from one of pain/ confusion. In either case, you don't have to put up with the behaviour at all. You really don't.

To all those making apologies for this abusive man - do you seriously set the bar so low for the men in your life? Truly desparate stuff!
If you want to stay with this loser OP, good luck to you.
This will not get better though, and very much likely worse.

You don’t need him ..you both decided you would be SAHM ,but nowhe thinks your a burden.
If you can manage financially with out him ,I’d be leaving ASAP ...
Get certificates ,bank details and everything organised,and leave
Why is he so needy ,why does he put himself first ,why does he need counselling,who’s paying for that ,where is your counselling .
He’s not liking the attention the babies get ,I’d say he’s jealous of the time you give them ,and of the bond you have with them

Why do you let him treat you like this, and you went and had a second child with this waste of space. You are not happy, you've been shouted at and made to cry in front of your child, what more are you waiting for.
Think it's time you put your happiness and your children's happiness first

@sheepo. I'd do what you said and write her a letter x

Hi OP your partner is abusive. He has been severely damaged by his childhood and this impacts him now.
Sadly you need to separate. You need to see the impact he’s having on you and the children.
My ex was similar, but he hit me too. He made it all about him.
It was f...ing exhausting.
I too have no family support. I started by telling the GP - it’s confidential, then I call women’s aid and started by own counselling. I knew I’d need help to get him to go.
As much as we want to see the best bits and hold onto them, they are really unpleasant people.
Try and tell your friends - they will believe you.
Mine was charming too and mr nice guy!!!
We wouldn’t accept a stranger in the street saying and doing these things too us - these men are meant to love us.
Don’t stay for the children. My son has adjusted well to the separation and is so much happier. 🌺

He sounds like an awful man, it sounds like he cant cope and doesnt want the responsibility and by doing the things hes doing may force you into finishing things instead of him, then yet can play the victim and say you finished things when he wanted to.