To be freaked out about IL's and new baby - VERY LONG

[mixedmama]

I had my DS 18 months ago and my relations with my in laws have been stressed to say the least.

They insist they know best to the point where they blatantly ignore my requests in front of my face.

If we are there and DS cried they automatically hand him to MIL or SIL and completely isolate me.

In the past various issues have occured:

feeding DS jarr food when I provide fresh food.

giving him juice when i said no.

putting him on his side with cushions all around him to stop him rolling onto his back when 3 days old. when i say no look me in the eye ignore me and do it anyway.

More recently MIL ignores me completely I walk up say hello she turns back and wlaks away as she is offended that i should have an opinion on DS.

This is a small collection of things, which I know look irrelevant. DH annd I came to the conclusion that i will not visit anymore as i am not welcome and that suits me, but i still send DS once a week as i dont want to be the person keeping him away from his GP's. I have sat in a room with them and guests and they talk about me and I worry they will stop doing it oonce he is olld enough to understand.

My worry now is that I am ppregnant again and due in december. I am petrified of how to manage the relationship - i feel like they have taken DS away from me and cannot bear to be in the same room with them and him as they immediately scoop him up annd takke him to anoother room, almost like they are trying to erase me. It got so bad we had to move so that they wouldnt be his sole childcarers and i nearly had a nervouss breakdown and consiidered divorce constantly.

I am terrified they will take over with this baby too and worried that i will end up so stressed again.

We do have cultural differences as we are both from different backgrounds but I really dont believe that this is the reason. I am so scared of them visiting baby in my home and taking over. DS has started saying "amma" which means mum in their language and DH says he sayss it to SIL who constantly laughs at me and mocks me with others when i am in the same room.

Things have improved loads since i dont go there so dont see it, but DH is just tackless sometimmes as well with telling me these things - i just try to ignore.

Sorry this is rambling. Not sure if this is the right place topost either, but just stresses me so much.

Has anyone cut ties with ILs but still lets them see kids.

I feel so angry I don't know where to start. I would not send my child anywhere near people like that. Your husband needs to put you and your child first. Kids won't suffer if they don't see their grand parents. Over my dead body would my kids see my parents, and even then I would haunt them. (Not the kids), I wouldn't stay married to someone who allowed other people to treat me like this. Talk to your husband and tell him this stops NOW.

YANBU

If they were my ILs they would never see our dcs

Agree with Nab23, what on earth is your dh doing while this bullying is going on.

It is up to him to stand up to his family and tell them to start giving you the respect you deserve.

Allowing your son to go to them once a week and staying away because they dislike you is allowing them to win.

You must not let this go on. Your dh must stand up to them, and you must stand up to your dh.

These are YOUR children.

That sounds awful. I would stop them coming to your house until they can respect you. How dare they.

i wouldn't leave my dc with anyone who did the things you've described. how very disrespectful. i get on with my ILS but very very rarely leave dd with them, and even then only for an hour or so. i just don't like their way of doing certain things. i happily take dd to see them or they come here whenever they like, but i stay too.

what is your dh doing about this? i imagine he has to show great respect for his parents so to say anything would cause great offence.

This sounds intolerable and not at all irrelevant!

It sounds like they completely undermine you, doesn't DH stick up for you when they do this?

I have a pretty awful relationship with my MIL but there's no way I'd stand for this and neither would my DH (we would have split up a long time ago otherwise!). You two need to present a united front so they can't do this to you. The only other option would be for you (and DH) to cut them out completely. You being excluded from visits obviously doesn't solve the problem. It would be a shame to not let them see the kids. However, if the alternative is for them to see their Mum treated this way way by people who are supposed to care about them, then that is what I would do.

If they think they can get away with this they will keep it up. You and DH need to show them you won't stand for it and there are boundaries and consequenses to their actions. So and for you!

I'm so angry for you that I can't even spell 'consequences'!

Thanks for your support ladies.

It caused countless arguments and he truly believes that his mum has had kids so knows what she is doing. When it comes to them he just wont reason. I think he finally saw what it was doing and that is why we moved. We hhave been around in circles so many times it is actually ridiculous.

I will be on maternity leave frorm December so I guess things will be different as i will be at home all the time.

He didnt even tell them i was pregnant this time until 18 weeks, presumably as they would say something.

On my DS birthday they sent nasty text messages about why he didnt go round there.... we just took DS out for the day for his first bday as i couldnt face family politics of a party or anything. They sent messages like "we bet youhave gone to her familys" and stuff like that, it was just awful.

The thing is nobody actually seems to realise that I dont have to send him - we have friends who have this situation and bottom line is she just doesnt send the kids - but it has taken its toll onn the relationship. I dont want that and since we have moved everything seems much better evn if he does go for one day.

I just want him to ask them why mummy doesnt come, rather than me. i dont want him to come to me in years to come and say why couldnt he go and stuff like that.

I am just completely scared shitless if i am honest about how it will all work this time as we are now estranged.

Maybe this is your opportunity to change things
Stop the once a week without you visit and all go but once a month only?

my sil had similar probs with my mil she sent her kids with hubbie but didnt visit for years, she warned me before i had my dd so i have taken different approach, will be back with longer post later just feeding dd atm, unfortunately it was only when fil died that mil became less controlling, not the best solution!

I wouldn't send my child to them either. I would hit the roof if my girls started calling the evil fucking bitch from hell (also known as my sister in law), amma, I am my dd's amma, mummy, mother...and err mo according to dd2 (2.11 years old).

Dont send him, and also whenever your son tries to call sil amma correct him by saying no foofoo and yourself amma, he's only saying it becasue they teach him to. I'm guessing your dh is indian and IL's speak hindi.

They are bengali.

I am not there to see it. I just cant be there the whole atmosphere and everything makes me feel physically sick and I have actually been sick there before.

I just dont know how to stop what i have started now and I guess what i am going to bee exppeccted to carry on with new baby. This seems to be working for us and we have been sooooo happy annd no more arguments, but just stressed about when the new baby comes.

And if I have a little girl I dont want to shave her head, (we are both Muslim but where I am froom we dont do this) and I just dont know how i will have the energy to fight it. They shaved DS for a secondd time after i told them no and went for a job interview. i am juist petrified of what might happen.

fuzzy - is your partner /husband asian as well?

Oh my God. I'm so shocked at this, so sorry for you Mixedmama, it must feel awful to have so much resentment built up, so much fear...just think how much worse it will be and how much damage it is doing to you if you let it continue.
How DARE they?

How dare they?

I am so angry on your behalf. I think the only way to sort this si to get DH onside - ultimatum, even - as you say, you don't have to let your precious children go. What is it doing to them to have their own mother mocked mercilessly? It's barbaric and cruel to them as well as you. They will be confused and hurt by it.

Please can you try and stand up to it, I know to stop will mean facing your anger and letting it out somehow but it will only be more if you leave it.
I don't think your children will think twice about your reasons later on when they ask you why they didn't continue to go.

If it were me I would seriously want to get out of the whole situation, and if DH wouldn't support me I think he'd have to choose...that's harsh but not as harsh as what he is bizarrely expecting you to go through.

Very best of luck and courage, we're all fuming on MN I think, we all want to support you xx

This is totally unreasonable. I think you need to say no visits full stop - if they dont accept things your way and acknowledge you as an individual with feelings then they are not suitable people to be passing on their attitudes to your kids. I think the new baby is a good time to make a clean break of it.
It is so much easier to sit this side of the fence than being you, but I think you need to talk to DH again about it and if necessary (and you feel strongly enough about this) put an ultimatum on the table - his family or you. HUGE step though so please think that through really carefully before you take it in case you get the answer you do not want. Mean it if you take that path.

I am indian so is my dh....what justification did they give for shaving your sons head twice???

We shaved both girls heads at seven days and distributed it's weight in silver in alms to the poor (actually it was more than the weight of the hair), its an islamic tradition.
But dh and I have had loads of arguments about shaving the girls heads again as he reckons it will give them beautfiul hair...I point out that the only thing it will give them is a bald bloody head and a head cold in winter or sunburn in summer. I didn't mind the head shaving the first time round I must admit.

I have tried to explain in every way possible to him.

Even asking him when was the last time his mother or sister cried themsleves to sleep about the way that I treated them. he just shouts. alltho that was quite sometime ago and we seem to have reached a goodo place now.

they havent even contacted me to say congrats on the baby or anything.

they are just strange - they send him text messages to say can you bring DS tomorrow or whatever. He is not even that close to any of them and couldnt be assed with them at all before DS, would just go there to eat every now and then, on the other hand i am very very close to all of my family, so perhaps thats why he thinks he needs to "big them up so to speak".

I know i would be saying the same thing as all of you if i was giving advice - dont send DS, but we have just reached a good place in our relationship now, but just dont wnat to go through the same depression with new baby.

i know i am going round in cirlces and i really appreciate all your advice.

I have a real problem with the head shaving, as altho my family are Muslim in our culture it just doesnt exist. I accpeted to do it once with DS and they done it a second time and with a DD I just dont wnat to altho will prob concede once, but it hurts my parents as well to see their traditions being up held and soemtimes ours dismissed.

TBH I am far to close to my mum and tell her far too much.

One of my friends mum said that they have daughters too and iif you treat someone elses daughter this way then the same will happen to you.

Who said you are too close to your mum? I tell mine nearly everything.

I had an almost identical experience as you mixedmama, I have a MIL from hell and the extended family "came to heel" at her command and treated me very badly, unfortunately DH was weak and kept making excuses for her disgusting behaviour, using cultural differences as the main excuse LOL I call it ignorance, arrogance and bullying of the worst kind. I too also refused to go round, but that is simply empowering her as she is still controlling the son and now your children into her way of thinking ( I know your son is very young) As much as I know you feel you have no power in this situation you do, believe me, tell your husband it stops with the birth of your new baby, you are now his family and as such he must care and support you first, I gave my Dh the choice if he wanted to continue to condone her behaviour then he had better move back in with mummy until he got a backbone and grew up. Now she calls to talk to him very occasionally hasn't seen her 4 GC for 5 years and has never seen her GGC but then its her loss . Good luck but please try to be strong and make your position crystal clear US or HER !!! Thinking of you

This has totally shocked me. Have to say in most situations I would say you are doing the right thing in being big enough to let your ds see his grandparents. But I think the way they are treating you is beyond shocking and fully agree with the other posters that seeing his mum treated like this will probaby be more detrimental than not seeing his grandparents. Do you want him to grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour?

The problem is you don't sound like you are in the best place emotionally you might be or you might find it easier to be strong and give your dh and ultimatum. Although you do say you have a good relationship with your mum so at least the support is there. I would personally give dh an ultimatum and then move to your mum's with your ds until he can give you the respect and support you need.

By the way it takes a lot to recommend that you should give someone an ultimatum like this but to be honest I just don't see you have any choice. For your sanity and your ds's sake. Just can't believe there are people who would treat someone like this and its almost worse that your dh is condoning it by not standing up for you - afterall he chose to be with you but they didn't.

By not standing up to him and them you are saying to everyone (and your ds) that this behaviour is OK.

Good luck honey - really hope this all works out for you.

bollox imo, if your il are hurting you stay as far away from them as possible, I was told by someone I'd get thje same treatment from my dil's etc when they happen, I have informed the person that I doubt that very much as I have no intention of being an evil, spiteful interfering bitch when I get children in law....do whats best for you and your little family. I do now and it makes life so much more pleasant.

Sorry if this offends anybody but I have seen so much abuse of this nature within the Bengali community that it makes me sick. I find it extraordinary how often Bengali MIL's behave like absolute monsters to DIL's. I'm always shocked that husbands can allow their wives to be treated like that.

Have to say some of this is a little like my MIL.

1. We now see them a lot less than we did.
2. WE don't stay there and won;t until ds2 (I am 30 weeks prgt atm) is sleeping through.
3. I had to make my dh 'see' what was happening which is no mean feat. I was the one who opened his eyes to the fact that his mum is a bully, his dad is is passively assertive and that he is belittled by his sisters, This made me feel awful but they started belittling him in front of ds1 which I was not going to have. It took a while but we got there.
4. We now make decisions as a 'we' not him (When MIL phones she will never acknowldege me on the answerphone)
5. I am much more assertive about the things that matter to me adn try to lewt the 'littler' things drift by.

When things got really bad ds1 did stay with them for a week at a time wihtout us as then I wouldn't be so stressed but his behaviour when he came back was so bad it took a week to get him back to a routine. This wasn't worh it!

I have to say though, this family sounds like a cruel and nasty bunch who delight in ganging up against you, belittling you and downgrading you as 'mother'.

I have no contact with my own mother as she is an alcoholic and this would be detriment to ds. (She isn't aware that she has 3 grandchildren) I don't regret it as I feel I am protecting him from her as no one protected me. He has asked about my mummy and I managed to distract him but I will tell him about why we have no contact.