To be freaked out about IL's and new baby - VERY LONG

[mixedmama]

I had my DS 18 months ago and my relations with my in laws have been stressed to say the least.

They insist they know best to the point where they blatantly ignore my requests in front of my face.

If we are there and DS cried they automatically hand him to MIL or SIL and completely isolate me.

In the past various issues have occured:

feeding DS jarr food when I provide fresh food.

giving him juice when i said no.

putting him on his side with cushions all around him to stop him rolling onto his back when 3 days old. when i say no look me in the eye ignore me and do it anyway.

More recently MIL ignores me completely I walk up say hello she turns back and wlaks away as she is offended that i should have an opinion on DS.

This is a small collection of things, which I know look irrelevant. DH annd I came to the conclusion that i will not visit anymore as i am not welcome and that suits me, but i still send DS once a week as i dont want to be the person keeping him away from his GP's. I have sat in a room with them and guests and they talk about me and I worry they will stop doing it oonce he is olld enough to understand.

My worry now is that I am ppregnant again and due in december. I am petrified of how to manage the relationship - i feel like they have taken DS away from me and cannot bear to be in the same room with them and him as they immediately scoop him up annd takke him to anoother room, almost like they are trying to erase me. It got so bad we had to move so that they wouldnt be his sole childcarers and i nearly had a nervouss breakdown and consiidered divorce constantly.

I am terrified they will take over with this baby too and worried that i will end up so stressed again.

We do have cultural differences as we are both from different backgrounds but I really dont believe that this is the reason. I am so scared of them visiting baby in my home and taking over. DS has started saying "amma" which means mum in their language and DH says he sayss it to SIL who constantly laughs at me and mocks me with others when i am in the same room.

Things have improved loads since i dont go there so dont see it, but DH is just tackless sometimmes as well with telling me these things - i just try to ignore.

Sorry this is rambling. Not sure if this is the right place topost either, but just stresses me so much.

Has anyone cut ties with ILs but still lets them see kids.

Unfortunately, it is not possible for me to move back with my parents for various reasons otherwise I think i def would have done this when we were living near them. i think my husband ddid appreciate what I was going through in the end which is why we moved etc. I know he has been spineless in not standing up to them, but they are quite poisonous people and i dont know how they do it but they get into his head.

I understand what you are saying that DS will view their behaviour as acceptable but my hope is that altho he sees them behave this way, he will see the way we behave differently and most of his time is spent with my family and I hope that he realises it is wrong annd stands up and says so. that would be justice. As he gets older i do plan on filling him up with extra activities and stuff s slowly this time will dwindle.

I know that if I was you guys I would be sayiing all the same things, but i honestly love my husband and I want my ssoon to see for himself. my grandma used to slag off my auntie andd one day my cousin just turned round and told her to stop talking about her mum, she didnt appreciate it. But, our grandma was just a matriach and never ever tried any of the things my MIL has done and my mum is English so completely different cultural background.

The worst thing of all is my MIL claims to be religious.

Thanks for all your advice ladies I think that when this baby comes I just need to fill up our time so their is "unintentionally" less time available.

Good luck with it all, but if I were you I would tell my husband right now that the one thing that is absolutely not tolerable is letting the family demonstrate to your children that what Mummy says can be ignored.

It's not harmless if they give your child juice when you have explicitly (and in front of your child) told them not to. Your son could easily take away the lesson from that sort of behaviour that he can ignore you. What if that lesson reappears when you tell him not to approach the big dog in the park, or not to touch the hot kettle?

Good luck, but I do think you need to act quickly to restore your place in the family heirarchy as the unquestioned authority figure when it comes to your children. If it puts a few noses out of joint, tough. Better than watching your child run across a road because who cares that Mummy said stop and stand still?

Mixedmama, my MIL is a royal pain in the rear, but I'd never stop her having a relationship with ds, I just have to cope. But your MIL is not a pain. She is VILE to you, and to her own son by causing such trouble in his marriage, and to your son by disrespecting his mother. There is no excuse, and as your son gets older he will be really hurt and upset by this. He won't suffer from not knowing his gp if they act this way - he will from hearing his mother disrespected by people he is expected to have respect for himself.

Your DH needs to take a long, hard look at this. I'm so very sorry you are having to handle such utterly outrageous nonsense, too.

"my hope is that altho he sees them behave this way, he will see the way we behave differently and most of his time is spent with my family and I hope that he realises it is wrong annd stands up and says so. that would be justice."

Not for your son, when he is shouted down and told how rude and disrespectful he is and how dare he talk to them that way. My father used to pull that stunt when I stood up for my mother, after their divorce. It's a horrible, horrible position to be in as a child. I'd not want my son in it - justice for you, but such hurt and confusion for him.

YANBU

They are awful but you must absolutely lay the law down now!
Make it clear to your dh and inlaws that you will not let them see your son and baby unless things change.
It's a cultural thing right?
Im so angry on your behalf.

This is an old thread, the OP was about two years ago.

You and your child are a package right now.

You are the child's mother. Your DH is the child's father. It is you who says what goes and what does not go.

Your ILs are showing you utter and total disrespect and no regard for your role as the mother. Yes, his mum had kids but her kids. This one is yours, not hers to with as she wishes.

Sounds like you do have to be very controlling yourself to stop these vile bullies from being so foul to you.

Get angry, stand up for yourself and tell them where to go. Don't send your DS to theirs by himself and DH. What are they giving him despite your parenting preferences? No kid ever got messed up by not seeing their GPs.

In short, fuck them until they start showing you some respect and do exactly as you say with regards to your child.

Didn't notice that it was old thread. Why are these old threads popping up? Annoying.

i wonder what the outcome was though....

does anyone know??

I am so sorry you are experiencing this - it is outright bullying and just not on - that is YOUR child.

I would not let him go there again. I am freaked out by him called them mammy YOU are his mammy.

The things you described as irrelevant collection of small things are not, these are YOUR choices as his mother (and they seem pretty good ones too! )

I hope you can find the strength whilst pregnant and most importantly support from DH to sort this.

My friend had a smiliar situation (seek family) and managed to extract herself from it after suffering depression and it took her a while to repair her marriage.

Best wishes for you and your DS

Continue to post on here too whenever you need support there are some great regular MNetters on here!

Oh - so its an old OP what has happend then?

POSTING IN CAPS TO GET THE POINT ACROSS......THIS IS AN OLD THREAD!!!

altho, I am now wondering if this is the one whose mad MIL pierced her DDs ears???

or even, whose mad MIL came on the site and ranted!!!