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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not continue to help friend

88 replies

QueenofDestruction · 07/01/2020 20:18

At the beginning of December my neighbour, who we have a very good relationship with and who we would consider a friend (but not of the close variety) had a terrible breakup with her partner. She caught him cheating whilst away on holiday and he tore up her plane ticket left her goes home and took all his things and a lot of hers and moved out. He stopped paying a lot of things including his half of the rent and took both their cars, she had recently reduced work hours due to his insistence and and as then left financially stranded. He was imo abusive but she was left as others before her in dire straits just before Christmas with a daughter (from previous relationship). She is a very good cook and gardener and asked me if She could help me out at home cooking and with odd jobs for an hourly rate, I doing really need any help but felt it was because she didn't want to ask for a hand out so I gave her £300 for helping bit when asked because it was Christmas coming up and she has a child I said she could make me a Christmas cake .
We only asked her to fetch a few things for us when she was going to the shops herself maybe 5 times in the month and if course don't expect repaymnet. We also supply her with say extra eggs when we buy, milk etc..

However, this month I got an email asking whether she can continue ' working' for us and I paid her again, but frankly feel resentful as a few.months were mentioned. I really don't want to leave a mother stranded but neither do I want to support her. I bought her really nice Christmas presents but feel she was a little grabby about them and also I felt she could have reciprocated at least with a few baked biscuits or something cheap.

When we paid her again she invited us around for dinner to Thank us and then had 'forgotten' which I might be being a selfish about but feel somehow mugged. I am worried about leaving her in a bad situation with a child to support but am feeling used.

I am thinking enough how to deal with it , do I continue to help out for a few months to May when she has another job starting, do I decrease the amount by £100 over the next 2 months or tell her that I won't be helping her from next month? I am also a neighbour and want the relationship to stay pleasant. I had always intended the help to be short lived.

Any advice on how to deal with it. I don't want to be selfish and part of me feels that I am extra resentful because she has not just come and say just trim a rosebush, provided a cake she baked or something like that. We don't expect her to work but she offered and I probably feel used that she didn't at least do I something. At this I don't mean hard labour just a token act.

She does have family and an ex husband who pays minimum but they also are all low earners and she won't be able to afford to stay next door without my help and I might end up with a worse neighbiur!

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 07/01/2020 21:29

Omg can I have £600 for nowt?

Cherrysoup · 07/01/2020 21:29

Bonkers situation! Just tell her you’re saving for a holiday and can no longer afford it. Easy.

Josette77 · 07/01/2020 21:31

Stop being a sucker. I used to do this with my sister until one day I realized she was a bloody grownup and I was subsidizing a 38 year old woman. She has her own choices to make. She's had a shit hand, but she is not your responsibility. She is a grown up and doesn't care about making you feel uncomfortable.

BloggersBlog · 07/01/2020 21:40

No good deed goes unpunished. You may well fall out with her as you are stopping the arrangement, but at least you wont be out of pocket. But you will probably fall out with her anyway as your resentment will build.

Only option if you dont want to stop the arrangement is to specify exactly what you want her to do. TBH I think you have been daft not to ask her to do things.''For £300 can you do 5 hours of cleaning/ironing and bake us a cake a week''. Not difficult.

But you have said you dont want her to clean for you...you should have come up with specific things then.

Dizzywizz · 07/01/2020 21:41

She is not your friend @QueenofDestruction. She is a cf who is taking advantage of you. Sorry.

NorthernLightss · 07/01/2020 21:45

I'd be way of using words like "pay" and "work" as that's not accurate, and could possibly cause problems. You haven't employed her, and you're not terminating any employment. Just say something about how you were happy to help out temporarily but obviously that can't continue, as pp have suggested offer to help her find out about benefits entitlement and looking for work etc if you wish.
I do think best to warn her now that you can't provide more financial handouts. She may be counting the days before she can ask again.

HollowTalk · 07/01/2020 21:52

There's no need to give her any warning - she only has to say, "I've given you £600 for god's sake and you haven't done anything for it. Are you really expecting me to give you more money?"

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/01/2020 21:59

If you give her any more money it'll definitely turn into an expectation that you'll help her out until May - and then she may need help in May as she won't get paid until the end of the month.

December-May=6 months, so £1,800.

If you want to help her financially and can afford to make such a generous gift, do it. But you may not want to/be able to.

Just assume it's a gift, because I don't think you'll be getting much in return!

SunshineCake · 07/01/2020 22:04

This is the most confusing thing I have ever read.

Would you feel better if you told yourself you gave money to help out a friend in need but it was never a long term plan. She's hardly worked for it. You do not need help. It's not sustainable.

Pumpkintopf · 07/01/2020 22:04

Tripleseptic's wording is excellent.

Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2020 22:07

Wtf? So she's not actually done any work? Good lord op you are a total mug!

I'd be wary of her version of events re break up too tbh..

Imelda03 · 07/01/2020 22:07

I agree with other posters that you should call and end to this. If you want to do so in a kind way then do although I feel she is knowingly taking advantage of you which is awful given your kindness.

If this becomes awkward then that is her issue. You have been very kind and if she repays that with anything other than kindness herself then she should be ashamed!

Thank you for being so kind OP regardless of what people think I personally admire your kindness and am sorry this woman has taken advantage.

Motoko · 07/01/2020 22:13

She needs to apply for benefits, help with her rent and council tax, and ask her employer to go back to her original hours. Not sponge off you.

And if someone will kick off if you don't give them money, when you have no obligation to, then they're not a good neighbour.

Stop being a mug OP.

Nsky · 07/01/2020 22:17

Always give one off gifts, never your sort of money, give advice and the like.
Seems the best way, bought folks bags of food too.
She is pushing her luck too

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/01/2020 22:19

Oh OP, you sound like a lovely, kind person but you are being taken for a mug! This happened to me. I was left overnight by my ex-h, I had a toddler about to be diagnosed with autism. He cut me off entirely and left me with exactly zero. My friend helped me too...she helped me apply for income support and tax credits and carer's allowance. She helped me get a council tax reduction and some help to keep the roof over our heads. She brought me round a chicken pie and left things on the doorstep as she knew I wasn't eating. She helped put me back together. That is being helpful and kind and supportive. Your "friend" is utterly taking the piss. She can apply for universal credit, she can apply for help with her mortgage interest/rent. Why on earth she thinks it's OK for you to bankroll her is beyond me. Please put a stop to this, or it won't stop. It really won't.

AloneLonelyLoner · 07/01/2020 22:21

Yup this is bonkers.

The text message suggestions above are good. Get one sent to her right now. You are happy to help her with things like babysitting while she has a job interview etc but can't afford to pay her.

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 07/01/2020 22:22

She is using your money to avoid having to pursue her ex for what he owes her in cars, rent, probably CMS too. You are effectively paying for her abusive ex to spend that £300 a month.

There is now written evidence that you employ her. What are you doing about tax? What if she decided to complain about you as an employer. Now I bet you say she won't do that but I bet you her abusive ex would do it. I also expect that £600 means she can avoid getting CMS involved, avoid getting her car back, avoid pursuing him for rent. You are lining an abusive man's pockets.

Stop. Immediately. Send a message saying not to worry about the list of jobs because you both know it isn't employment really. It was a gift of £600 to help her out. You are glad to have helped her out when she was desperate. No need to repay the money. This flags up that the money tap is off. If she tries it on again next month you can then say "That was a gift out of my own pocket. It can't be an ongoing arrangement."

Imagine how you'll feel if the DP moves back in and you've paid his rent for the last two months while he shagged around.

BritInUS1 · 07/01/2020 22:22

You need to tell her No, it was a one off and you are unable to 'employ' her on an ongoing basis

Presumably she declared the money you gave her !

BumbleBeee69 · 07/01/2020 22:22

I hope OP is typing a suitable response to this Cheeky Neighbours request to a regular income ?!

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/01/2020 22:26

Can I say also, £300 is a really odd amount of money, it's not enough to live off, pay bills, feed yourself and a child and pay your rent. I am wondering if she's reported this "employment" to UC because she'll get more in benefits. I might be wrong of course. Other than that, you're making up her "lost" wages because of the ex's "insistence". I'll bet there is a lot more to this than meets the eye.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/01/2020 22:26

Are you frightened of her?

Scared what she might do if you stop?

Leflic · 07/01/2020 22:28

I think she thinks you are happy with the situation given you keep paying her.
Obviously just be clear that’s it not an ongoing arrangement but if you need a cake or a runner party she’ll be the first to know.

She’s probably really struggling and my guess is that you helped a lot when her world fell apart. You don’t need to give her a job but don’t underestimate how much a tenner here or there for her services might help her out.

StripeyDeckchair · 07/01/2020 22:34

If shes your employee then you are liable to pay national insurance contributions, to deduct & pay tax, to make contributions to a pension scheme. If you do not do this and HMRC catch up with you then you are liable for all her tax nic & pension as well as your employer nic & pension and a fine.

Stop doing this immediately.
Tell her that you have been made aware of the tax implications of employing her and cannot afford them so you are ending the arrangement with immediate effect.

Floomph · 07/01/2020 22:35

Oh gosh, you are being an absolute mug. I get that you're doing something very kind out of concern for someone who's had a very bad time but this is not the way to help her. She will bleed you dry if you let this continue. You say you can afford it but actually it's not doing her any favours. Shit as her situation might be, she needs to stand on her own two feet. She's taking you for a ride at present. You've giving her a huge amount of money for nothing. She isn't your friend, she's using you.

Inherdefence · 07/01/2020 22:35

If you really feel you want to help her try this ‘ Hi neighbour, now Christmas is over and things have settled down a bit I just want to clarify your working arrangements. Shall we call it £12 .50 an hour for cleaning/cooking? If we start from January 1st that’s 24 hours this month. 3 hours twice a week would be best for me, preferably Tuesday and Thursday but I can be flexible. We’ll see how it goes and talk again in February.’