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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not continue to help friend

88 replies

QueenofDestruction · 07/01/2020 20:18

At the beginning of December my neighbour, who we have a very good relationship with and who we would consider a friend (but not of the close variety) had a terrible breakup with her partner. She caught him cheating whilst away on holiday and he tore up her plane ticket left her goes home and took all his things and a lot of hers and moved out. He stopped paying a lot of things including his half of the rent and took both their cars, she had recently reduced work hours due to his insistence and and as then left financially stranded. He was imo abusive but she was left as others before her in dire straits just before Christmas with a daughter (from previous relationship). She is a very good cook and gardener and asked me if She could help me out at home cooking and with odd jobs for an hourly rate, I doing really need any help but felt it was because she didn't want to ask for a hand out so I gave her £300 for helping bit when asked because it was Christmas coming up and she has a child I said she could make me a Christmas cake .
We only asked her to fetch a few things for us when she was going to the shops herself maybe 5 times in the month and if course don't expect repaymnet. We also supply her with say extra eggs when we buy, milk etc..

However, this month I got an email asking whether she can continue ' working' for us and I paid her again, but frankly feel resentful as a few.months were mentioned. I really don't want to leave a mother stranded but neither do I want to support her. I bought her really nice Christmas presents but feel she was a little grabby about them and also I felt she could have reciprocated at least with a few baked biscuits or something cheap.

When we paid her again she invited us around for dinner to Thank us and then had 'forgotten' which I might be being a selfish about but feel somehow mugged. I am worried about leaving her in a bad situation with a child to support but am feeling used.

I am thinking enough how to deal with it , do I continue to help out for a few months to May when she has another job starting, do I decrease the amount by £100 over the next 2 months or tell her that I won't be helping her from next month? I am also a neighbour and want the relationship to stay pleasant. I had always intended the help to be short lived.

Any advice on how to deal with it. I don't want to be selfish and part of me feels that I am extra resentful because she has not just come and say just trim a rosebush, provided a cake she baked or something like that. We don't expect her to work but she offered and I probably feel used that she didn't at least do I something. At this I don't mean hard labour just a token act.

She does have family and an ex husband who pays minimum but they also are all low earners and she won't be able to afford to stay next door without my help and I might end up with a worse neighbiur!

OP posts:
Emmelina · 07/01/2020 20:53

I’d nip it in the bud. She seems to ‘earn’ a lot from you for doing so little, for a start. And by working ‘off the books’ for you she and you are probably breaking the law in some way (benefit fraud etc.)
A new job starting in May? That sounds unlikely as it’s a very long way off! I start a new job mid February but it’s only that long away because they have to wait for DBS clearance first! I wonder if may will come around and her position is ‘delayed’ and she needs more to tide her over? She’s coming across as a CF to be honest.

olivertwistwantsmore · 07/01/2020 20:54

But op, if she had been genuine, she would have cooked for you and been desperate to work to repay the money you had paid her.

£300 = 30 hours of work from her at a generous £10 per hour.

I’d ask her to do 30 hours cleaning for you this month. She’s taking the piss and using you.

DarkDarkNight · 07/01/2020 20:54

She is not really working for you in any real capacity. I can’t believe she thinks what she has done for you is deserving of £300 a month.

It’s really sad that her ex has put her in this situation by insisting on her reducing her hours and then finishing with her but she surely can’t expect you to subsidise her life.

Has she done anything to help herself like asking her employer if she can increase her hours again? If not she needs to be doing this, looking for another job or looking to see if she is entitled to any benefits.

Letseatgrandma · 07/01/2020 20:57

I am quite good at No to people I don't know or at work

Ok, if you say so!

Flossyfloof · 07/01/2020 20:57

Omg don’t give her anything else! Or “pay” her! You sound immensely kind but you really must stop this.

TheBigFatMermaid · 07/01/2020 20:58

Pretty sure she'll be entitled to universal credit! She is probably a tally getting payments after all this time, which will include help with rent. No need for her to be getting money for nothing from you.

5zeds · 07/01/2020 20:59

Just tell her you were happy to help over the Christmas period but don’t need any domestic help going forward. This is a good chance to practice stating what you want. It will be empowering and the next time it will be easier.

katy1213 · 07/01/2020 20:59

You're entitled to a holiday. She is not your responsibility and nor is her child. And if you're paying her £300 a month to pick up the odd prescription for you, she'll never shift for herself because that's the cushiest 'job' she'll ever have. You should have drawn up a list of cleaning jobs that you expected to see done. Or made vague noises of sympathy and pointed her towards the ads in The Lady.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2020 21:00

If she can’t afford to live there without you paying her way she needs to get any benefits she’d qualify for, get any job she can ASAP, or move. If you get a new neighbour in her place at least they won’t have their hand out expecting you to give them your hard earned cash cos it’s easier than an actual job.

I’m gob smacked by this to be honest. It’s not and was never your responsibility to fund this woman.

Lulualla · 07/01/2020 21:01

If you simply wanted to make a one time gift then that's what you should have done. You've brought this entirely on yourself and you dont want to say no to her now so on your own head be it.

You're being a bit of a fool here. It was idiptic to start with but it's even worse now that she actually isn't even bothering to do any of the agreed "work". You're basically just giving your neigh our pocket money. Stop being such a fool.

It sounds like you arent going to say no though. She will give you another sob story... and you seem like you cant handle that so good luck but I think this thread is pointless if you wont actually follow through.

Obligatorync · 07/01/2020 21:02

I am sure she feels stressed and desperate...but she KNOWS she has taken £600 from you for doing absolutely bugger all, and so her email is deeply disingenuous.
She taking the piss OP. And how much does she respect the friendship if she will do that?

Obligatorync · 07/01/2020 21:03

On a 20k job that's 60 hours of work...and before tax.

Hatetheendof · 07/01/2020 21:03

Can't believe you've given her any money whatsoever, this won't end well.

misspiggy19 · 07/01/2020 21:03

**What on earth are you doing?

Just stop it. I really dont understand what the hello possessed you to start giving her £300 a month for what... a bit of cooking?**

^This. Are you crazy? Giving her £600 for nothing. This has to be a wind up.

HollowTalk · 07/01/2020 21:07

I agree you're crazy - there isn't anyone else in the world who would do that, OP.

You could've given that money to a food bank and fed a ton of people.

Beautiful3 · 07/01/2020 21:10

Oh my days, please stop paying her £300 per month to for nothing!!! She doesn't appreciate it, as shes asking for more! I cannot believe that you can afford to do this?! Why would you even continue. Please stop. Tell her, that you dont have anything for her. If she needs to move out then so be it. You are not to subsidize other peoples lives.

Tistheseason17 · 07/01/2020 21:13

Please email back the wording above suggested by PP.
Better to lose a friendly neighbour than have to continually pay them for, well... nothing.

Loveislandaddict · 07/01/2020 21:14

Could I be your neighbour? £300 to make a Christmas cake! Plus another £300 tax-free.

As someone said, at £10 per hour (above minimum wage), thats 60 hours work, maybe more as no tax as been paid.

Her financial predicament is not your responsibility. If you give her more money, then you will become resentful, and she will become reliant. Actually, you already feel resentful.

Send the text saying that you can no longer fund/employ her, and don’t feel guilty.

ferntwist · 07/01/2020 21:16

That’s terrible OP, she has really taken advantage of your good nature. You’ve already given her far more than most people would. The fact she acted a bit grabby about your kind Christmas presents tells you all you need to know. Be strong and stop all payments.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/01/2020 21:16

I would respond with sickandscared ‘s comments above. Break down the amount into 60 hours, tot up hours already worked, then whatever is left give her tasks, garden, filling your freezer with meals etc.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/01/2020 21:16

OMFG OP she saw you coming a mile off Grin

WTF are you doing Stop this NOW.... Flowers

FraglesRock · 07/01/2020 21:18

Dear neighbour please will you give me more money, let's round it up to a £1000 shall we? In return I'll make vague promises about cooking or baking for you, although if I'm already popping to the shops I'll grab something for you, don't forget to give me the money for your shopping though....

Nope!
"Hi cfn. I'm glad I've been of help over the past few months but unfortunately I can't continue our arrangement. See you soon. "

justthecat · 07/01/2020 21:18

Say sorry our circumstances have changed we need to cut back on all our out goings and don’t give a penny more !

Mookie81 · 07/01/2020 21:22

I voted YABU because this is one if the stupidest things I've ever heard of Xmas Hmm.

lborgia · 07/01/2020 21:24

You keep talking about not making things difficult as she’s a neighbour...but she has no such qualms!

Truly, it doesn’t matter if you can afford it, it’s your money not hers, and if you wanted to spend it all on a handbag, that would be your choice.

Sounds as if she is better off without this man, as is the child, but you providing a safety net is not going to help in the long run.

If it’s super awkward, then that’s on her.