Do you think this is normal?

[Finnyhaddock]

My friend and I both have grown up kids. She thinks it's normal for her kids to take her and their dad out for meals by way of thank yous for cHristmas hosting etc.
They buy her train tickets to visit them and often send flowers etc.
My DC don't do this as a rule. She thinks they should.
Is she BU or me?

Neither of you are.

Every family is different, when my DC say well so and so’s parents did x- I say - but I’m not so and so’s parent. Swap parent for child and same difference.

Her DC sound like they want their parents to know they’re appreciated, I think we’d all like to be treated like that.

Are her children the same age and do they have the same amount of spare income?

Sounds perfectly normal.
Perfectly normal not to too.

My parents don't let me pay. I've given up arguing.
Anything they don't spend 40% will go to HMRC anyway.

Do your DC so other things for you? Do you have more disposable income than your DC?

I think the odd meal/flowers etc is really lovely.
If your DC are financially able to then I think it's a lovely gesture but I don't think they 'should'.
Different families operate in different ways. Maybe they saw their parents doing such things for their grandparents etc.
I try to pay for the odd meal when I meet up withy mum and will treat her to a meal after hosting/ taking children out for days in the holidays ( she asks to have DC) etc.

I take my parents out for dinner occasionally because it's easier to leave than it is to get rid of them if they come to our house...

Sounds quite normal. I loved taking my mum out for meals.

My mum would never let us pay for a meal if we went out together so it wouldn't be a go-er! But I do send flowers to say thank you for various things.

I'm almost 40 and my parents still won't let me pay most of the time. I tend to sneak off and pay when they're not looking though. They're far more well off than us but that isn't the point, we can afford to pay for them so we do, when we can

If we didn't, that would be fine too, there isn't a set rule of 'should' or 'shouldn't'

As foe what's 'normal', I think every family dynamic is different. My mum would be a bit confused if I bought her train tickets, but she values thoughtful mindings as opposed to monetary contributions, so she wouldn't really accept me paying for her to visit us or or for a meal out (believe me, I've tried with this one!), but she does like a card or a bunch of flowers, if that makes sense.

My DH will take my dad out most weeks for a meal or two ( paid for by me) if I’m not at home .They get on well with each other and enjoy each other’s company
I paid for my Dad to come out with us on Christmas Day for our Christmas meal
If I am at home then we often take him and my mum when she was alive out for meals and have paid for day trips and uk holidays for them and theatre trips

We are well off and can afford to do this and I like to treat my parents / Dad

Her kids, and mine, are all in their 20s and I would say our financial situations, and the kids' are pretty similar.
My kids do tend to take things for granted but to me they are still quite young in many ways.
I wasn't able to be a SAHM when they were young, my friend was and I think maybe I do baby them to compensate for when they were younger.
And in some ways I think she is boasting that she is a better mum!

Neither of you are BU

My parents always want to pay and it turns into a row. However, they don't pay for our train tickets and I know they feel bad that we have to pay hundreds of pounds to go and see them.

Either is normal, it's up to each of you to do it how you want.

And in some ways I think she is boasting that she is a better mum!

That's your issue OP - not whether one's children should or should not treat parents. There's no right or wrong about that aspect.

Is it that instead of saying [for instance], 'We're going out for dinner with Jane and John' she's deliberately emphasising that Jane and John are paying? If so YANBU.

I take my parents out for the occasional meal, but its very dependent on circumstances. You say your kids are in their 20's, are they still living at home? I can understand if they're still at home and trying to save to move out they may not be as generous, but each family is different. I certainly don't pay the cost of my parents travel, but they don't pay the cost of mine. But if they're at my house, I pay for the food and drink, and certainly don't expect a meal to say thank you, and vice versa.

I don't tend to pay for my parents, I've got 2 small kids and a mortgage to pay and they've got more disposable income than me.

Neither is unreasonable. Some people wouldn't want meals and tickets.

FWIW my 18yo has bought me lunch a few times. He earns pretty well in his part-time job and wants to thank me for the help he gets like free accomodation during uni holidays.

Telling bone I think you have hit the nail on the head. All of the kids have left home and are earning well but don't have the income we do.
It's the boasting that is annoying and the implication that my kids are not 'as good'/ appreciative/well brought up!
It's probably true but I'm a bit long in the tooth for lessons on parenthood at 55!

Tbh I think her children are treating their parents as though they've retired on a small pension.

Other way round for me, I always expect to treat my kids and would feel bad the other way around.

Doesn’t it depend on relative incomes too? I have a lot more money than my parents, who worked hard in poorly-paid manual jobs and now have small pensions, so I like to buy them meals and flights.