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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Domestic Violence - Help me understand the right course please

44 replies

BigJouJou · 07/01/2020 12:49

My partner has attacked me (punch, kick, bite, spit in face, kick in balls, throw metal objects (ashtray) at, smash stuff up, wave carving knife around, headbutt etc) on a semi regular basis over the course of the last couple of years and regularly attacked themselves (punch wall leading to broken hand, biting themselves, headbutt wall) and then turned it on me when I try to stop them hurting themselves.

I'm not whiter than white in this, I have been verbally unpleasant to the person in arguments over the years, I've lost my temper and smashed stuff up, and on one single occasion I, to my shame, gave them alight slap on each cheek to get their attention when they said something that hurt my feels. Other than that I think the only time I've touched them without their consent has been to try and restrain them when they were hurting themselves or attacking me.

We had an argument that resulted in me asking them to leave for the night and offering them money so they could get a hotel, which they started ripping up. When I tried to take the money they hadn't picked up and ripped yet they started kicking me so I grabbed their legs and tried to pull them off the bed to get them to leave the house. I got arrested for that, and the long and short of it is that despite no charges being made against me I now can’t go to my house for a fortnight.

AIBU to report all that violence against me that has taken place? It’s not in my nature to speak to the police but I feel like I am being totally fucked over here. At some point it’s likely I’m going to have to live in the same house as this person again even if it’s only for a short period, and I feel like if I don’t report the history of violence that I’m in a vulnerable position legally and that no one will listen to the truth in the future if there are any more incidents.

Don’t really know wtf to do here, feel totally lost and fucked over. I’m right in thinking that even if I’m being an arsehole in an argument that it’s not ok to physically attack me right? I’m confused about what I even think is right or wrong now.

OP posts:
SilverSurfer2020 · 07/01/2020 13:02

I would report it yes, definitely.

But why would you be living in the same house again with them? It seems like there no way you should (continue to) be involved with them.

Original poster
BigJouJou · 07/01/2020 13:04

We are both on the tenancy agreement for the flat, I can't kick them out.

OP posts:
BlueSuffragette · 07/01/2020 13:07

Yes report it. Sounds like your relationship is not a healthy one. I suggest you seek support and find a way to move on with your life.

EmeraldShamrock · 07/01/2020 13:08

Start fresh by any means possible.
You can't go back there, I take it you are a man there probably isn't much refuge for a male victim of domestic abuse.
Can you stay with family.
Do you own the property or rent, cut your losses it is never going to get better.
Name and shame to police, report this so another person doesn't become a victim.

EmeraldShamrock · 07/01/2020 13:09

Tenancy then move on, I'd rather sleep on a bench than near your vicious ex.

BovaryX · 07/01/2020 13:10

Hi,
It sounds like you are in a very dangerous, violent relationship. You have been subjected to many assaults and as you are probably already aware, the violence is escalating. Please try to remove yourself from the situation and get away from your partner. Can you leave? You should not have to live like this. Can you move out without him knowing?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 07/01/2020 13:14

Why wouldn't there be recourse for male victims of interpersonal couple violence?

Where I live, the local council has an obligation to house any victim of domestic abuse even if they don't have a local connection.

Op, have a look at support for men locally or post your area and I will look for you.

Hopefully it's UK and not eg Cyprus but I could help if it's somewhere I know like Egypt.

SilverSurfer2020 · 07/01/2020 13:16

they started kicking me so I grabbed their legs and tried to pull them off the bed to get them to leave the house.

I'm sure youve learned from this experience that your only option is to leave and phone the police.

ohwheniknow · 07/01/2020 13:16

I’m right in thinking that even if I’m being an arsehole in an argument that it’s not ok to physically attack me right?

Correct. But abusers like to try and convince you it's your fault so they can get away with it.

You can report to the police. They can only help if you ask.

Women's Aid are 0808 2000 247

And the Freedom Programme course can help you unravel the mess this has made of your head www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Honeybee85 · 07/01/2020 13:17

It’s time to move on and end this relationship.
I have been in one where my ex got very violent and it will NOT stop.

Do you really want to look back on your life at 80 years old and realize this what it was for the most part? If you even live up to 80, sadly many women get murdered by their violent partners.

Don’t give up on life and don’t think this is the best you can do. There is always a way out and you can start again.

Please report him and move out asap.

SilverSurfer2020 · 07/01/2020 13:20

I would speak to your landlord or agent (or citizens advice )about what to do about tenancy in these circumstances. I'm sure this crops up a lot, with or without violence.

Can you stay with anyone or afford anything til you can get out of tenancy agreement.

Maybe someone with experience can advise (I have nine of exiting a joint tenancy agreement)..

SilverSurfer2020 · 07/01/2020 13:22

If posters would read the op, they'd see it mentions being kicked in balls, so I presume this is a male poster with either a female or male partner.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 07/01/2020 13:22

OP - are you male or female? That makes a difference in terms of who to contact for help

Either way you need to get out of there before someone is seriously hurt or killed.

ImNotACuntYoureACunt · 07/01/2020 13:24

The safest course of action is to split up now and one of you moves out. If he/she isn’t prepared to then you will have to. I don’t doubt it will cost you money but in the longterm what other choice is there? Someone will end up dead at this rate. Are there children in the home?

ImNotACuntYoureACunt · 07/01/2020 13:25

I assumed OP is a man as they mention being kicked in the balls.

Zzzxxx · 07/01/2020 13:28

I was in an abusive marriage physically and verbally my ex husband liked a drink . every time he hit me I left but he promised me he would never do it again but he did do it it was about another 5 times that I left and went back believing he would change but he never did . In the end I said it's either our marriage or drink and he chose drink so that said it all to me . It really was the best thing to leave it was difficult tho to start all over again being a single parent . Please find some strength to leave this toxic relationship it pains me when I read stories like this it doesn't matter if your male or female NO ONE should ever abuse you physically or verbally that is not love you deserve so much better

Original poster
BigJouJou · 07/01/2020 13:31

I'm male, I don't think that really matters in relation to the rights and wrongs of this equation though.

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 07/01/2020 13:42

There are local charities that support people who have been subjected to domestic abuse. Have a look on line as to what is available in your area. Many support men as well as women. Every area is different - your local council web page should identify what there is in your area.

If you were arrested, were you interviewed? I would certainly tell the police the bigger picture. Go back and ask to speak with them. Ask to speak to someone trained in DV.

Livebythecoast · 07/01/2020 13:49

Are you in the UK OP?
There is a domestic violence mens advice line 0808 801 0327.
Nobody, men or women deserve to be treated like this.

LexMitior · 07/01/2020 13:55

You are playing with fire. Leave, report the violence but accept that it may go nowhere due to the timing of your allegation.

That’s not fair to you - but if you don’t leave and still see this person who has been violent to you any capacity then it is unlikely that you will be believed and you will get questions as to why you are still talking or meeting. Further contact with anyone who claims to have been abused by that person they are talking with means relatively little credibility unless there is a very serious incident later on.

Do not be such an incident. Protect yourself - that means no contact. Woman or man, if you are still talking to your abuser but also making allegations of abuse, then don’t imagine you will get much help. And continued contact often escalated matters.

Oksanna · 07/01/2020 13:57

This reply has been deleted

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Poppinjay · 07/01/2020 14:00

@Oksanna WTF?

That post made me feel sick and makes you sound like an abuser.

JaniceBattersby · 07/01/2020 14:00

I’m pretty sure, whoever the blame lies with, it’s not the victim Oksanna

There are male refuges, although spaces are very limited.

Of course you should report this. I see quite a few male victims of DV in court. They are taken seriously both by the courts and the police.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/01/2020 14:00

Reported.

ElfrideSwancourt · 07/01/2020 14:00

Oksanna that's an awful, victim-blaming thing to say - it's total rubbish OP don't listen to her.

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