Domestic Violence - Help me understand the right course please

[BigJouJou]

My partner has attacked me (punch, kick, bite, spit in face, kick in balls, throw metal objects (ashtray) at, smash stuff up, wave carving knife around, headbutt etc) on a semi regular basis over the course of the last couple of years and regularly attacked themselves (punch wall leading to broken hand, biting themselves, headbutt wall) and then turned it on me when I try to stop them hurting themselves.

I'm not whiter than white in this, I have been verbally unpleasant to the person in arguments over the years, I've lost my temper and smashed stuff up, and on one single occasion I, to my shame, gave them alight slap on each cheek to get their attention when they said something that hurt my feels. Other than that I think the only time I've touched them without their consent has been to try and restrain them when they were hurting themselves or attacking me.

We had an argument that resulted in me asking them to leave for the night and offering them money so they could get a hotel, which they started ripping up. When I tried to take the money they hadn't picked up and ripped yet they started kicking me so I grabbed their legs and tried to pull them off the bed to get them to leave the house. I got arrested for that, and the long and short of it is that despite no charges being made against me I now can’t go to my house for a fortnight.

AIBU to report all that violence against me that has taken place? It’s not in my nature to speak to the police but I feel like I am being totally fucked over here. At some point it’s likely I’m going to have to live in the same house as this person again even if it’s only for a short period, and I feel like if I don’t report the history of violence that I’m in a vulnerable position legally and that no one will listen to the truth in the future if there are any more incidents.

Don’t really know wtf to do here, feel totally lost and fucked over. I’m right in thinking that even if I’m being an arsehole in an argument that it’s not ok to physically attack me right? I’m confused about what I even think is right or wrong now.

Your sex has no bearing on the rights and wrongs OP, but as PP have mentioned it does make a difference in terms of signposting for support.

It sounds like the relationship is toxic, and that you are not faultless, but it does sound like you need to get yourself out of there rather than stay if you can.

‘Them’? Why are you trying to conceal the gender of your partner and yourself? You don’t sound like a masculine man. Maybe it’s driving your partner nuts and she can feel your weakness so she knows she can take advantage of you. - This is fucking disgusting. There is nothing wrong with a man being feminine, there is everything wrong with victim blaming regardless of the victim's sex. What is wrong with you @Oksanna?

OP I'm worried you aren't taking the violence seriously enough. This sounds like very violent and I worry if you stay, even in a short capacity you might end up getting seriously hurt. I don't think you should go back at all.

There's nothing feminine about him ffs

@easyandy101 why bother writing this? Seriously.

A - because he's not feminine

B- cos you are horrible

Unsure which bit you've taken issue with

@Oksanna Just because you've never encountered something doesn't prevent it's existence. Both men and women present as varyingly feminine/masculine and I've never known either masculine women or feminine men be precluded from all romantic or sexual attraction because of it. It's a matter of taste, surely? Regardless, your attitude is not a helpful one on the topic of domestic violence. If OP should expect a battering for being "weak", then perhaps my DH should be putting me in my place for being a bit of a gobshite?

You are indeed a cunt Oksanna, please don't read their posts OP.

Bloody hell. That kind of victim blaming should equal some kind of ban. Inexcusable and downright dangerous.

I hope you take other advice from this thread OP. If the men’s helpline is anything like women’s aid they will be a mine of helpful information and support (I’ve previously had lots of help from WA). Good luck.

Yeah I don't think I'm a particularly feminine man tbh, not that it has any bearing on this.

I wouldn't say that I was particularly weak or vulnerable either given that I'm 6'5" and 13.5 stone.

As I've said I have been no angel in this relationship. I'm in therapy at the moment because of my tendency to snap at people and be condescending which was programmed in to my by shit parenting when I was a small child. I know that my partner found that very difficult in the early days of the relationship and I recognise that it was really upsetting for her and that I'm only just coming round to fixing that stuff recently. I have also lost my temper and smashed stuff in the house before now.

Really I'm just trying to guage how I should be reacting to this because on the one hand it seems to me that there's no excuse for violence and that whilst I have been a difficult person to be in a relationship with that doesn't mean I should be attacked, but then I find myself thinking yeah I have been an arsehole and yeah I did push their buttons sometimes or say something mean.

I posted on mumsnet because I wanted to get the opinion of some females as the other website I post on is predominantly male. I'm trying to portray things as accurately as possible so I can get a genuine view on the situation, but we all have an unconscious bias towards ourselves I guess to some degree.

I was keeping it gender neutral because I didn't think our respective genders were that relevant to how the situation should be treated in terms of morality.

Oh, and it's going to take a bit more to upset me than a few mean posts, thanks for calling them out though.

I would actually encourage the moderators to not block any posts and let them say what they want to say, I believe in freedom of speech.

I believe in freedom of speech too OP but there was no need for that poster to be an arsehole and it's only right they were called out.

You sound pretty self aware and like you're trying to deal with your own issues which is a great start. I would have the same worries as you legally and wonder whether one of the DV services PP's posted would be best to advise on how you make sure your side of things is represented? Or maybe even the police DV unit? I do think it needs to at least be on record though.

I can see that your living situation is difficult but I also can't help thinking the two of you really shouldn't be under the same roof, however short term so trying to find a way round that would probably be my other priority in your shoes. Again DV services may have some suggestions so speaking to them would be my first port of call.

Even if you're being an arsehole (and if you are, you sound like something of a reflective arsehole) nobody deserves violence.
A kick to your testicles could cause torsion, a trip to the hospital if you're lucky and possible infertility.

Just do what you can to get yourself out if this situation in the knowledge that you did not cause her violence towards you.

She is responsible for her actions.
You are responsible for yours.

Sometimes people wind each other up. If wound up people choose to commit assault then they are in the wrong.

are you still living in the same house as this person now?

I think you need to end this relationship.

She is definitely violent, and you are questioning whether it's your fault and whether you do it back. This is a toxic relationship and it's not going to get better.

She waves carving knives at you, she hits you, she throws stuff at you. Even if you are condescending, that's not acceptable, is it?

You need to end it. You are not her punching bag.

Do you have children together?

gave them alight slap on each cheek to get their attention when they said something that hurt my feels.

I'm 6'5" and 13.5 stone

I have also lost my temper and smashed stuff in the house before now.

Physical violence is never justifiable. It is not great that you have been verbally abusive but that doesn't mean you deserve to be physically attacked. It is often incredibly difficult to decide what to do about your own situation. I find that it helps to think of a sibling, child, or friend (real or imaginary) and what you would advise them to do.

IME, the police, your GP, and most people will take DV and/or DA very seriously. Feel free to confide in someone you trust. Most agencies can signpost local services.

You haven't been charged so maybe think of this fortnight as an enforced breathing space? I hope you have somewhere safe to stay while you consider your next steps. At the very least, you're in a toxic relationship and you'd both be happier if you separated. If you can't think of anyone you want to talk to and you don't feel able to speak to the police, go to your GP surgery. (Ask to chat with the practice manager if you don't want to explain anything to the receptionist or can't get a walk-in appointment.)

Your gender is only relevant for some gender-specific services eg male refuge/shelters, etc. DV is unacceptable regardless of the person's gender. You cannot force your partner to leave their home without taking legal action; you need to consider your housing options if she won't leave and you cannot get a non-mol. (I assume it is in joint names.) You cannot drag someone off the furniture even if they are ripping up banknotes; what you did was assault and you were released due to lack of sufficient evidence. Self-defence only applies if it is proportionate. You are not guiltless in your actions but you have suffered more historical DV than your partner. Good luck and stay safe!