To accept my son is violent and walk away

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Sorry this may be long. I have written about my son a good while ago and don’t want to go over all the details here. To summarise the latest situation. He is in his mid twenties. He lives with his girlfriend supporting them both, no children, she is bulimic but won’t seek medical help. Poor accommodation. He works but spends a fair bit of his wage on some drink and certainly cannabis, this affects his mood.

In the last year he has attacked his GF 3 times the last ending up in custody although was released the next day with possibly no further action taken although there was talk of a non molestation order, not sure what happened or if I can find out if one was made. The attacks were serious and violent certainly GBH. To be honest I feel cross with the police inaction but fearful of what would happen to him if he was jailed.

After the first incident ( police involvement but no action) we persuaded him to seek help with his addiction/ anger management/ stress to try and get him back on the right track. He never went to the appointments.

We didn’t know about the second incident until the third six months ago. The third time the police did arrest him, but only held him over night. He refused medical assistance but also claimed some sort of psychotic behaviour had led him to attacking his GF. ( thought he was attacking someone else which I don’t really believe TBH) . Police ended up taking no action although as I said before did consider non molestation order.

After that he agreed to give up drinking. Still took cannabis which I believe is affecting him but he did seem to be making an effort. Things slipped again though during the autumn.

Contact had been sparse , no means to contact him except through his place of work which is not ideal. He had no phone . He does have an email but no means to check it and apparently uses a new one more now I didn’t know this. GF went NC with her family . She had refused to press charges and was against non molestation order, police had contacted her mother because she was a witness to the incident as was a neighbour who called the police. she is wholly financially dependent on him and doesn’t want to work or move out . Impossible to even knock on door of shared accommodation as there is no bell. So very little contact unless he wants something eg money or gifts.

He is back drinking again ( although he maintains small amounts) and still taking cannabis. How he manages to hold down a job is beyond me but he does. It is clear from a brief meet up after Xmas he still has anger issues. Quick to rise to temper.

So how do I feel about him. I was appalled after the first incident and probably in shock . Couldn’t express any affection to him but tried to keep the door open. After the third time. I found it difficult to communicate but did write an email to old address which he received basically saying sort himself out or leave his GF for her sake if he couldn’t guarantee her safety. Tried to help with practical support and assistance but no reciprocal contact.

Now he is drinking again , it seems this will not end well. He won’t accept that he needs to get help and wants to brush the last year under the carpet and not be judged by anyone. ( we were trying to help him so the courts would not end up judging him - in all likelihood harshly) I still feel for his GF but she is choosing her path too.

His birthday is coming up , my DH who generally feels the same as me would be inclined to send a card . I can’t even bring myself to do that .
I just want to walk away .

Thanks for reading

Gosh. As his parent, this mid-20s man who has assaulted a woman 3 times needs his parents, and the police, to be as absolutely judgmental as they possibly can.

I didn’t say she shouldn’t condemn the violence (she should), I said she should keep lines of communication nonjudgmental. Because if you actually want to support people in a way that makes it most likely they will sort themselves out, rather than just being in it to make yourself feel righteous, you need to provide a place where they won’t feel judged.

I knew before I even opened this thread that cannabis would be involved somewhere. It is horrendous that your son who you presumably love or loved has been changed so much and I think that the drugs and alcohol will have a large part to play in this, although he is of course responsible for his own actions.

I would leave the door ajar. Maybe by sending a card, maybe by being more clear and letting him know outright that you will there there for him if he ever decides to change his behaviour. That you love him, but not what he has done and that you need to step away.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Regarding his GF, she has to want to get help. Obviously the police should be chasing this up regardless but they can't make her leave him or stop going back for more, all they can do is address his crimes. You can't force her any more than the police can to give him up. It is sad and all you can do is be there for her and hope she reaches out to services. I live in the SW too and may be able to point you in the direction of DV services as I know someone who works in this area. Let me know and I could ask them.
The very best of luck to you.

BoomBoomsCousin
I didn’t say she shouldn’t condemn the violence
I didn't say you did.

I said she should keep lines of communication nonjudgmental
I know you did. I disagreed, and still do.

you need to provide a place where they won’t feel judged.
No you don't. A man who assaults women is being judged from the first moment he beat her up, and is and should be judged from that point onwards. That's the reality.

What you mean is the OP and other parents should pretend or hide her judgment. The violent son has the space to behave better. It's called his life.

Fuck me, what a sad situation. It’s hard for anyone (including me) to understand what this must be like if they haven’t been through it themselves but the received wisdom about people like your son seems to be “don’t steal their rock bottom”. It sounds like he needs a hard shock to snap out of this pattern of behaviour is in (especially the drink and smoke) and maybe a strategic withdrawal on your part would be a step toward this.

Sorry, reading that back that sounded a bit shit like I was saying the worst thing there was the substance misuse. Obviously the DV is far worse but I bet the drink and the blow are making him more likely to act like that. Hope that clarifies what I meant, sorry for any misunderstanding.

Oh dear OP what a difficult situation.

One thing you absolutely must get your head around though is that he has not attacked her 3 times he has been verbally, physically and (sorry to say this most likely) sexually aggressive towards her many many more times than that, but on 3 times his attacks escolated and were so serious and or so public that the police were called. I'm not saying that to hurt you but so that your eyes are wide open so you are more realistic and therfore prepared and able to support him or her should they decide to ask for help.

With regards to the police its hard for them to get a conviction if the only witness is his girlfriend and she won't support one, but hopefully the arrest her parents witnessed is going to be prosecuted. The delay might be for a trial if he's denying it and her withdrawal from her parents might be an attempt to stop them being witnesses against him.

Unfortunately if he or she doesn't want help you can't help, just hope the courts intervenw. Do report any further violence and it gives them more options.

Did he have anything to do with her going NC with her parents? I.e. did he pressure her to?

What do people expect the op to do about that woman? She is an adult, op cant drag her away and neither is it her responsibility to do so.

I work with violent offenders and get to know their families although haven't been in this position myself. I would be keeping open communication with him, letting him know that I will continue to be his mother and when he is ready to make positive decisions for his future I will be there to help him emotionally. Don't get involved in the day to day shit that he is bringing on himself. Don't get involved in his relationship unless his partner comes to you directly. Don't give him money. I would acknowledge his birthday and try and sit down with him for a supportive chat from time to time but don't get sucked in.
You'll probably be visiting him in prison soon, sadly. He does still deserve to have a relationship with his mum, despite his poor choices recently imo.

Sorry you are going thru this, OP.
You can't fix this. It's not your fault.
I couldn't bear to watch it so would go Low contact but door open.

Don’t think the last incident is going to court. I understand from her mum that they let him go without a caution even which I don’t think they can give anyhow. She was a witness but on the phone not there . Maybe evidence is an issue, I don’t know.

I am worried about another incident and wish a non molestation order was in place to help prevent that I don’t think he would have gone back to drinking if there had.

Her decision to go NC was hers I am pretty sure. Whilst I wish her no harm she is not an easy person to live with and her mum found her hard to deal with .

Despite what your DS has done I would also leave the door open in fact I think I would seek help in your shoes. I mean help for yourself from an experienced family therapist and talk it through.
Does your DS have mental health issues?

What a difficult/sad state of affairs.