To accept my son is violent and walk away

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Sorry this may be long. I have written about my son a good while ago and don’t want to go over all the details here. To summarise the latest situation. He is in his mid twenties. He lives with his girlfriend supporting them both, no children, she is bulimic but won’t seek medical help. Poor accommodation. He works but spends a fair bit of his wage on some drink and certainly cannabis, this affects his mood.

In the last year he has attacked his GF 3 times the last ending up in custody although was released the next day with possibly no further action taken although there was talk of a non molestation order, not sure what happened or if I can find out if one was made. The attacks were serious and violent certainly GBH. To be honest I feel cross with the police inaction but fearful of what would happen to him if he was jailed.

After the first incident ( police involvement but no action) we persuaded him to seek help with his addiction/ anger management/ stress to try and get him back on the right track. He never went to the appointments.

We didn’t know about the second incident until the third six months ago. The third time the police did arrest him, but only held him over night. He refused medical assistance but also claimed some sort of psychotic behaviour had led him to attacking his GF. ( thought he was attacking someone else which I don’t really believe TBH) . Police ended up taking no action although as I said before did consider non molestation order.

After that he agreed to give up drinking. Still took cannabis which I believe is affecting him but he did seem to be making an effort. Things slipped again though during the autumn.

Contact had been sparse , no means to contact him except through his place of work which is not ideal. He had no phone . He does have an email but no means to check it and apparently uses a new one more now I didn’t know this. GF went NC with her family . She had refused to press charges and was against non molestation order, police had contacted her mother because she was a witness to the incident as was a neighbour who called the police. she is wholly financially dependent on him and doesn’t want to work or move out . Impossible to even knock on door of shared accommodation as there is no bell. So very little contact unless he wants something eg money or gifts.

He is back drinking again ( although he maintains small amounts) and still taking cannabis. How he manages to hold down a job is beyond me but he does. It is clear from a brief meet up after Xmas he still has anger issues. Quick to rise to temper.

So how do I feel about him. I was appalled after the first incident and probably in shock . Couldn’t express any affection to him but tried to keep the door open. After the third time. I found it difficult to communicate but did write an email to old address which he received basically saying sort himself out or leave his GF for her sake if he couldn’t guarantee her safety. Tried to help with practical support and assistance but no reciprocal contact.

Now he is drinking again , it seems this will not end well. He won’t accept that he needs to get help and wants to brush the last year under the carpet and not be judged by anyone. ( we were trying to help him so the courts would not end up judging him - in all likelihood harshly) I still feel for his GF but she is choosing her path too.

His birthday is coming up , my DH who generally feels the same as me would be inclined to send a card . I can’t even bring myself to do that .
I just want to walk away .

Thanks for reading

@steppenmum so sorry you've being all offended and triggered by someone else's point of view because it doesn't chime with you own

I have a bit of a similar situation to this in my family. My DB is /has been a heavy drinker and does things in drink that he would never do sober. He has a volatile relationship with his partner (1 young child together), and she often throws him out but always takes him back. He has been prosecuted for assaulting her in the past (case dropped as she failed to turn up to give evidence). Our parents are always very angry at the time, but always quickly minimise the events / make excuses for it ("she drives him to temper") / decide we should all "put it behind us and move on". Like the OP's DS, my DB was a heavy cannabis user throughout his teens and early 20s and I believe this changed his brain chemistry.

Some time ago, he sexually assaulted a young friend of mine while very drunk. As a result, I haven't seen him since, but my parents have continued much as before and although his DP eventually found out what had happened (my parents and brother having tried to keep it from her), they are still together. DM is keen to tell me at every opportunity how much DB has improved, and how he's a real family man now. I hope that is true, but I can't just pretend these horrendous events never happened, which is what seems to be expected by the rest of my family. The result is that I am estranged from my family. DM would never ever cut ties with DB. I sort of understand that (I am a mum too), but I also think that if he had been left to face the consequences of his behaviour years ago, maybe some of the more recent awful events wouldn't have happened.

Goodness, I wouldn't go NC. I'd increase contact. You can't 'leave him to it' with his poor GF who doesn't sound like she is in a state to leave herself.

If you leave him it will only get worse for his GF.

You not sending him a card isn't going to make you or his Dad feel better OP. I would keep the door open tbh. You don't have to do anything just send a card/present for their Birthdays/Christmas . If he becomes clean and back to a normal functioning human being in future you will want to have a relationship with him & his DC won't you ? Just sending a card leaves the door every so slightly ajar. Good luck to you my dear

Florence

I didn't disagree that it is complicated, I took issue with your wholly offensive comment that we needed to THINK and engage our brain cells etc beofre commenting.
In your latest post you do it again, assuming that commentators have toddlers, while you, the parent of a 22 year old know all about it.

I have grown up kids.
I have thought about it.
I have engaged brain cells.
I am perfectly capable of commenting with thought and experience and saying something different to you.

I would be leaving him to it.

@steppenmum so sorry you've being all offended and triggered by someone else's point of view because it doesn't chime with you own

no, I was offedned by you telling everyone that they had no brain cells and hadn't THOUGHT before commentating.

You wre bloody rude, and have posted again being bloody rude.

You can express your opinion without telling everyone else that they are idiots.

All you can do is be supportive to the girlfriend so that she knows it's not her fault and that she deserves better and reinforce to your son that he needs help as he is abusing someone he is supposed to love. I would have to be low contact though as it must be soul destroying for you. In my experience your son will not change or address his issues until it negatively impacts his life and even then they do not change. 💐 for you for not just sticking up for your son and making excuses, as a lot of parents would do.

@2bees

First of all don't blame the police. It sounds like they have done the maximum possible given that the victim is not cooperative which makes it near impossible for them to proceed beyond holding him overnight.

I get your worry and angry partners are a real worry to vulnerable women as most murders in the U.K. are domestic based.

The reality is that if he is drinking and taking drugs...strong weed can fry his brain and make him like it is, it will be difficult for anyone to reason with him. It sounds like you have done everything you can. I suppose the only thing left is a joint approach to the police to reinforce how vulnerable his girlfriend is from his violence and they may be able to mark their computer response system with concerns although any report of domestic abuse would be attended as a emergency or priority.

Aside from that ..yes low contact

This is such a difficult situation for you OP - I'd send you flowers if my system allowed me to.

You can see that he and GF need help ... but they are adults now and you no longer have the power that is required.

Watching - unable to help- from the wings is so hard. I can see why you might need to remove yourself from that pain...

In the end though, whatever he does or says, he is still your son as well. How far can you escape?

I'd say
hate and reject his addition
hate and reject his behaviour when angry
hate and reject his way of living
hate and reject his treatment of his GF
hate and reject his way of treating you and your DH
hate the powerlessness you have in the face of all these things

But
give yourself permission to continue to love the son you know.
No doubt he is still inside somewhere.

For now, all you can do is wait and hope that he turns his addiction/anger around. Believe that it can happen but be very kind to yourself as you wait.

Perhaps send your son a birthday card with a letter, sayin how much you love him and that his addiction is now damaging you, so as his using is not something you are in control of, you are going to step back to protect yourself from the damage which is being caused by his life style. The moment your son wants to make things different, is prepared to put the effort in you will be there for him to support him. Until then, you are leaving him free to experience the consequences of his own choices.

Then detach with love. (google it there is some great information about this on line).

Im about 12 years the other side of a similar scenario although thank god my son threw a plate at the wall and punched the door. It took about a year for him to hit rock bottom, then he started to pull himself up. Life is very different for him now and has been for a while, so Im sure there is hope for you son too.

@ohwheniknow

Abuse is complex and he will have fucked with her head. He will have told her it's her fault he assaults her, that he can't help himself because he loves her so much, that nobody else will love her like he does, that she won't cope on her own, that you all have it in for them and don't want them to be together

I am sure this is what he has told her but I can’t get through to her, believe me I have tried. I am certainly not blaming her but at my wits ends as to how to protect her. I am blaming my son.

If I were in your situation I would carefully make sure that she knows when she is ready you and her mum (if her mum is willing) will help her/the children leave him and access help but you are not willing to condone his behaviour or watch her suffer at his hands anymore so you have no choice but to step back.

Then do it, she may never be ready or feel able to leave him but if she knows you are ready to help if she ever is or feels able at least she knows a person to go to.

If children are involved I'm not sure if there are I may have missed the answer I'd consider getting in touch with ss too even though that then make the gf see you as someone who isn't an ally.

I think you need to call Women's Aid, explain the situation, and ask what they advise in terms of supporting the GF. I have no idea what would be the best thing in this situation and I don't think it's fair to expect you to, either. I'd also contact Adfam, who exist to support the families of drug addicts and alcoholics. This situation won't surprise or shock them, I suspect.

I am so desperately sorry. Frankly, so many women minimise, deny, and victim-blame. Your refusal to do that is admirable. It must be painful beyond description to know your child is capable of this. Sadly drugs and alcohol can and do change people. He could take a wider range of drugs than you realise - but frankly, alcohol is far more destructive than society tends to recognise. Familiarity makes it seem less harmful, because most of us are social imbibers.

It's not your fault, and there may not be anything you can do. But I admire you for looking reality in the face, and for trying. I have no advice other than to suggest you contact agencies better able to offer some, but I do send love and sympathy.

There are no children, if there were I would be going straight to SS. Thank god she doesn’t want children at any time.

This is a very tough situation for you all.

My BIL has a drink and violence problem, luckily it's not involved a partner as he hasn't had one for 20 years. He also used to smoke pot when he was a teen, and this may have contributed to his "condition".
There is mental illness in the extended family, and there is some evidence that pot use can exacerbate the risk of mental illness.
MIL has never given up on BIL, to the extent that he has abused her as well - taken money from her but continued to drink, been verbally aggressive to her in her own home, broken furniture in her home etc. etc. He's done jail time for drunken assault too. We had a restraining order out on him so he couldn't come to our home after he wrenched the gate off its hinges and threw it up the garden path in a drunken rage (that expired some years ago though).

MIL has been an enabler in the past - she's not much better now except she won't have him living with her again as it was far too stressful for her. He has brain damage from all the drinking and a social disorder where he has no fucking idea how to behave properly around family, although he's marginally better able to hold it together when people he doesn't know are around.

He's now 45 and is never going to get any "better" although he may not get worse, he drinks hardly anything now.

I have 2 boys as well and have always thought that MIL has made this situation worse by giving in to him so much - but would I do any different? I like to think so - I'm far less of a soft touch than she is - but I can't really know unless I'm faced with the situation. I don't think I could just walk away, and I don't think I could cut contact entirely - but I wouldn't be enabling anything either.

In your case, I think I would send him a card but nothing else. Whatever is driving his drink and drug habit, whether he's self-medicating for a mental problem or whatever, it's not going to be helped by thinking that his family don't care about him any longer. On the other hand, if he needs to hit rock bottom, then I don't know if sending a card would delay that.

You can't help his GF if she doesn't want to be helped. You can let her know that you're there to help her if and when she does decide she needs it - but not until then. You also can't force your son to go for a mental health check (MIL tried this with BIL, can't do it, he has to agree to it) but you can suggest it.

I'm sorry for you because it's a shit situation for you to be in and I hope your son realises he needs actual help before it's too late.

I'm sorry but the GF has been offered help and a way out.

He chooses drink/drugs and behaves badly/abusively as a result. At some point he will suffer the result of continuing to be abusive...prison.. he will find that others are 'harder' than him
The GF chooses to stick with him. Unless this is coercion, false imprisonment, then her life decisions are her own, she is an adult. She is not a victim but making as equally self destructive decisions as him.

They both need help and support to start to make better choices. I would keep lines of communication open but emotionally detach to preserve your own health. If they know you are there if/when they want help and they will know where to go.

I have DSs of a similar age. I don’t think I could completely turn my back. Yes to low contact but with the caveat that you are there for him as and when he’s ready to change and take responsibility for his life and behaviour. Some young men do mature very late and impulse control can still improve.

Holding down a job is a big positive. Keeping his tenancy means he must be on top of rent and bills, another positive. The LL sounds, somehow as if he likes them enough to want to help despite everything.

Stress you deplore violence and excess use of drink and drugs. He may not be an addict but someone who comes with life stress by using and not enough self control to manage this.

Keep in touch with GF’s mother if possible and present a united front. You can’t persuade her to leave but you can offer support and practical suggestions such as local agencies who can help.

He may turn this around. I do hope he does.

Oh and btw, I don’t believe for a minute he doesn’t have a phone. He just wants you at arms length. IE low contact.

Unless the contact is actually detrimental to you in someway, I would send the card. Keep lines of communication as open and nonjudgmental as you can. You can’t push your way into their lives and “fix” them, but they will stand a better chance of “fixing” themselves if, when one of them finally realises it’s no way to live, there are people they can easily turn to.

Nevertheless, keep your boundaries strong. Offer support for either of them to sort themselves out but don’t try and do the sorting. Don’t provide money if they aren’t using all of their own wisely. Don’t provide an “escape” route that’s really just a path of least resistance- because if they go that way they won’t be escaping anything, they’ll just fall into a different abusive situation.

I would send the card. Keep lines of communication as open and nonjudgmental as you can

Gosh. As his parent, this mid-20s man who has assaulted a woman 3 times needs his parents, and the police, to be as absolutely judgmental as they possibly can.

Don't give him money or gifts.
Send the card.

I agree with @Ginkypig and @perfectstorm. Seek professional advice and also work with his GF's Mum to ensure that his GF knows that you're there for her if/when she's ready to .

Getting her out of this situation is a priority.

OP, you might think about Al-Anon, which is support for the families of alcoholics. You won't say anything to them that's more shocking than they've heard, and real-life support is crucial.

Ok so I looked up woman’s aid I could send an email but living her in the south west of England we have very few local services and no DV service in my county. Is it worth emailing them still or contacting them another way?
Should I chase up the non molestation order with the police?
I think a letter with the card along the lines that PP have suggested might be the way to go. Definitely no money and we are asking relatives not to send things to us to pass on and to tell them what is what so they can make a rational decision on whether they send anything to him especially money. I can only hope they don’t and try to persuade them re money. Supermarket tokens are trickier, he can still buy alcohol but could at least buy food and not spend the money on cannabis .

This is all just a merry go round of misery for everyone.with your son at the centre of it all. I not sure what more you can do to help,as you have done more than you can already.

Drink and drugs can affect some people very badly,with the ways that you have stated here, but people refusing to get help for themselves, is just a brick wall situation.

What more can you do? ( Maybe just stay in the wings) and watch,as a worried and anxious Mother, and hope that nothing more drastic will happen,and that your son and his girlfriend will be able to overcome these awful times.

Can I say it is not the OP responsibility to protect this woman? She has gone above and beyond for her son partner and it is unfair to expect her to keep chasing this grown woman.

OP you need to heal and take a step back, low contact.