Sleep. Or lack of it. I am being bloody unreasonable but I’m so tired I don’t care

[didyoueverdancewiththedevil]

My DH does the following

1. Snores loudly
2. Twitches a lot and sometimes these are so bad he jumps himself awake.
3. Can only sleep on his side facing me as he has an arthritic hip. I hate people breathing in my face and this means that I can only sleep in one position facing away from him. And this sounds horrible but he’s had a rotten tooth for about five years and at nighttime the smell is not nice. He’s terrified of dentists and refuses to sort it out.
4. Refuses to see doctor about any of the above.
5. Gets defensive when any of this is mentioned.
6. Says I must wake him if I can’t sleep and he will go to the spare room. So I feel bad about waking him up to ask him to go to the spare room.

Well I’m sick of it. Why can’t he just sleep in the spare room from the off? All of his clothes etc are in the spare room so if I go in there he wakes me at 5am to get ready for work. I don’t have to get up until 7am

For the last four weeks he’s had a cold and a cough which is adding to the racket.

I’m sitting on the sofa now to get some peace and now his work mobile is buzzing over and over and over again and because the damned thing is locked I can’t turn it off. If I go back to bed I’ll have to put up with the endless snoring. If I go to the spare room he’ll wake me up at 5am to move me back to our bed so he can get ready for work.

I’m just so bloody tired. I know he can’t help it but the lack of quality sleep is driving me insane. The only time I can fall asleep next to him is if I’ve had enough alcohol to knock me out.

Goodnight, and good luck

Swap sides on the bed, then he's no longer facing you. Could be an alternative to LTB?

Suffering also. It could be the same man. Does your man have incredibly sharp toenails that he stabs you with?

At least you have a spare room. I quite often lift a child to have their bed for a bit of peace.

Cannot even try to sleep tonight as my 7yo son has ripped his foreskin whilst playing aeroplanes. Poor little mite cannot sleep, understandably so.

100% move into the spare room.
And if he guilts you- GUILT HIM RIGHT BACK!

Ffs. If he wants you back in there he needs to sort the snoring and the tooth out at an absolute minimum.

I can relate to the snoring. My partner has sleep apnea and I have told him it's life threatening....as one day he will be smothered in his sleep! 😂 😉 He too refuses to see a doctor about it. We have separate rooms or neither of us would sleep.

One day I hope he does see about it as he is always tired and it is ruining his life.

You can still settle together then sneak off to your lovely calm oasis and get a good nights sleep. I am very much in love with my husband and we have a lovely marriage but we cannot physically sleep in the same bed together. He snores and tosses and turns, steals the duvet, takes up room etc. And I am the worlds lightest sleeper who will stay awake for at least 2 hours if woken in the middle of the night. Also have restless legs. Would much rather sleep with my toddler than DH. We are much more reasonable happy people when not sharing a bed.

Oh OP how awful. Decide in the morning who is staying put or moving to the spare room. Lots of couple's sleep separately if everything else is okay then this move will save a good marriage.

Yanbu - are you working tomorrow or can you have a wee nightcap now for some rest?

Good luck, didyoueverdance.

Separate rooms is the way to go. I wish I had done it years ago. Make an appointment and go with him.

Why will he wake you at 5am? That's worse than all of the other stuff. I'd nuke him from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

How fortunate to have a spare room. I often lie in bed thinking that building an extension to the house would be the answer to everything . It’s horrible not being in charge of how well you sleep.

I only sleep for a few hours each night, we don't have a spare room, so have tried to make the lounge as best as we can, so that at least I can decamp there without waking my partner and I dont have any of the problems your husband seems to have.

There needs to be some give and take in a relationship and you seem to be doing all of the giving

Move his stuff back into your bedroom and claim the spare room as yours. Get some new bedsheets, light a nice scented candle and fold your PJs neatly on the bed. Call him upstairs and tell him he can have the main bedroom and the spare room is now your room. End of discussion.

OP, make that spare room yours. Have separate rooms. End of!

Why should OP take the spare room? All DH stuff is there and why should she move his stuff?

Ah, those evenings when DS(8) climbs in too after a bad dream. With him on one side and DH on the other, both snoring away blissfully, I wonder if this is what it sounds like inside Darth Vader’s helmet.

Same here OP - I’m constantly knackered and grouchy as a result of no sleep due to snoring/ twitching/ grunting etc etc. If I do go and sleep in the spare room I’m usually so wound up with rage that I don’t sleep anyway.
DP currently has a cold so making it worse and we’re both miserable as a result.

Make the mother fucker sleep on the other side of the bed.swop with him so he stops god damn waking you up

Edit: I'm away in a tiny bed with my husband and slept on the wrong side of the bed literally
He's snoring twitching and breathing on me

My hips also really hurt

.My DH hasn’t slept in the same room as me for several years for much the same reasons. If you have a spare room them make it your own (or his). That’s what we’ve done and it’s solved most of the problems except when I can still hear him through the floor.

DH also has a dental phobia and huge issues with all things medical and so has historically put up with a lot without seeking help. In the end an abscess nearly cost him his life so now he will go to see a doctor if he has to and has accessed dental treatment with intravenous sedation administered in the car park outside.

I’d advise tackling both the health stuff and the sleeping arrangements at the same time but you’ll need to reiterate the love as you do it.

I don't know how you haven't lost your shit op. My dh is the same with the snoring and twitching. We've slept in separate rooms for years. He recently had his tonsils removed and stopped snoring. We're now discussing two beds in the same room. Zero chance I'm going to lie next to someone that's thrashing around all night!

I'd leave him in the master with all his work stuff and make the spare room your room.

Hes being so selfish by making you feel guilty for not sleeping next to him!

Hopefully the chat goes well. Let us know what solution you come to.

I went back to bed and was awake then until 1.30am (due to issues mentioned in OP). I went to get up again to go into the spare room and he woke up. He mumbled something like "I suppose it's my fault you can't sleep". I just said we went to bed at 10.30pm and it's now half past one and I have had no sleep whatsoever. It's not anyone's fault I just want some sleep. So he went off to the spare room. And I got five hours before work this morning.

We are having a conversation about this tonight and I couldn't give two shits how defensive he is.

I don't have an Hefferlump husband but when he sneaks in after covering a night duty he sticks his ice cold hands down the back of my Jim-Jam bottoms. I swear, one day I will strangle him.