Need needy friend to back off

[Fishfingersandwichplease]

Got a friend who l care about and am fond of but she is so insecure and needy l find her a real drain. She gets her nails painted the same colour as me, texts me every single day to see what l am up to that day, then again later to see how my day went (sometimes l reply, sometimes l don't), tries to invite herself with me if l am going somewhere (although have learnt to be quite vague now), wants to be friends with all my friends who don't know her, questions me if l have been tagged in something on Instagram that she didn't know about - find her suffocating but she has very bad anxiety so how to l tell her to back the eff off without upsetting her??!! None of these things sound too bad now l read it back but she is in my face all the time. Thing is when she is having a good day, l love her to bits!!

Have you considered telling her you're emigrating to Australia?

Not sure that would be appropriate!!

Tell her when she's having a good day that you're struggling with some aspects of supporting her anxiety when she's having a bad spell.

Move to Australia was my thought too

Just stop answering so many of her texts and become less available.

How about saying as a New Years resolution you're going to be on your phone less so she shouldn't be offended if you don't reply. And then don't reply until she's got out of the habit of it. Say you're only texting for practical things like arranging to meet, not for general chat. It's not rude or personal, just claiming your time back. Don't make it about her. Perfect time to get the space you need.

FOMO copycat needs to understand that there is nothing wrong with her own choices of nail varnish and social activities, someone probably made her feel not good enough.

Thanks everyone xx

I deal with my FOMO relative by gentle ribbing jokes, "Have you got FOMO of my nail polish"? "We all know you like hot colours, pick one of them instead of being a copycat"

Haha love it!!

Have you considered telling her you're emigrating to Australia?

Best reply

@Kirstenkl

Best reply ever!!!! I can't stop laughing....oh the shade, the shade, the shade of it all

I would tell her straight out

She sounds lonely.could you go with her to a group for a while where she might meet other people and then you could drop back a bit. I had a friend like this. She came every day to our house for a couple of years then suddenly dropped me completely. I felt a bit miffed because I didn’t always feel like seeing her but I did. Now she never comes. I liked her company just not every day.i understand where you are coming from but if she is anxious the texts will reassure her. You could just be vague about plans some days and meet her sometimes.

Oh dear...I had the same with an ex colleague who I stayed in touch with after I left....she became very very needy...everything was a drama, a crisis, or an urgent matter....would text or ring me at odd times...usually early mornings e.g. 6 or 7 am because she had a parking ticket, calls asking advice about friends who were divorcing...just a whole raft of stuff which I could not advise about, or wanted to borrow money...large sums with no explanations ...I never lent the money...!!...I gradually ignored the texts and calls so she began to email me and suggested my phone was having problems...!!...When i failed to answer the emails, she began coming to my house...several times in the day...I never opened the door...I finally did text to explain that her behaviour was unreasonable and needy...finally...several months later...no sign of her...But even texting her when I was abroad made no difference...she would ring me and obviously get a foreigh ring tone...!!..I actually dont want to see her again...her dramas and crisis, usually self caused, were so draining....relentless....

I've had experience of that and for a while, years ago, was quite needy myself but sufficiently aware to cool it with friends. It wasn't fair to intrude my problems on to them.

Don't stop being friends with this lady but reduce contact, tell her you're busy or whatever. You don't have to be freely available at all times and your needs are important.

Move to Australia was my first thought too. 😀

Copying you in everything you do is not a symptom of neediness, it goes deeper. She lacks appropriate boundaries and a sense of self.

www.powerofpositivity.com/what-it-means-when-someone-copies-you/

I agree with Mlou32.

I've got two people in my life who have anxiety and the only way to deal with it is to acknowledge it but tell them that you won't be governed by their anxiety and set your own boundaries.

In one case, it's a close family member and we've all taken the same stance and it's helped her address her anxiety. We've done it kindly but firmly.

You have the right to tell her how her behaviour makes you feel.

I think trying to be subtle is actually just going to be worse. If she's genuinely a good friend and her anxiety is a confirmed, diagnosed thing that you both know about, then you should address it accordingly, : "I know you get anxious but I can't be available 24/7 and I just don't have time to get together more than x or y times per month/week so if I don't respond or decline things, try to remember it's not you."

The problem is that in some friendships one person needs or wants the other person more. And if it's not equal, then unfortunately, there's not a lot that you can do about it. I do tend to think these friendships are doomed. Because the person who wants more (a BFF), will be hurt by whatever bones the other one throws. Sad but true.

I lost a good friend for this reason. I still feel bad about tit but at the end of the day, she just wasn't someone I could be super close to and that's what she wanted.

Why are people saying move to Australia? Because it's burning down?

Tbh with you OP I think id just have to tell her you find her suffocating and you can't be there at her beck and call. Have the fall out and hopefully a more equal friendship might come out of it. She needs to get help for her anxiety.

Why are people saying move to Australia?

Because it's far away!

I thought the first suggestion was to get needy friend to move to Australia, not for op to move.

I could be wrong though..

Have you considered telling her you're emigrating to Australia?