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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think that he is cheating?

56 replies

GrandmaSharkdodo · 06/01/2020 22:06

For background, had a baby a year and a half ago. Sex life wasn't great before but came to a stand still and we've done it twice since baby was born (despite my best moves). Tonight OHs phone was going mad, message after message. I glanced over and asked who it was. He said David but angled the phone away from me. I asked what he wanted and OH got really defensive, what was I implying, what, do I think is going on ,etc. Just an ott reaction. I said ok, "show me then" and he said "look" and flashed the phone at me. But I could only see the name David and didn't have time to read what the message said. He then spent a few minutes typing really quickly with the phone angled away and it has been either in his pocket or face down since. I tried to bring it up again amd he went off, about how insulting it is that I would imply anything like that. Very odd. So... What do you think. Is he cheating?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 06/01/2020 23:06

If it's an iphone, sync it to another device whilst he is asleep. Get "Dave's" number and input to both what's app and facebook. Also see if you can do a "restore" on any messages. They may be backed up to cloud. 💐

TriciaH87 · 06/01/2020 23:08

When this happened to me I went and packed his bag. I told him either he unlocked his phone and handed it over or he picked up the bag and goes. If he hands it over be sure to check the messages and then call the people named David to make sure their all male voices that answer

notapizzaeater · 06/01/2020 23:10

Is the hiding the phone something new?

HopefullyAnonymous · 06/01/2020 23:11

Perhaps he’s just at the texting stage rather than the full on cheating stage? Obviously not great either but I wouldn’t necessarily think worst case scenario. Talk to him.

Kab30 · 06/01/2020 23:14

I would ask him again x

coffeem0nster · 06/01/2020 23:15

Why even ask the question on mumsnet, you know the answer will be he is cheating on you. Doesn't matter what the question is, the standard mumsnet response is he is cheating. Comes home from work 10 mins late, he is cheating. Look at you funny, he is cheating. Bought a different brand of tea bags, must be cheating. I have never cheated on my wife but I don't like it when my wife tries to read my phone screen when I am typing messages and angle it away from her. There is nothing to hide I just don't like people reading my screen over my shoulder. I travel on business occasionally and have never cheated on my wife. I always lock my screen on my computer or phone when I walk away from. This is good security practice. Doesn't mean I'm trying to hide anything or having an affair. Also believe it or not but being stressed at work can lower you libido.

Icanflyhigh · 06/01/2020 23:15

It does sound very suspicious op Sad

As pp have said oldest trick in the book is to change a females name to males.

Another suggestion here is to sync it to Another device if its apple, or if not, get into it and take photos of everything you can in there.

I wouldn't change David's name to yours, just in case it is an OW and she messages him first.... that would blow your cover straight away.

Ducks in a row just in case, and try not to think the worst. Whatever this is you can deal with it x

Bluebutterfly90 · 06/01/2020 23:18

I would say have a look at his phone, either get him to hand it over or look when he's asleep.
Normally I wouldn't condone snooping but he's clearly acting suspicious. Try and get some proof. Sorry OP.

coffeem0nster · 06/01/2020 23:19

When this happened to me I went and packed his bag. I told him either he unlocked his phone and handed it over or he picked up the bag and goes. If he hands it over be sure to check the messages and then call the people named David to make sure their all male voices that answer If a woman posted on here a man had said this, he would be controlling and paranoid blah blah redflag. Hmm Likewise a post recently about a man reading his wife messages was met with a universal "invasion of privacy" but If it's an iphone, sync it to another device whilst he is asleep. Get "Dave's" number and input to both what's app and facebook. Also see if you can do a "restore" on any messages. They may be backed up to cloud. is OK. Hmm

Icanflyhigh · 06/01/2020 23:19

@CoffeeMonster Hmm

Why so defensive overthe phone?
I get you don't want strangers looking over your shoulder, but your wife???! Why should that be a problem if there's nothing to hide?

DP sits on his phone most evenings, as do I, but theres no issue or secrecy. Our phones are the same and pretty much interchangeable, regardless of who we're messaging, if he wants to use mine to google something, he does, same as I do with his, or make phone calls or send a text or whatever.....
Because hes my DP and there is nothing to hide.

If he or I started being cagey about it, I would question that and yes, probably think the worst straight away.

Umberta · 06/01/2020 23:24

I know this will be unpopular but I 100% agree with @coffeem0nster . I would be so irritated and defensive if my DH demanded to see who I was texting, even if I was just gossiping with a friend! Also can't stand people reading over my shoulder, I'm having a private convo if I'm texting. That includes if I'm commenting on MN! 😅
All I'm saying is you've got very thin evidence so far to jump to the worst conclusion and if you "get your ducks in a row" for leaving him I think would be an unfair overreaction based only on what you've said.

coffeem0nster · 06/01/2020 23:28

@Icanflyhigh I don't like it, doesn't matter who it is. I'm not precious about my phone and often hand my phone to wife. Usually when I have just taken her picture e.g. on a night out and she wants to see the pictures. Which usually results in her going through all my pictures. Ultimately however my phone is private, it is my personal device. Also what would have been the response if a woman had posted "My husband looks over my shoulder and watches me while I am messaging my friends wants to see who I am messaging". What would be the response then... I think I can guess

Umberta · 06/01/2020 23:28

Completely agree regarding "controlling and paranoid red flag" if you were to try out some of the more extreme advice on here, OP. My advice would be, wait and see if he continues to be suspicious, and if he does, ask him about it. Not very dramatic, but then the most dramatic reaction is often not the best

Bluebutterfly90 · 06/01/2020 23:28

I think some people are more private about their phones than others. Me and DP use each other's phones a lot and both know each others passcode but for some people that's a big invasion of privacy. I suppose it just depends on how you see it.
If DP was feeling paranoid and wanted to look at my phone I might be pissed that he had doubts about me but I wouldn't be worried about him looking at my phone.
I think people just have different relationships with their phones.

LittleDragonGirl · 06/01/2020 23:29

But from another perspective, my OH detests me going on his phone, simply because our lives are so intertwined it gives him a small modicum of something that is his and only his. (He also had a crazy ex). And I can hand on heart say my hubs is definitely not cheating. Weve rowed before over him being secretive with his phone, and hes always handed it straight over. And sometimes it's a simple as hes having a moan to his best mate, or sometimes simply that he wants to be able to chat to his friends without feeling like his privacy is being invaded.

It's just the way he is in all honesty, he just likes having something that is his and his alone, and that for him is his conversations with his friends and the right to privacy while doing so. Which as a Pp pointed out earlier many on netmums would go mad if the roles where reversed and a women wanted the privacy to talk to her friends without it being read over her shoulder.

Umberta · 06/01/2020 23:32

simply because our lives are so intertwined it gives him a small modicum of something that is his and only his
100% agree, really well put, that is exactly how I feel about my phone, social media etc

Icanflyhigh · 06/01/2020 23:37

I do get about phones being private etc, and possibly I am a product of my past in that my ExH would constantly accuse me of cheating. I wasnt allowed social media or whatsapp, if I got a text after 8pm it must have been another man trying to arrange to meet for sex. It was soul destroying and it wore me down to the point of not wanting a phone at all, despite needing one for work .

I think this is also why I am so blasè with my phone now, DP has my passcode, and there is nothing secret in there.

Umberta · 06/01/2020 23:39

@Icanflyhigh sorry to hear that, your ex sounds really awful and controlling.
But we must be careful not to encourage the OP to behave like your ex??

Umberta · 06/01/2020 23:41

I can see strong parallels with your ex's behaviour and how the OP is being encouraged to behave...

Icanflyhigh · 06/01/2020 23:47

@Umberta sorry I dont mean it to come across that way at all.
I was trying to say that the reason I am sk open with mine is because of how I was treated previously - and I've never ever had anything to hide on my phone. I do see where you are coming from though and yes I agree, op needs to not jump to worst conclusions without proof

Retroflex · 06/01/2020 23:52

You say your baby wakes every 3 hours, any chance you can get a hold of his phone then?

My husband linked the WhatsApp on Jo's phone to his pc... Of you could do that you'd see everything, and can print directly from the pc for your evidence for the lawyer...

Retroflex · 06/01/2020 23:53

On *his phone... No idea why it said Jo's... Hmm

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/01/2020 00:21

How interesting that when a poster said last week how her DH had gone through her messages and was always worried or jokingly saying she might be seeing someone else, it wasnt spidey senses it was projecting and a huge red flag and controlling that he looked at her phone.

Weenurse · 07/01/2020 00:49

I firmly believe every woman should have an exit plan and a running away from home account just in case.
My husband knows this and we joke about it. (Married 30 years, not looking to run yet).
I will be advising my DC to do the same, as you never know what life brings you.
OP, seek more evidence.

coffeem0nster · 07/01/2020 00:51

Just something I would add on the whole phone privacy and giving your partner access to your phone. First I will point out when my wife has asked for access to my phone I have given it. But it is always for trivial reasons e.g. her battery is dead and she needs to message her friend. However, something to think about which I remembered whilst thinking about phone privacy. A while back I got a message from colleague who is a friend. We don’t usually message because we see each other at work. In his message he started unloading about how he was depressed and struggling at work and had problems at home. It was overwhelming him and he went in some pretty personal stuff. I have nothing to hide from my wife but this colleague had contacted me in confidence and hadn’t given me permission to share what he told me with anyone. I’m not saying this is what is going on here but just pointing out there are scenarios where you might want to keep a conversation private