To not tell her?

[TheTea]

I have a friend who I've known for around 8 months (Bev), we met through our husbands who have been friends for years. She's great and we've grown to be good friends - we spend more time together than our husbands do.

She is away visiting family abroad and my DH caught her husband (let's call him Fred) cheating. My DH is an uber driver and picked up the women from Fred and Bavs house! Fred did catch a glimpse of my husband who called out to him in shock and he ran away (DH had picked them up at the end of the street)!!!

DH is going talk to Fred who I know will deny everything. My AIBU is shall I tell Bev? From the conversations nI've had with Bev I know she's lost friends due to her relationship with Fred (she always blames the friend). the issues are 1. I don't know the ins and outs 2. I think she'll take his side and just end the friendship.

I'm so conflicted as I feel like it means I have to keep a distance if I don't tell her because how can I be a good friend to someone of I don't tell them this?!

I would tell her. If not you would be keeping a secret which would put a barrier in your friendship anyway. Just tell her on your conscious you have to be open with her and tell her what your husband saw. Maybe it will blow up your friendship - maybe it won't. Or maybe it will but she will come back later after she has sorted her relationship and be grateful for your honesty. If this was not bothering you, you would not have posted about it. And if its bothering you - are you really going to be able to pretend you don't know?

Not telling her makes you an accessory to his deceit.

I agree with tell her, she may shoot the messenger but I personally would rather know. Especially if you can give concrete info, name of the woman or address if your husband dropped her home.

You could tell her the facts.

Your husband picked up a friend of Fred’s the other day, what a coincidence!

She will then most likely believe whatever excuse he tells her. It is not your job to convince her that he’s cheating - after all you don’t know the full story, but you have given her the facts as you know them. If she chooses to ignore the evidence that is up to her.

You and your husband should tell her together.

You don’t know that he’s having an affair.

Yes tell Bev. If you keep Fred's secret you're complicit in his lies. Just tell her what you know.

Lots of questions here. You say dh picked her up from his house but then say it was the end of the street? Was his pick up actually his address? Could the woman have been a neighbour? friend? Colleague?

Maybe Fred isn't having an affair but acted guilty as he knew how it looked?
Maybe Bev is well aware of Fred's affair but doesn't feel ready for it to be brought to light?
Maybe Bev has other stuff going on and doesn't want to know?
I'd keep out of it. Surely your friendship doesn't revolve around Fred's comings and goings. Chat as you usually would.
Be there for her if/when things go wrong.

It you don’t know he’s having an affair? The woman could be the cleaner!!

I totally agree with @Batqueen! Bang on advice!

She's never leaving.. say ZILCH

BUT... distance yourself from this couple....

Also agree with @Batqueen!

@Batqueen, this sounds better actually. Didn't think of that.

@Keepmewarm my husband had a full-blown conversation with the two women he had picked up so I know he was cheating. He'd gone on a night out and invited them back...

@Keepmewarm Fred that is, Fred had invited them back after a night out.

Whilst it doesn't necessarily look great, how can you know that Fred is having an affair with someone who came to the house? You don't shag everyone who comes to your house! Is there more to it, something to indciate that?

Oh sorry x post!

Without giving too much info the street is a funny curve, you can see their house from the end. My DH also asked them what happened and they told him.. there were 2 women.

And I've suspected Fred before so it wasn't much of a shock to me tbh. Bev is very protective of Fred when anything about him is mentioned.

Batqueen has the best suggestion. If she wants the details, tell her that you’re not sure, but she’s welcome to ask your husband. Less chance if you being blamed, if she hears it directly from the ‘witness’.

What Batqueen said.

Even if you don’t tell her - the friendship is morally over.

I would tell her.

Tell her but in a sort of chatty way rather than throwing accusations around. ‘ my husband picked two woman up from your house but your husband ran away, how strange has my husband done something to upset him’ then it’s up to her to ask questions and your not the bad guy.

Are Uber drivers encouraged - or even allowed - to disclose personal details acquired in the course of a job ?

I'd really hope not.

I'd suggest the OP treads carefully, in case Fred complains to Uber and they decide not to pass on jobs anymore. Despite the fact from numerous reports its clear Uber don't give two shits about their drivers behaviour, it would be a shame if this turned out to be the notable exception.

It's only a friendship of 8 months, so even if she does decide to shoot the messenger (i.e you); then I'm sure you'll bounce back.

I'd do what @Batqueen said. Then she can make up her own mind/live in denial and you have a clear conscience.