To not tell her?

[TheTea]

I have a friend who I've known for around 8 months (Bev), we met through our husbands who have been friends for years. She's great and we've grown to be good friends - we spend more time together than our husbands do.

She is away visiting family abroad and my DH caught her husband (let's call him Fred) cheating. My DH is an uber driver and picked up the women from Fred and Bavs house! Fred did catch a glimpse of my husband who called out to him in shock and he ran away (DH had picked them up at the end of the street)!!!

DH is going talk to Fred who I know will deny everything. My AIBU is shall I tell Bev? From the conversations nI've had with Bev I know she's lost friends due to her relationship with Fred (she always blames the friend). the issues are 1. I don't know the ins and outs 2. I think she'll take his side and just end the friendship.

I'm so conflicted as I feel like it means I have to keep a distance if I don't tell her because how can I be a good friend to someone of I don't tell them this?!

Wait until you have spoken to your husband first. You have no idea what was going on.

You're in a very difficult position, I know. Perhaps talk to Fred and tell him you know about it and you feel uncomfortable not mentioning it to her. If you don't want to tell her, perhaps it might be an idea saying "I feel very awkward about this, but I think you need to talk to Fred about something that happened when you were away"

You say she's lost lots of friendships due to Fred - could it be that she's well aware of what he's up to, he does it repeatedly, but she can cover up his behaviour by blaming the friend who (inevitably) finds out and tells her?

Does she have a history of a lot of 'jealous' friends, who maybe 'made a pass at Fred but he turned them down'?

I think she's well aware of what he's like. Telling her won't be telling her anything she doesn't already know and she will blame you (and possibly also your DH) for fancying Fred, making a pass while she was away, and then turning bunny boiler when he turned you down.

Husband should tell fred to tell his wide if he doesn't, then yes, tell her.

What did Fred say to your DH? Did he have a reason/excuse?

@GrannyBags They haven't spoken it yet, DH wants to meet up with him.

Since DH is the one who is the 'eyewitness', I think he should be the one to tell her, or at least be present when you do. That way it's "I heard" and "I saw", not "DH told me".

She won't believe it or will find an excuse, I'm sure. But it will be another brick in the wall.

Wait... these two women happily discussed this with an Uber driver ?
I mean , they told your dh what they got up to?
Bit weird ..

Don’t tell her. There’s very little in the way of concrete facts you CAN tell her.

Your husband picked up two women in a cab; that’s all. Fred night we’ll have been up to all sorts with one or both of them, but all you actually know is what two strangers told their cabbie. The rest is your suspicion and assumption. You apparently ‘know’ Fred will deny everything. How?

There are many possibilities. You say you already suspect him of cheating and that Bev has lost friends over him before. She may know very well that he can’t keep it zipped up, but chooses to turn a blind eye and doesn’t want others sticking their oars in. She may be utterly and wilfully blind to his faults and won’t want to hear about them from you, as with others. They may have an ‘arrangement’ that she doesn’t shout about - especially not to people she’s known less than a year.

As others have said, what will you do if she starts demanding details of where these women were dropped off etc.? Are you willing to risk your husband’s income over it?

They haven't spoken it yet, DH wants to meet up with him.

Oh god, it’s going to be ‘the lads’ sticking together, isn’t it. There’s absolutely no need for your husband to meet him, other than to give him a chance to get your husband to shut up.

Did the women say what had gone on? Seems odd that there were two of them? (Or I’m just old and out of touch)

Two women!

I'd tell her because you say she's a friend. I'd be so upset if a friend of mine knew my husband was cheating and chose not to tell me.

Op I have sent you a pm.

Oh god, it’s going to be ‘the lads’ sticking together, isn’t it. There’s absolutely no need for your husband to meet him, other than to give him a chance to get your husband to shut up.

No need for the only person who has actually seen or heard anything to get the facts? Just steam in regardless?

If it’s going to be ‘the lads sticking together’, it was a bit stupid of OP’s husband to tell his wife in the first place, wasn’t it?

I'd definitely tell her but if you're worried about losing the friendship there's ways you can tell her the facts without elaborating on what the full picture might be. Let her find out the truth and make her own decision

I would tell her the facts andet her make what she wants of it.

@Whynosnowyet please say you're not Bev

If your DH and Fred have been friends for many years, how is it that you have only known Bev for eight months?

Def not Bev!!

Phew!

I would think the following;

She knows he cheats
Your not the first friend to notice
The others got binned for pointing the cheating out.

I’d stay out of it, she wants to stay with him.

Two women!

Definitely tell her. If he’s bringing two women back this is more than drunken one off fling. Her husband is confident enough to be bringing two women back and to their house too. This is pretty abusive, on many levels. Even if you look at the higher risk of std and the power plays here. Not good.

The two women reminds me of this.

www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/man-trying-to-sound-unimpressed-as-female-friend-lists-husbands-affairs-20160830113040

@Whynosnowyet thank you

Keep out of it