to think I’ve said the wrong thing to my niece about being fat

[RiddleyW]

I’m quite overweight and my 5 year old niece asked me yesterday why my tummy is so big.

I was a bit shocked (which is stupid I know) and just said “oh I eat too much cake”.

However I’m now absolutely kicking myself because my niece is a dreadful eater and her parents have real trouble with it. I’m worried I’ve made things worse. I should have said something bland about bodies coming in different shapes and sizes shouldn’t I?

Do I need to tell my brother and SIL about the conversation do you think? Or just hope niece has forgotten about it already?

Skipping past all of the nasty & ignorant comments by posters who I am now at the point of wishing ill health on so they can experience the deep joy of being fat due to things other than ‘stuffing their faces’ ...

What you said was ok’ish, it won’t affect her eating proper food, but it really doesn’t help those of us who are fat because we are ill

I eat keto, I exercise, I fast... but I’m still FAT and I don’t eat cake. You’re kind of teaching her to be as judgemental as some of the twats on MN. But you were caught on the hop, niw you can be better prepared for next time a child asks - as they do and I have. I problem with them asking. Same as I have no problem with them asking why my hair is long or why I’m so short etc.

Some people are SO badly educated they can’t think beyond sound bites.

In this case I think it's fine to tell the truth. She now knows "Too much cake = too much weight" not a bad message.

It's difficult to be put on the spot like this! I was in the swimming baths changing rooms yesterday and my 3yo shouted as I was getting changed "MAMMY WHERE IS YOUR BIG MAMMY WILLY?" I was like shhh get your swim shorts on!

He only eats four foods, which are all processed. He doesn’t over eat, he just eats really crap food

But you could eat a load of processed food and still not be fat, exercise innit.

who I am now at the point of wishing ill health on so they can experience the deep joy of being fat due to things other than ‘stuffing their faces’
Nice.
Of course, as I and other pp have said, there are medical conditions that cause people to be fat, we are not including them in the cake/exercise debate.

@OlaEliza please complain to the school about this. I despise it when unqualified people dish out nutrition/eating advice and poke their noses into other peoples eating. Also really damaging in this case.

OP I dont think you've done much wrong.

Kids need simplified answers what you’ve said is fine. If you start back tracking and bringing too much attention to what was essentially a throw away comment then she will start reading more into it.
As it stands she’s probably forgotten about it already.

What you said was ok’ish, it won’t affect her eating proper food, but it really doesn’t help those of us who are fat because we are ill

She wasn’t trying to help people who are ill. She was trying to give an age-appropriate response to a 5 yo with disordered eating who had put her on the spot.

It’s not always possible to think of the bigger picture and consider every variable when, as you say, you’re caught on the hop. OP was referring to her own personal circumstances, not generalising about the broader population.

What you said was ok’ish, it won’t affect her eating proper food, but it really doesn’t help those of us who are fat because we are ill

To be fair to the OP she was asked why she was fat not why are some are people fat.
She gave the answer in context to herself she wasn’t representing every overweight person.

I think it depends what you mean by a dreadful eater and whether cake is something she needs to be encouraged to eat. One of mine was really low weight centile and at the time her dietitian told us she needed to be encouraged to eat anything with fat, alongside her generally healthy diet which lacked in fats. That led to interesting discussions with school about the difference between general advice for a very overweight TA and dietitian specific advice for a very skinny 4 yr old. Even then I wouldn't be cross with you as you didn't tell her not to eat cake and tell her mother never to give her cake again but rather the reason you are overweight. If rather she is a picky eater who may have some sensory issues over the choice of food (as dd did too) but is not specifically underweight or missing food groups then I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Steroids due to cancer.

Thyroid problems.

Steroids cause weight gain because they increase appetite though, that's what I'm trying to say. They lead to you taking in more than you burn. It's not a moral failing, it's just the way it is. The same with thyroid problems, they can increase appetite and cause fatigue which makes you burn fewer calories. It also can reduce the amount of calories you can eat before you gain weight, but that doesn't mean that you can't lose weight, just that it's much more difficult. Again I'm not saying that anyone is bad for being overweight, but weight loss is not magic, it's a really simple, albeit difficult to follow, formula.

He only eats four foods, which are all processed. He doesn’t over eat, he just eats really crap food.

Processed food can lead to weight gain because it isn't filling so you eat more and it leads to more cravings for unhealthy food. If you ate 1000 calories a day of processed food, you would still lose weight.

I think your answer was fine, don't worry. But I would still say that you should mention the conversation with her parents. I would want to know about it if it was one of my DDs (10 and 7). DD1 has a lot of issues about food and is already very thin. (She and DD2 are both really good at gymnastics, so she's very fit and healthy, but I wouldn't want her to have another reason to refuse food.

I'm overweight myself and they have both asked me why I have a big tummy. I've always been open with them that it's because I've eaten too much and I need to lose some weight. I've also always reiterated to them that they're not overweight at all and that, unlike me, they're still growing.

I don't think it's possible to answer such a question without acknowledging that people get overweight when they eat too much, it's a simple statement of fact.

The little girl wasn't asking about fatness, she was asking about a big tummy, wasn't she? Maybe she was curious as to whether a baby might be in there, and all she got from your answer was that you didn't mention a baby, so there probably isn't one in there!

Processed food can lead to weight gain because it isn't filling so you eat more and it leads to more cravings for unhealthy food. If you ate 1000 calories a day of processed food, you would still lose weight.

So he should just spend the rest of his life hungry, because of the calorie content of the food he eats, due to his disability? Right. Great advice.

As for all your other posts, how exactly do they help anyone with those health issues. Should they just go hungry too, just so they don’t get fat? You said initials that it was down to eating too much, but then asked for examples, which you’ve still used to judge overweight people. Your suggestions are neither practical, due to the underlying health issues, or realistic.

Absolutely nothing wrong with your response OP, no need to mention anything x

As for all your other posts, how exactly do they help anyone with those health issues. Should they just go hungry too, just so they don’t get fat?

Unfortunately, sometimes the answer to that is yes. When you’re on long term steroids you have to be really careful about what you’re eating and not use your appetite to judge whether you’ve had enough or not if you want to avoid becoming an unhealthy weight. It’s hard.

So he should just spend the rest of his life hungry, because of the calorie content of the food he eats, due to his disability? Right. Great advice.

No, of course not! If you look at my first post, I said that there are so many reasons why people might eat more than they burn, but that eating more than you burn is why you gain weight. There was no judgement in there. A few people disagreed which is why the conversation started. I don't assign a moral value to how much anybody weighs.

I'll just quote my last post to show you:

It's not a moral failing

difficult to follow, formula

No judgement here

A lot of us have illnesses that make it difficult to lose weight. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome following years suffering from PTSD. I'm on medication which increases appetite and I'm unable to exercise much.

Nevertheless, regardless of the reason, I'm basically overweight because I consume more calories than I burn off during the day. I'm a yo-yo dieter; I can lose the weight but I can never keep it off for long.

I don't think posters are being judgemental; they're pointing out that the OP was talking about herself not generalising about weight gain in general.

I don't think posters are being judgemental; they're pointing out that the OP was talking about herself not generalising about weight gain in general

I don’t think they were all being judgemental, but there were some. People have enough going on, without being judged on their weight. Before I’m asked, no, I’ve never been overweight, but I’ve seen the distress caused to others who are.

one comment won't matter, not one that wasn't directed at her. her attitude to food will be formed by a lot more than just that.

The little girl wasn't asking about fatness, she was asking about a big tummy, wasn't she? Maybe she was curious as to whether a baby might be in there, and all she got from your answer was that you didn't mention a baby, so there probably isn't one in there!

I agree with this . Most 5 year old know that babies grown in tummies and some of her classmates at school probably have pregnant mums. She probably more interested in babies than nutrition.

And FWIW I think your answer about eating too much cake was perfect - straightforward and factual. It helps her develop cause and effect thinking, which, as this thread shows , can be lacking in some adults.

@Furniture fat people are fat because they eat too much and don't burn it off

Excuse me? I'm overweight due to steroids after cancer. How fucking dare you??????

I'm overweight due to steroids after cancer

The steroids will have increased your appetite, but ultimately you still have the choice about what you put in your mouth.

I do sympathise, I had to take steroids during pregnancy and was absolutely ravenous the entire time.

I had no other choice than to weigh out my day's food and stick to just that. It was really, really hard, but I have a terrible family history of illness and early death and just couldn't take the additional risk of being overweight.

As an aside, even without steroids, being hungry is a perfectly normal state of being; if an individual wishes to maintain a healthy bodyweight, they need to accept being hungry is a normal part of that.

Excuse me? I'm overweight due to steroids after cancer. How fucking dare you??????

I think you'll find I said people are overweight because because they eat too much....without burning it off. I also said people with medical conditions are not who I'm talking about but hey get my post deleted because you have found offence where there is none.

Steriods cause weight gain by fluid retention, and by redistribution of fat so that you can look fatter, as well as increasing appetite.

The child did not use the word fat, or overweight.
She asked why her aunt's tummy was big.
The OP has not said she is on steroids, or has any other condition, she puts her own personal tummy size down to cake, so answered factually, and with no value judgement.

I wouldn't worry too much. My nephew (also 5!) Asked me in the summer why I'm so fat and DH is slim 🤣

I just said people come in all shapes and sizes, none better or worse than the other

Then secretly beat myself up about how huge I am. Seems fatphobia is more ingrained in me than I hoped!