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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children at crem for neighbour

67 replies

hipslikecinderella · 06/01/2020 09:13

Ndn's funeral today- she was a lovely lady late 70s who was so nice to our kids. We were not close, but she did look after our cat and chatted over a few cups of tea etc. Her widower told me about the funeral date before xmas and said we could come to the wake. Then dh got chatting to him and somehow we are now going to the crematorium and wake with our kids aged 8 and 10.
Dh saw ndn yesterday and he asked if his daughter had sent us an invitation. She hasn't.
I do feel like we should just pop along for a bit of the wake and not go to the crem. Especially since we have the children.
Bit dh is absolutely adamant the kids "want" to go and wont hear of it.
Aibu to try and insist?

OP posts:
ohprettybaby · 06/01/2020 10:16

I personally think it’s a bit off to go to the wake and not bother to attend the funeral so I’d go to the whole thing.

This.

Your post smacks of just going along for a bit of a jolly to enjoy the refreshments. You should go to the crematorium and pay your respects. It's only half an hour.

I also agree with a PP who said that it will be gentler for your DC to attend a funeral where they are not devastated at the loss of the person who has died. It will be preparation for when they do attend a relative's funeral - they will know what to expect. You also need to take into account that they actually want to go to the funeral.

Be prepared to answer questions about it afterwards though.

SirGawain · 06/01/2020 10:19

I would not take children of that age to a funeral unless it was a close relative and never to the wake. Nor would I go to the wake if I had not attended the funeral.

JKScot4 · 06/01/2020 10:23

It’s not a wedding ffs where you just go to the evening part!!
I have never heard of anyone not go to the service but turn up at the wake, very disrespectful, genuinely taken aback you’ve even considered it, very rude.

GinDaddy · 06/01/2020 10:31

Everything that @JKScot4 just said. This.

GuppytheCat · 06/01/2020 10:37

Let them go to it.

There is something lovely about hearing fond memories of your elderly neighbour as a young girl or a treasured colleague as well as the friendly cat-sitting older lady that you knew - it may well be an eyeopener to the children as well as a pleasure to the widower to see them there.

(I'm assuming from your post that it's not likely to be the sort of funeral where one embittered relative turns up drunk to shout 'Good riddance', though a vicar friend says it's not unheard of.)

memberofseven · 06/01/2020 10:40

8 and 10 is plenty old enough to behave at the crem. I think children should be exposed to funerals, death isn't a mystery. It helps with their understanding and reduces grief in my opinion. Sit at the back and answer their questions.

user1493494961 · 06/01/2020 10:40

I don't, but lots of people I know shorten to 'crem', MiL always did. I don't see it as disrespectful as I've heard it often. It may be a regional thing.

Hoppinggreen · 06/01/2020 10:44

Always known as the Crem round here
How do the children feel about it?
I remember going to one when I was about that age and I was terrified at the thought of the person being burnt. I know that’s not entirely accurate but as a 10 year old it’s how it seemed to me and it still scares me a bit now to be honest
You know your dc best and if you think they will be ok

lisag1969 · 06/01/2020 10:44

I'd go x

allthesharks · 06/01/2020 11:23

The only time I've known someone to attend the wake and not the actual service was a young child who would have been disruptive at the crematorium. (Her Mum attended the service and collected her daughter from the babysitter before the wake). Your children are old enough not to be disruptive so I think you should attend both.

Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 06/01/2020 16:43

The neighbour initially asked us to the wake - but not the crematorium. As it was dh went to crem and then came and got us to have a cup of tea with him and he other mourners. Some of them had not been at the crem either and I really dont think anyone thought it was rude.
As it was dh was the 2nd youngest person there and he is 49, so we made the right choice I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 06/01/2020 16:46

Also sadly the children have been to family funeral before so already know about death.
It was more that I didn't want to overstep the mark.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/01/2020 16:49

I personally think it’s a bit off to go to the wake and not bother to attend the funeral so I’d go to the whole thing.

A lot people I know would consider that off too.

Kind of like 'turning up for the food and drink' only.

Thestrangestthing · 06/01/2020 16:49

I've never heard of anyone going to a wake and not attending the actual funeral. I would definitely think you had just come for some free grub. I would be quite offended by that.

Thestrangestthing · 06/01/2020 16:51

As it was dh was the 2nd youngest person there and he is 49, so we made the right choice I think

Im not sure why this matters, it's not a party! You go to pay your respects and say goodbye, not because people the same age as you are going.
You seem to have a very strange mindset when it comes to funerals Confused

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2020 16:54

I was thinking the same thing Thestrangestthing.

It's not like the kids were going to be able to sit and chat to other kids throughout the crem part anyway.

Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 06/01/2020 17:01

I've been thinking about the bereaved family, not my family.
We have food here, we are only next door.
It's all about what would be respectful to the widowed neighbour, but everyone seems to see a post about children as inherently selfish. It's not, they are very good whenever they go, and I could give a shit if they were bored tbh.
It's about poor ndn.

OP posts:
Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 06/01/2020 17:01

Couldn't give a shit.

OP posts:
Thestrangestthing · 06/01/2020 17:03

We have food here, we are only next door.

Well if you just show up at the wake people will think you are there for the free food and drink. If you want to be respectful, go to the cremation and pay your respects. That's the whole point!

AlexaAmbidextra · 06/01/2020 17:04

Just go for a while and leave once the kids start getting antsy.

Why should they get antsy? They’re 8 and 10. Old enough to sit and behave for the length of a crematorium service.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 06/01/2020 17:09

Hmm, I think its v insensitive to use a funeral as a learning experience for your children, so that it helps them cope when it comes to someone they care about. If that was my beloved relative I would be very offended. However if the children genuinely cared about the neighbour and the widower welcomes them there, then take them.

Original poster
hipslikecinderella · 06/01/2020 17:21

My question was whether he would actually want them there.
They have been to funerals before sadly, not a practice.

OP posts:
Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 06/01/2020 17:25

Sorry op, I didn't mean you intended to take them for a practice - just those who suggested it as an experience. Sorry for your loss btw.

daisypond · 06/01/2020 17:26

In my experience, the crematorium bit is only for very close friends and family. The main service/wake bit is for all-comers. Last funeral I went to there were about 20 at the crem but 500 at the wake.

Peakypolly · 06/01/2020 17:28

I agree with Newyeardietstartstomorrow and think
Go to the crematorium. My children went to a couple of funerals for people they didn’t really know when they were the same age as your dc, and it really helped prepare them for when it was someone they cared about. illustrates a selfish attitude towards the bereaved.

I’m glad it all went well Op.

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