Extremely badly behaved nephew.

[Virgor]

Sorry this is a bit long.

For a number of years I have been concerned about my SILs parenting of her only son. I have never mentioned the matter to her and have instead tried to be supportive. I am not a perfect parent either.

He is now 10 years old and his behaviour is becoming worrying. He screams at his mother, hits his uncles, punches walls, makes spiteful comments and lies incessantly. Last time we were at my MILs he threw two tantrums that were so severe my DS1 his under the kitchen table.
He has also had to move schools due to his behaviour, made racist comments (that horrified my SIL) and struggles to connect with other children. Whilst not his behaviour he is also very overweight to such a point that his mum has to order his clothes online.

To be fair he has moderate level ADHD and a difficult home life, he has recently been abandoned by his father. I do understand that this makes the situation more complicated but he is never disciplined or even corrected. He also plays hours of video games including 18 games such as Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto. His TV viewing is just as bad with shows like Stranger Things and Rick and Morty.

I don't want to cause problems but his behaviour is escalating. I am worried about him. His behaviour is also upsetting my DC.

I don't know what to do.

I think until your SIL is ready to face up to your DNs behaviour and stops allowing it to continue (you say he's never corrected or disciplined for it), there's not a lot you can do apart from keeping your own DC away from him as much as possible. Let ur SIL know you're there to support her when she needs you, but you can't allowed your own DC to be so afraid they're hiding under tables because of his tantrums.

Call social services.

Letting him get fat and play inappropriate video games/ TV is neglect.

I’m surprised the school hasn’t reported it by now.

He is getting towards the age of criminal responsibility if the violence continues

Advise her to look into Violent and Challenging Behaviour, she isn't alone in this.

I think she should look into getting some help for the both of them if she hasn't already.

Im not sure who she would contact as I've no experience of this but I think it would help a lot. They may even be able to advise her on how to deal with him better.

I can imagine it is so hard for her, she may not know where to turn?

Would anyone be able to have a kind word to her about it? Just suggest that she could get help I suppose?

If your SiL wants help she could go back to GP and ask. There is medication for ADHD (which may help) but sounds like family may need support in the form of Early Help. I wonder though if she has had access to help in the past via school and engaged with it? It sounds like she is letting him do what he wants because otherwise she is dealing with his violent outbursts alone.

The lad must feel very troubled and isolated, poor kid. I'm not sure what you can do as an individual OP other than support SiL and point her in the direction of help if she asks. If your own DC fear their cousin you may need to drop contact for a bit.

He sounds very troubled and that’s awful. While they both clearly need help, your job is to protect yourself and your DC and they can’t spend together if your DC are going to be traumatised by his outbursts or get hurt.

Call social services

Letting him get fat and play inappropriate video games/ TV is neglect

I’m surprised the school hasn’t reported it by now

Don't be ridiculous. That would be like going to A&E for a stubbed toe. Social services are already run off their feet. The service would grind to a standstill if they treated every overweight child and every child who plays video games they are too young for as if it was neglect.

I would keep your child away from him, as its upsetting him. Tell your sil to talk with her gp and his school for support.

Parenting a child with behavioral challenges can be very difficult. It isn't as simple as just being 'consistent' or 'firm' and there is very little support to be had. Often support that is available is neither use nor ornament.

She can go back to her GP but a new referral to CAMHS can take years.

There is sometimes access to support through schools but that is very much area dependent.

Both these options require your SIL to admit she isn't coping which is hard to do and may create anxiety for her in that it may then involve more professionals who don't actually know what they are talking about.

It might be worth having a search online and via Facebook for local support groups. Some bigger charities can signpost to more specfic smaller groups run by parents. Sometimes these are the places where the best information can be had on day to day challenges because these are the people actually walking the walk.

As much as I agree that the behaviours you've mentioned are not ideal, don't underestimate how hard it is be the person dealing with this day in day out when you really don't know what to do for the best. You may not see him being disciplined or he may not actually be disciplined at all but that may be because nothing has worked, she doesn't know what to do and getting it wrong means abuse back at her.

Has your SiL ever brought up her worries about him? Now it has escalated to affecting your DC you have a right to bring it up with her. she may be relieved that someone does

You are not unreasonable for contacting SS, but nor because of the programmes and games but because he he violent and your worried parents are struggling.

But my first point of call would be to dicuss issue with your sister.

Isn’t Stranger Things a show for kids this age?! misses point of thread

@poorolddaddypig It's 12 or 15 depending on the episode.

It sounds like a bad combination of medical issues, behavioural issues and poor parenting.

But violent behaviour is a massive no no, and she's going to need a lot of support as he goes towards puberty. Hormones will only fuel the rage he's already feeling, and I would seriously consider involving SS or the NSPCC for both their sakes.

Sounds like they both need help.

Poor parenting?

Unless you’ve parented a child with ADHD you have no idea how difficult it is.

Of course she may not have had the skills to parent any child, but even those who parent consistently, try an introduce boundaries, keep calm, it’s a constant struggle.

ADHD will often not respond to usual parenting concepts. It’s like saying your child has a broken leg, but if you use normal parenting skills they will still be able to run.

I’m sorry OP, I completely understand your distress, and agree that you are in a position to do something, but don't start from the position that she’s a crap parent.

She’s on her own, has no professional support despite a diagnosis of moderate ADHD, and obviously needs help.

It may even be that her own executive functioning is pretty low (meaning every day battles and skills are beyond her), which puts her in an impossible situation.

These days it’s pretty easy to type in your town name, and the issue (eg Woking ADHD), into fb search and find a local community. That, imho, is the best first step. Other parents who can empathise and are further down the path.

I’m baffled as to why the school hasn’t prompted any useful intervention - moving schools so it’s someone else’s issue...?

This is a safeguarding issue. The family GP would be the first point of call for a CAMHS referral. However, no Ritalin prescription will fix the family dynamics. That requires specialist help, which may be accessed through social services following a child in need assessment. No child of his age should have access to adult themed games. It is child neglect. Research clearly shows the negative impact on child development through exposure to adult themed media. Please work with your SIL on this matter, or if she is unwilling to change - report to NSPCC.

Is there any possibility she drank during her PG?
Such agressive behaviours sound typical of FASD as children with this condition struggle to regulate their emotions and have little impulse control.

ADHD is often a comorbidity with FASD or even a misdiagnosis.

I teach a child just like this and we all wish his mum would do more to actively parent him, so my advice would be to have a gentle word with her. I appreciate that we, as teachers, don't see what goes on at home, but, for the 10 year old I teach , his language is disgusting (frequently calls people c**ts, abusers etc), he has threatened to kill staff members , he has physically hit, kicked and punched staff and pupils, he's academically behind etc. We are a mainstream school and it's quite clear to us that he shouldn't be in it. We are not trained to deal with extreme and incredibly challenging behaviour to this extent. He spends all of his time at home on his computer playing on age inappropriate games which really doesn't help. He's described to me a few times (in detail) how he would murder someone and it all comes from the games he plays and the TV he watches.

Telling lies (confabulation) is also a common trait of FASD.

OP this is a horrible situation for everyone involved. I don't think there are any easy answers, but it sounds as if your poor SiL needs a friend. Could the two of you get your heads together and come up with some sort of a plan?

There are lots of issues, so it might make sense to focus on his behaviour when he is with you, as it is something that concerns you, and that you might be able to help her with. For example, you might be able to work out a way to identify what usually sets him off and pre-empt his outbursts. Or you could decide on a plan eg two strikes and you're out or whatever. It would be easier for her to be consistent if you are with her, supporting her.

What sort of relationship do you (or your husband?) have with your nephew? Could one of you take him out for the day (on his own), obviously with the consent of your SiL, go somewhere nice and have a chat? Could you say, straight out, that his behaviour is upsetting the rest of you, and you're asking him to change it? Not in a confrontational or blaming way - the idea would be to show him that you love him and you're there to help him make the changes? Then suggest some strategies for controlling his rages, like taking deep breaths or leaving the room, or there's a traffic light thing that seems to work. You might be able to find something about anger management on the internet? He sounds like someone who is really, really unhappy, and raging about it. But I would only do that if you really do feel sorry for him and think you could help, not if you are angry with him and resentful of the trouble he causes everyone.

Once, when I was at my wits' end, I sent my own unruly son (aged 8) to my sister and brother-in-law for a week, and it really helped. He briefly became one of three children (the youngest) in a functioning household, and it helped him see what sort of standards of behaviour were required, and also how relaxing it was when people just behaved in a civilised way. It also gave me a break during which I had time to think and recharge my batteries. It worked because they were wise and kind people, and he already had a close relationship with them. My son was probably behaving badly because he felt abandoned by his dad, and was angry with me for letting it happen (as he saw it).

If you don't feel that you and your family are the best people to help, then soapboxqueen and others have some ideas. Good luck anyway.

Maybe I've underestimated the problem? What Iborgia said makes sense.

Agree with Scooby, access to 18 rated games should be a no-no!

My DS has autism and ADHD, and I have read numerous books, attended parent training courses, and am a member of our local ASD group. There is a current school of thought that all of these 'wider' conditions such as ADHD, ODD, CD etc should all be considered under the autism umbrella - some experts even think that things like dyslexia and OCD should be too.

Labels may not always be helpful - but the OPs nephew sounds like he's really struggling, and should surely at least have an EHCP, and support from his school and the LA. Ritalin may not be the answer (we are so far managing without), but if he has a full assessment of his needs and ways to help that would surely be a good thing.

OP - can you ask your SIL if DN has an EHCP? If not, look on the local authority website, you can apply yourself these days rather than waiting for the schools to do it. She needs to get one in place to get the support she and her son needs, that will then help with school places and everything.

If she has one already and is getting all the official support available, then she probably just needs all the additional family support you feel you can offer. Not easy I don't suppose. Children on the spectrum can get fixated with food and be overweight, but I don't know how you would get her to keep him away from inappropriate games etc. Depends on your relationship with her.

Good luck....!

Parenting a child with behavioral challenges can be very difficult. It isn't as simple as just being 'consistent' or 'firm' and there is very little support to be had. Often support that is available is neither use nor ornament.

This. Help is pretty much non existent. In my area CAHMS will not assist if there is a diagnosis of autism, I imagine ADHD would be the same.

We have begged for help, but it just isn't there.

I feel for your SIL, I get called a f b on regular occurrences, my other children don't so it is not my parenting. Seriously life is shit, I imagine hers is too.